Owning your feelings takes commitment and humility. Owning your own feelings is critical to making your marriage a good one. This can be difficult but when done correctly it is actually very liberating. Frequently we can feel that someone else is responsible for how we feel. This belief leads to a loss of personal control and power and leads us to further believing that we are not responsible for our own behaviours. This belief results in a loss of love that would otherwise potentially come your way.

Taking responsibility

For any effective mental health and therapeutic work to succeed taking personal responsibility is necessary but not necessarily very comfortable. Taking responsibility for our feelings, attitudes, and behaviours is key to our spiritual and mental health. Just to be clear, there is no forward motion, no true results, no real healing that comes into our lives without taking personal responsibility.

I wish to further qualify this by saying that there are many individuals who over-blame themselves for everything while others choose to blame everybody else for everything and then again there is a minority that choose to “own their stuff” by taking responsibility for those things that they are personally responsible for. I know this seems like tough medicine, and it sure is, but this is the pathway to personal power and freedom and the possible eventuality of having a good marriage.

Responsibility is ownership

To take responsibility is to be mature, humble and a person who desires truth. To take personal responsibility is to be willing to see your behaviour and attitudes and recognize that they are yours and nobody else’s. It’s my responsibility how I act. The comedian, the late Flip Wilson, popularized the saying, “The devil made me do it!” In that joke we can find what is called a psychological projection, this is where someone else is to blame for ones impulses or qualities that are undesirable or harmful.

Ask yourself, who is it that is experiencing the feeling? I am! Am I responsible for what I am feeling or not? If not, then it wouldn’t matter how I act out then, would it? That is what we would like to believe. When we feel emotionally injured we need to take responsibility for it immediately. Now, I am not inferring that you shouldn’t be feeling the pain or that the reason you are feeling the pain is your fault rather I am saying, what you do with what you are feeling is where personal responsibility comes into play. Think about it this way, I am feeling the feelings the other person is not making me feel though they could be perpetrating it. Sometimes the line of responsibility can seem blurred especially when we are in great emotional pain, but if we can more objectively ask ourselves some questions and observe we can probably come to some better conclusions.

Victim or Victor?

To some degree we all have had a victim mentality at some point in time, while there are those of us who still carry that around in our injured soul. Staying stuck in this can have us believing such negative beliefs as, “I always get the short end of the stick.” “I am always in trouble or to blame.” “Bad things always come my way.” “I always get stuck with …” “My spouse is always hurting me.” “There is no point in trying.” “If I don’t do it nobody else will.” “I’m the one that has to carry the load around here.” These and other such statements indicate a victim mentality which keeps us stuck in a belief of powerlessness and in the emotion of self-pity.

Using self-pity or the victim mentality creates for us a sub-standard quality of life. If you are stuck in a victim mentality or self-pity don’t deny it or blame and shame yourself simply recognize it, own it and realize that you need some good qualified help. We all need help from time to time in our lives because some tasks, including our own soul, needs help from qualified others to get unstuck, healed, and move forward.

Staying stuck is a choice. We can choose freedom but you should know that this will take effort on your part. Approximately 3,300 years ago we see ancient Israel in slavery under Pharaoh where the people wanted to be free from the oppression of slavery but when they became liberated they then had to think, live and believe differently. This involved making difficult choices and doing difficult tasks and having hurdles to overcome. Even though Moses did much of the intervention with God’s help there was still a lot of struggle and a lot of work for the newly liberated nation. Having freedom takes bravery and determination working with someone qualified that can help you to finally experience the freedom that all people are supposed enjoy.

Why does my partner drive me crazy?

Marriage is the one relationship that can be the most rewarding, the most intimate of any other relationship but it is also the most emotional relationship you will ever have. If you are reading this you probably have experienced what it is like for your partner to “push the buttons”. This experience is the result of two people who usually are acting out of hurt feelings and therefore one or the other party is punishing their partner in return by their own reactional behaviour.

Sometimes you may experience your partner pushing your buttons and in turn you are being triggered emotionally, but they may not be doing it intentionally rather your negative experience is the result of some pain or painful events in the past that have not been processed by your brain as yet.

Think about a drinking glass. You and I are like that drinking glass and what is in that glass are all of our life’s experiences from the past and if filled with negative things then when current negative things happen our glass gets too full or starts to spill over resulting in feelings like you are going crazy from the emotional pain. If you don’t take ownership of this then the result will be a sense of powerlessness, a victim mentality, and self-sabotage of your most intimate relationship.

Conclusion

“Owning my own feelings” means that you refuse to be a victim anymore, you choose to get the help you need to begin your healing process and begin to communicate with your partner in a more meaningful and healing like manner resulting in a better marriage relationship which will bring you closer and closer to the loving relationship you have wanted.

Be sure to read this entire series (click on words below):

Part 1: Commitment

Part 2: Humility

Disclaimer:  This article is not meant to diagnose, treat nor is it any kind of conclusive evidence, this article is simply the opinion of the author.  This article is meant for personal reflection and inspiration only.

Sources:

Psychological Projection:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=exodus+1&version=KJV

Humility? You may be wondering what that has to do with marriage. Without humility there can not be true love in a marriage neither can you ever effectively communicate with one another. Nobody is born humble. Humility is choice, a choice that is made whenever an attitude within yourself or your partner arises. Humility makes a person lovable and attractive.

What is humility?

Humility has often been framed in a spiritual or religious framework which has its merits. That being said, humility is not just a cognitive process but is also a heart (core belief) motivated action.

Webster’s 1828 online dictionary gives one definition of humble as: Lowly; modest; meek; submissive; opposed to proud, haughty, arrogant or assuming.

Chambers English Dictionary, 1988 edition defines humility as, the state or quality of being humble: lowliness of mind: modesty and further defines humble as, low: lowly: modest: unpretentious: having a low opinion of oneself.

Just to clarity the word humility refers to a quality where the word humble refers to the one having and acting in humility.

What can humility in a marriage look like? It would mean to defer to your partner rather than putting yourself, your opinions, and your needs first. Humility has confidence in ones self because a humble person is a person of confidence and is not easily threatened. Humility is a choice where a person puts themselves into a loving submissive position to put your partner’s needs first and thinking about them before yourself. Acknowledging you’re not always right is key to being humble and is a key to making marriage work. The humble also acknowledge that they are not always right and is not seeking to draw attention to themselves.

Humility in marriage

I could use many examples of what it could look like and what it definitely does not look like, but this would probably have to be a book. Here are some key attributes of what humility can look like in marriage.

Empathic non-judgmental listening

Take time to listen to your spouse without any inner or outer judgment, criticism, or the formulation of your argument as to how you disagree with them. Remember humility is not seeking to defend itself and prove the other person wrong. Humility involves compassion where you are seeking to understand what your partner is feeling, thinking, and experiencing and how you can help them to feel validated and loved

Expressions of gratitude

Always express gratitude to your spouse for numerous things. On a daily basis I express, with the words of my mouth, my gratitude to my wife for who she is and what she does and has done. I express gratitude for all the love she has shown me throughout the years of our relationship.
Received constructive criticism. Regularly seek feedback from your spouse. In my marriage I regularly ask my wife for feedback on my behaviour, the meeting of her needs, and life choices. I have nothing to lose because I am confident in myself feeling secure. My wife also is not a critical person but is very respectful of me and how she talks to me. Remember, both people in a marriage need to practice humility. Allow honest correction to be given. This leads me to my next point.

Personal growth

Remain in a state of constant growth. When we become adults we all too often feel there is no more personal improvement needed. Personal improvement, learning, growth require humility but also produce for us a better life and a better self. No one is perfect so why act like you are and believe that it’s your spouse that needs to do the changing? Be teachable and you will be astounded in your personal growth.
Seek help. Asking for help. Humility is not threatened by the lack of knowledge but asks for help. Asking for help is part of humility. Sometimes we may feel “dum” to ask a question or get help, but I have learned that you cannot succeed at anything especially marriage when you don’t ask for help. Guys! We are not supermen, we are men who choose to be big enough to ask for help. Women love humble men and humble does not mean weak but rather it represents care.

Be respectful

Be respectful. Use kind language. Being humble is being kind. Humility speaks with clarity, assertiveness, truth, and kindness along with respect. Humility is a choice and you can choose to be respectful without trying to justify your own bad behaviour.

Love, acceptance, and forgiveness

Accepting of yourself and your partner. Love, acceptance and forgiveness are the three needed to demonstrate humility. We need to have these 3 for ourselves as well as for your spouse. Without these three your marriage will fail.

Deferring to your partner

Deference is a word not used nearly as much as it needs to be used. Because, marriage is an emotional relationship humility expressed as deference is essential because if both do not practice deference then resentment and hatred can become the emotional mainstay resulting in a lousy marriage or divorce. Deference is an inner choice where we take a step back inwardly, where we choose to hold our tongue and listen. Outwardly this could look like an invitation to talk, allowing your partner to have their say while inwardly we are trying to understand where they are coming from. Deference will more than likely prevent unhealthy conflict in marriage.

Conclusion

Without humility marriage will probably fail. It takes humility to heal a marriage and keep a marriage. Nobody likes a know-it-all, someone who feels they are almost always right about things. Remember we are not that good and neither are we mostly right and our partner is mostly wrong. If you can’t get over yourself you can’t heal your marriage. Humility is the conduit for healing and keeping a marriage healthy. Nobody is born humble, humility is a choice and more than likely a choice that needs to be made several times in a day. Practice humility and you will have more love, more favour and more of good things in your life and marriage.

In my next article I will be looking at the next key – Owning Your Feelings.

Suggested reading:

If you haven’t read my previous article, Making Marriage Work Part 1: Commitment click here to read.

Learning How To Communicate And How Not to Botch It Up!   click here to read

Disclaimer:  This article is not meant to diagnose, treat nor is it any kind of conclusive evidence, this article is simply the opinion of the author.  This article is meant for personal reflection and inspiration only.

Sources:

Humble: http://webstersdictionary1828.com/Dictionary/humble

https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ps/humility.html

When coming to marriage counselling there are some essential things that need to be understood in order for marriage counselling to work.  Marriage counselling is for those who want their marriage to work though there may be some emotional uncertainty around it.  

Doing marriage counselling for few decades has given me some insight on what works and what doesn’t work when it comes to helping a marriage thrive.  Through my research and practice I have realized that 3 key elements are needed from the onset in order to succeed, commitment, humility, and personal ownership of your feelings.

This article focuses on commitment.  Commitment looks different to different people and can hold various definitions in peoples’ minds therefore I want to help you to see what it should look like in order to have successful recovery in your marriage.

Commitment to your marriage

With divorce and separation rates climbing these days commitment in the western world is a term that is quite fluid.  Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines commitment as: an agreement or pledge to do something in the future; something pledged.  Does that sound familiar?  Do you recall when you verbally said your vows in the marriage ceremony and said in agreement, “I do”? These two words in a marriage ceremony is the verbal contract.  These are the words which confirmed your commitment to one another – unless of course you meant to lie about it.

I have observed that couples that fight to keep their marriage are couples who put the effort into working things out; whereas those who take an approach of ‘wait and see’  rarely will work out their differences.  How many other things in life work successfully if we take a wait and see approach?  I would say that most things don’t work out at all with that attitude.  In sports, academics, fitness, weight loss, just to mention a few areas, your efforts are never successful without a firm commitment that involves a do-or-die attitude.  Relationships take work.  Just having a romantic interlude or casual sex doesn’t require any work because desire and pleasure is driving you.  If our approach is simply to have pleasure and nothing else then marriage won’t work.  Some research has shown that those involved in a committed monogamous relationship begin with a hormonal high and after a period ranging from 2 weeks to 2 years the hormonal high subsides.  What does this mean?  It means that you were on your own emotional drugs and now you are sober.  Commitment in your marriage involves a resolute decision to reclaim the feelings of love you once had.  Love is spelt W-O-R-K.  

Commitment to the counselling process

Another important commitment that is needed to succeed in restoring love in your marriage is the commitment to the counselling process.  All too often couples will come in with serious marital issues and will give up usually after coming for 1 to 6 sessions.  Imagine if you went to the gym and thought that way, or that you could complete a degree in university by putting in just a few hours.  You might say that’s ridiculous, it takes much more effort and commitment to succeed.  Then, how is it that you can expect the single most important relationship you will ever have in this earthly life, to be fixed and restored? How to love your spouse? How to communicate effectively?  How to meet your spouse’s needs?  Do these things just happen?  If you think that it is no wonder you are having problems.  Anything that is worth having and fighting for takes time, money, education, training, and practice.  

When you start off with counselling you may encounter a week of sudden bliss or all of a sudden it gets even worse!  This is NORMAL!  But, the key is to be committed through this process, remember it is a process.  There is no magic wand, miracle pill or the like, making marriage work takes committed work on several levels which includes learning, problem solving, learning to listen better, learning to speak better, putting aside yourself and becoming compassionate towards your partner.

How long will it take?  This is something I frequently hear from people.  This depends on the level of commitment from each person in the relationship.  When you are in this process you need to set work aside, other friends aside, parents aside, set your money concerns aside (a lawyer is much more expensive), and time aside for regular sessions, spending quality time with your spouse, time for reading, learning, practicing  – all in order to succeed.

Are you ready for commitment ?

If you will become as committed as an olympic athlete you will succeed in having a marriage that will be exciting, invigorating, and amazing.

Commitment is one of the most important keys to making marriage counselling and marriage work.

In my next article I will be looking at the next key – humility.

Suggested reading:  (>Click Here<) Falling Out Of Love – Part 2: Understanding How Love In Marriage Works

Disclaimer:  This article is not meant to diagnose, treat nor is it any kind of conclusive evidence, this article is simply the opinion of the author.  This article is meant for personal reflection and inspiration only.

Sources:

1.  Commitment: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/commitment

Another reason people “fall out of love” is because of their attachment style.  This is not the same as personality type or style but rather the healthy versus the unhealthy.  There is a new resurgence with new and updated research on “attachment”, but the main emphasis today is on attachment style in adulthood and how it impacts the relationships we have.

Simple definition of attachment in psychology

A simple definition of attachment can be defined as the manner and depth of emotional bond that a person can create or have with another individual.  The depth of attachment is dependent on the ability for a person to pursue closeness and the level in which a person feels secure when in the presence of the person to which they are forming a bond.  The theory of Attachment explains how a parent-child relationship is formed and influenced resulting in a particular attachment style in future relationships.

In a secure attachment style, healthiest one, a deep and enduring emotional bond is formed between two people in which each seeks closeness and feels more secure when in the presence of the attachment figure.

Why is this important to me?

The reason this is important because it reveals our level of emotional stability and resilience when it comes to having a healthy enduring relationship.  Our bonding ability is closely tied to how our primary care givers ability to be emotionally present with us in childhood as well as the kind of emotional support that we received.  The quality of our childhood and our parental emotional presence has significantly impacted our lives especially when it comes to close and intimate relationships.  We all want stability, dependability, and predictability in our relationships, but are we our own worst enemy?

The need for stability and predictability

Stability and predictability in a relationship is dependent on a few key factors:  the quality of attachment that was formed in our childhood, the quality of our moral values, and understanding the true nature and qualities of love itself.  Without these three we will probably not have long lasting secure relationships that are supportive and stable.  

Taking responsibility 

Be aware that we all need to own our choices, emotions, and style of bonding we have.  It’s not about blame rather about accepting our own flawed style of attachment.  All too often people will go from one extreme to another, from blaming their spouse, to blaming their parents or teacher, or blaming themselves.  Taking ownership is not about blame rather about personal recognition that we are the ones who are acting out and feeling what we are feeling.  It is essential though emotionally painful to come to the place of recognizing that we have faults that we didn’t recognize and failed to see about ourselves.  How easy it is to blame others around us rather than to take responsibility for our own feelings, thoughts and outward behaviours.  If we choose the path of humility then we will want to better ourselves rather than focusing on everyone else’s behaviour towards us.  Painful as it is it is rewarding to be free from the pain of our past, to give up all hope for a better past, to no longer feel the victim, or feel that you are treated unfairly.  Freedom from these tormenting emotions are the reward.

Remember owning your own emotions is critical to the path of peace.  If we choose this road less travelled we will experience the pain of guilt and/or shame.  The good news is that we needed to see this about ourselves so that we can do something about it.  Trying to fix your partner is is a futile endeavour.  Each person in the relationship needs to take responsibility for themselves and remember don’t police your partner.

You can have long lasting love

A person with a secure attachment style is a person who will stay in love and experience long lasting love especially when they have married to a person who also has a secure attachment style.  You may be asking about now, “Who then has this secure attachment style?”  We either develop a secure attachment style in childhood because our parents were able to provide that for us or we can develop a secure attachment style through counselling and therapeutic help.

Staying in love rather than falling out of love has a lot to do with attachment, the quality of our moral values, and understanding the true nature and qualities of love which feeds the feelings of love for your spouse.

Sources:

1.  McLeod, S. A. (2017, Febuary 05). Attachment theory. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.htm

2.  Vinney, Cynthia. “Adult Attachment Styles: Definitions and Impact on Relationships.” ThoughtCo, Aug. 28, 2020, thoughtco.com/adult-attachment-styles-4774974.

Love in trouble can be recognized and resolved if we know what to look for.  There are a number of key things that a person needs to look for in a love relationship that culminates in marriage and that is what my article is about.  Let’s consider the following signs we can see that can reveal to us that our love in marriage is in trouble.

You do not spend quality time together

We grow apart because we no longer spend quality time with our spouse.  If you are like ships passing in the night or simply discussing duties and responsibilities of the household and there is not quality time spent with each other on a daily basis then your marriage is in trouble.

You have to make your spouse the most important person in your life and not just in words or intentions but in real world action.  You have to spend time together talking about heart matters and feelings allowing your partner into your heart and that takes time and communication with no allowable intrusions.

Your fights are harmful

Conflict can and will exist in a loving relationship and it doesn’t mean that the relationship is over as some might think, but how one behaves in conflict makes all the difference as to whether or not you are destroying love in your relationship or helping to resolve and repair differences that each of you might be having with each other.  Harmful fighting is when you are attacking and rejecting your partner that demoralizes them.  Harmful fighting includes rejection of your partner and that can be seen through too much anger that can be seen in expressions that are critical, defensive, disrespectful, and cold. 

Being critical 

How you fight determines whether or not you will have love in your relationship.  You have to avoid criticism that usually involves blaming your partner outrightly in a cruel manner by using such phrases as:  You always… or You never…. I am going to speak my truth… I’m going to give you a piece of my mind… etc.  These types of phrases will destroy love in a relationship.  If you have a complaint be direct about it rather than critical, work to resolve the problem rather than attacking your partner.  

Being defensive

Being defensive when your partner brings up an issue will surely end in miserable failure as this sends a strong signal that they are unimportant and so is their complaint.  Being defensive only escalates the conflict.  The best solution is first to listen without a comeback to validate the person’s complaint and to take some responsibility for the problem even if you feel criticized in some manner.  Being defensive only compounds any problems that exist.

Being disrespectful

Make no excuses for yourself, being disrespectful is contentious by nature as it is full of contempt and possibly filled with mockery or scorn.  Fighting dirty can send a message that you lack good character and have not emotionally matured.  Respect is paramount for your relationship.  Remember no one is greater than the other, you are partners.  Yes, you are different from each other and that is a good thing not a bad thing.  If you are struggling with respecting your partner you don’t have to show it otherwise you become the perpetrator.  It is so important to own your own emotions and feelings that way you won’t become harmful.  Being respectful is key to love and reconciliation.  Work on respect, having a tone of voice that is respectful.  Avoid rolling the eyes, wagging the head, sighing and other body expressions that expresses scorn.  Use words that convey respect though you may not agree.  Build appreciation in your mind and heart think of the good qualities of your partner that which you saw when you were in love.  Build quality, respectful communication with your partner, which will begin turning things around.  It takes work but it is worth it!

Being cold

Being cold, putting up a wall between you and your partner will only escalate the problem and lead to separation.  Being cold sends a message of hatred.  Why? When people communicate there is engagement which allows people to have hope in a relationship though it may be going through a rocky road at the moment.  When we put up a wall this is ultimate rejection.  That being said it is common that men do this more than women and is often the result of feeling overwhelmed.  A solution might be to take a break that is time specific (like a half-hour) that is mutually agreed upon and not dictated.  Don’t take a break for more than a day as this can be stonewalling.  Agree to come together and to communicate with one another in a respectful manner though you are unhappy.  Always take the ownership of your feelings, avoid blaming and criticizing, and being defensive as this will lead to a break down in love and communication.

Lack of honesty

A lack of honesty in marriage will destroy love.  A lack of honest is better known as lying.  Lying is both active and passive.  Active lying is directly telling someone a falsehood, something that is not true or real, whereas passive lying is the withholding of information.  Passive lying occurs when we choose not to communicate information with our partner.  I have been told, “I don’t want to upset my partner so I didn’t tell them about…”. This withholding of information, is probably the result of fear for self protection, which always leads to a worse place in your relationship because it will lead to significant turmoil and a feeling of betrayal in your partner.

If you want intimacy then you have to be openhearted and honest.  Be honest but not hurtful, be truthful but not disrespectful. 

Lack of intimacy

Men and women often look at intimacy as two very different things though it usually culminates into sex.  For a man to feel loved he needs to have sex and for a woman to have sex she needs to feel loved.  Generally speaking, men need their wife to have sex with them on a regular basis, as their physiology is quite different from a woman’s.   Again, generally speaking, Women first need the heart connection where they feel adored or idolized by their partner where they are treated as special which can come through words, touch, and actions of kindness before they want sex.  A man need sex but not just the act of intercourse but to have intimacy in sex where they can experience their wife emotionally engaging with them in sex rather than just being “available”.  A man needs to know that his wife is in-to-him.  Remember if sexual intimacy is not a regular part of your marriage then love in marriage will fail and you will be more like roommates.  You got married for committed intimacy… sex!  Marriage is irrelevant if the relationship is plutonic.

In Conclusion

We can fall out of love because we fail to understand that love is not just a feeling but needs to be actionable.  Love has to be understood as a virtue first in order to continue experiencing the feelings and passions of love in marriage.  Read my last article to further understand this vital  aspect of love,  “Understanding How Love In Marriage Works”.  The virtuous side of love gives stability in a relationship which is vital if you are to keep love out of trouble. 

When we hear the phrase “love in marriage” it can stir up a desire to be married or stir up feelings of hurt and disappointment from a failed marriage or relationship.  We have all looked at the ideal side of love – the passionate feelings of love.  We all want to feel loved!  In almost three decades of counselling couples I have come to the conclusion that our society does not understand the nature of love and how to make it work, which has left many people disappointed about marriage and a happily ever-after.  This is primarily due to a fundamental ignorance of what love is and what it is not.

Passion takes work!  I know you didn’t want to hear that.  In my previous article, Falling Out Of Love – Part 1: Defining Love, I touched on the subject of hormonal highs and what that realistically looks like in a marriage.  We all want the magic!  We all want the fireworks!  The can’t eat, can’t sleep, hit the ball out of the park, kind of love.  Or, is this really love?  We love the hormonal high.  We as humans are pleasure seeking creatures but if that is what we are going to primarily chase in life we will find ourselves in a mental, emotional, physical, and even financial mess at some point unless there is a healthy respect and understanding of what love is.

As previously stated in my last article, I described how love in marriage can be understood as having two sides, the virtuous side and the emotional side.  Understanding the differences between the two and how they work together will give us the outcome that we are looking for, that is, passion in marriage.

It’s important to remember that marriage is an emotional relationship by nature and it can be destroyed through a lack of knowledge and poor choices.

Virtuous side of love

Love is rarely discussed or understood as having a virtuous side to it.  People have a tendency to only view love as as emotional, ie. romantic.  There is a whole day in February given to celebrate the romance of love, St. Valentine’s Day, but what about the virtue of love?

Virtue can be defined as an inner conviction of high moral values where fidelity, integrity, preference and consideration of others takes precedence over baser self-centred desires that are ultimately short-sighted.  In the long run virtuous love will insure that your own needs are met as you met the needs of your spouse.

You may ask, “How will this help me to get the love in my marriage that I need?  When do my needs get met?”  Good question!  Virtue helps us to be more objective in the consideration of the other person’s needs, possibly above our own needs.  If both husband and wife can yield to this inner God-given virtuous love then meeting each others emotional needs will become easier and easier.  

Virtuous love involves humility, compassion, commitment (integrity) and ownership of one’s own feelings and behaviours.  Without the understanding of these virtues, or the understanding of true love then only lust will exist which will lead a person to a place of dissatisfaction, anger, and rejection, casting away that which has true lasting value.

Relationships that fail are the result of selfishness and lust in the heart of one or more of the individuals in the marriage.  It takes courage, integrity of heart and commitment to see a rocky marriage through the rough terrain until the feelings of love are restored.

Remember virtuous love will be focused on meeting your spouse’s emotional needs first and foremost.  When both are committed to virtuous love then the inevitable outcome will be passionate emotional love.  If there is a failure of passionate emotional love then virtuous love has failed to be fully exercised and feelings have become the overbearing taskmaster in your life.  

“It takes two to tango”.   Both parties have to be involved in this process of love with a firm commitment.  Feelings of love do not change overnight, especially if there has been a lot of neglect, hurt, and time that has passed.  Be patient, consistent in love and committed to each other and then you will see results. 

Emotional side of love

The emotional side of love in a marriage is a must since marriage is an emotional relationship. When emotional needs have not been met and love destroying habits have existed, what once was ‘love’ can turn to ‘hate’.  To keep passionate love as a dominant feeling each person needs to meet their spouse’s emotional needs and eliminate love-destroying behaviour.  These needs have been discovered, defined, and detailed in numerous works.  My favourite works of Dr. Willard Harley in the writing of His Needs Her Needs and in Love Busters.  

Meeting each others emotional needs takes virtuous love.  Too often couples believe that they are meant for or not meant for each other based on how the other person “makes them feel”.   In fact feelings can be easily triggered positively or negatively for a variety of reasons and without committing to personally working on your own issues, you probably will end up blaming your partner and giving up on your relationship with them.  

Emotional passion in marriage takes work!  I know you don’t want to believe that because of what you are feeling.  Feelings do try to tell us things but all too often the interpretation of those feelings are deceiving as they lead us to false conclusions which can lead to a trail of broken relationships and disillusionment where marriage is concerned.  

First, you have to own your feelings.  This means you have to realize that your partner is not responsible for how you feel, you are!  They are your feelings whether or not you like them.  Feelings are the result of emotions in your body which you alone experience based on your life’s experiences, and even from your parents starting from in utero on up through your developmental years (0-18 years).  I realize that you may not agree, but more accurately you probably don’t like what you just read because you can no longer play the victim by making your partner responsible for what you feel, ouch!

Yes, I realize that there are abusive and neglectful individuals out there but you have the power of choice.  Unless you are in a pre-arranged marriage you made that choice.  Another important note on abuse, if you feel that your partner is abusive are they truly so or is that your own perception based on your past trauma?  Take the Abuse Test.

Let’s continue on the premise that you were “in love” and now you have “fallen out of love” and you want to gain the feelings of love back in your relationship, after all, this article was written for those couples who want their relationship to work!

In Conclusion

In conclusion, love is more than just a feeling.  Love first must be a virtue or it is simply a hormonal, sexual response that is born from the baser lust within us.  Love must be first virtuous which then by its very nature leads to meeting your spouse’s emotional needs which then creates the feelings of passionate love for one another.  

Be committed to one another, be committed to being a virtuous person, be committed to owning your feelings, be committed to meeting your partner’s emotional needs and be committed to the therapeutic process that can help you to reach the desired goal of restored passionate love in marriage!

Falling in love is such a beautiful thing.  The Hallmark channel and other romantic venues make this their primary focus offering the possibility of a ‘happily ever after’.  Humans have been enraptured with the idea of love ever since their beginning.  The idea of falling in love for most people is understood only as a feeling therefore leaving many without a clear understanding of love.  We as humans need love, want love and pursue love.  Love is one of those words or concepts that is often misunderstood and therefore can leave a trail of broken and bleeding hearts.

All too often I have heard people tell me when they come for marital counselling that their previous relationships that fell apart often involve the words we fell out of love with each other.  This makes it sound like just a happen stance thing with no rhyme nor reason, as though all by chance or simply a thing that is biological in nature.

Ignorance is a destroyer and in this case it destroys relationships, it destroys marriages.  When I dig deeper and help people to better understand love and how it works sharing with them the “secrets” of making love work, then it makes sense and the results speak for itself.  First let’s understand the mechanics love or at least the bare bones of it.

Understanding Love

In our English language we use the word love for various things that we enjoy, have an affection for or a devotion towards.  We can love bananas, love a dog or cat, love our child, love a job, and love your husband/wife.  Love is a word that has numerous different meanings.  In some other languages love does not have only one word but a number of words to define or better describe a particular kind of love.  The Greek language is one such language which essentially has four words for love: agape, phileo, storge, and eros.  These words help to differentiate what kind of love is being expressed when they desire to communicate an affection or affinity towards their object of choice.  Understanding what love is more specifically will help those in a marriage relationship to be more purposed in making love work.  

Agape Love

This word began to emerge in some of the works of Plato approximately 500 years before Christ.  It wasn’t until the time of the writing of the Septuagint and the New Testament of the Bible did this word take on a more distinct meaning that includes not only a devotional type of love but an unconditional, self-sacrificing love to be given to both foe and friend.  This is a virtuous love though can involve deep devotion involving a non-sexual passion.  This love can also be described as an unconditional love, which is divine in nature.

Phileo Love

Also known as philia is a love that denotes brotherly or sisterly love.  It is a mutual friendship type of affection or love.  It is known to be dispassionate in nature and virtuous which can exist between family, friends, and even spouses.  It is a love that is mutually beneficial and can be understood as you scratch my back I scratch yours.   This kind of love we see in other English words such as philanthropy, philology, philoprogenitive, and other words that include “philo” which denotes a liking for a specific thing. Unlike agape this love has conditions because it requires mutual benefit.

Storge Love

This word is used specifically to express non-sexual physical affection that is generally expressed in family and friendship relationships.  Such examples would be the physical care and affection that parents give to their children.  Another example would by giving someone a hug as in a friendship or cultural greeting.

Eros Love

Eros kind of love is passionate and sexual in nature.  It involves a longing, sexual desire, in modern Greek it denotes romantic love.  In ancient Greek it denotes an expression of courting and love in marriage.  Plato used this love to express an appreciation for beauty.  This word we can see used in our English language as in erotic love.  When people refer to falling in love or falling out of love this word would best describe the meaning of those statements.  

Conclusion

When we fall in love or fall out of love our feelings and passions have shifted.  This happens for one or more of these three reasons:

1. All romantic, sexually passionate feelings in a committed marital relationship begin to diminish somewhere between two weeks to two years according to Dr. Patricia Love and Jo Robinson.  This is largely due to the mind and body normalizing itself thereby lowering those hormonal levels.
2. The reason that passion existed either no longer exists or has severely diminished because of the lack of meeting each others emotional needs. 
3. Bad habits that have been repeatedly demonstrated towards your partner in the relationship.  Such bad habits can be understood as love thieves that are a result of selfishness, ignorance, lack of self-control, and/or unresolved past emotional issues in ones life.

To fall in love again is possible and does take effort and often professional help.  In my next article I will discuss how love in marriage works. 

Sources:

1.  Agape. (2019, February 7). New World Encyclopedia, . Retrieved 21:00, December 11, 2019 from //www.newworldencyclopedia.org/p/index.php?title=Agape&oldid=1017946.

2.  Love, Patricia and Robinson, Jo, Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate, Intimate Lovemaking, CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform, 2012.

Everyone wants to feel loved that is one big reason you decided to get married.  But, with so many definitions and thoughts about love it can get a bit confusing.  I cannot address all the aspects of “feeling loved” but I can give you a slice of the pie.

First, let’s consider the differences between men and women.  In order for a man to feel loved he needs to have sexual intimacy.  In order for a woman to want to have sex she needs to feel loved.  These two statements at first may seem confusing but that’s how it works in marriage.

She needs to feel loved to have sex

Though sex is physical and involves physical touch and physical sensation but it is much more than that, especially for a woman, it is emotional in nature.  In order for your wife to want to have sex and be emotionally available she needs to feel loved.  You are probably wondering by now what that might look like.  Here is a short and concise list that can help you better understand what feeling loved for a woman may look like.

The love needs of a woman

A woman needs to be…

• Spoken to with a kindness and compassion.
• Touched in a gentle and thoughtful manner.
• Gently and thoughtfully treated with various acts of kindness.
• Given thoughtful gifts such as flowers.
• Spending quality time her husband where each of you can talk and gaze into each others eyes.
• Helped in the time of need, including around the house (knight in shining armour).
• Shown respect through words, tone, and actions.
• Taken care of where she can feel safe which can include being provided for and/or supported. She wants a responsible working man.
• Told the truth.  She needs her husband to be open and honest with her which will allow her to open up to her partner accordingly.
• Committed to.  Another attractive feature for a woman is when a man shows family commitment and values.

This list is in no way an unabridged list but it does cover the majority of feeling loved issues that a woman may have.  When a woman feels loved then she will be more receptive and responsive to sex.

He needs to have sex to feel loved

Sex is what seriously distinguishes the difference between being married and just being friends.  The biggest sex organ you have is your brain.  It takes healthy thinking to have healthy sex. If a woman is not willing and emotionally engaged in sex with her husband then he will not feel loved. 

I have had numerous clients come in where the man has asked his wife to spend time with him, to be more affectionate, even if she wasn’t open about sex, but in every single situation, deep down inside of every man, that is physiologically healthy, he wants to have sex and as frequently as daily or at least every other day.  I have had men tell me that they would be happy even if they had sex once a week! 

Why are men and women different?

Men and woman are different.  They are different physically, in shape, in skin construction, sexual reproductivity, hormonally, and even in their brain function.  Men and women were meant to be different.  Different in this case is good because it is like the Ying to the Yang, shoes and socks, bread and butter, and spaghetti and meatballs.  It is not about being like each other but rather the complimentary differences of each other.  For example, men are predominantly stimulated by sight, where woman are predominately stimulated by touch, even though both can enjoy both experiences.

Men’s sexual physiology leads to a sperm and semen build up approximately every 24 to 48 hours which triggers the brain for sex.  Besides that men think about sex at least 10 times more in a day than woman do.  Women’s sexual arousal is not the result of any build up of fluid but rather the build up of love and support coming from her partner.

Why do sport channels appeal to men than to women and the Hallmark channel more to women than to men? It’s all about the emotional and sexual make up of men versus women.  Bottom line is that we need to better understand each other and take time to do so, because that can lead to a fulfilling marriage and love life.

Men’s sexual needs can include:

• The obvious is having sexual intercourse.
• A woman’s emotional connection with her husband where she is in to him during times of sexual intimacy.
• A wife having a Submissive attitude and disposition in sex.
• A woman who is actively engaged in foreplay.
• Where a woman is being creative in sexual activities.
• Understanding what is mutually satisfying.
• Bonding – no man or woman wants to be second fiddle to anybody else.  Marriage is to be exclusive of all others.

Feeling loved in marriage

In conclusion, feeling loved by your partner is critical and it is a life long effort.  Love is not automatic and does need care and maintenance.  Falling out of love is the result of self-centredness where each person thinks it should just happen or it should just be.  When you wanted each other you put in the effort that is why you were “in love” with each other.  To have the same passion of love takes that kind of effort with constant gratitude for each other.

In order for a man to feel loved he needs to have sex.  In order for a woman to want to have sex she needs to feel loved.  If you can remember this, invest in your marriage, be grateful for one another, show love and respect to each other you can have a fulfilling passionate marriage relationship.

To get the most out of therapy takes a few steps of preparation.  Since you are probably paying for your therapy or counselling sessions it would be prudent to come prepared to listen, participate, and to talk.

It’s important to understand that your therapist is not a magician or miracle worker though they are skilled individuals that have been trained to help connect with, be compassionate, be a good listener and facilitator in helping you with your problems.

Finding the right therapist for you can take some investigation as well as spending some of your money.  Though I am a therapist myself, I too have pursued therapy and though I am trained in this field I understand that after I have done my due diligence to search out the type of therapist I would like to see that I may end up not resonating with the therapist, this happens and that’s okay.  Be sure though to look at yourself especially if you have seen numerous therapists and have only stayed with them for a short period of time.  If possible before you book your first appointment try to find out what is the therapist’s style, what is the process that the therapist wants to take you through, be open-minded, investigate, and ask questions.  Remember nobody is perfect and no therapist can read your mind.  If your personalities don’t connect well then it may be best to pursue another therapist.

• Know that you need help, don’t come because you want to fix someone else.
• Take some notes, at least some mental notes, of what you want to discuss with your therapist from the onset of the session.
• If you have had other therapy/counselling sessions be sure that you have followed through and completed or practiced your given assignments.
• Be aware that getting upset with your progress may not be your therapist’s issue it could be your own anxiety issues projecting onto your therapist, therefore be ready to own your own stuff and take personal responsibility for your progress.  If you need to let your therapist know about your frustrations concerning your progress let them know kindly and clearly.
• Therapy is a journey more than a process or an assembly line of treatment.  Going faster sometimes means moving slower.  Relax knowing that this time is for you.

To have successful therapy it is important to note that not every session will be revolutionary or life changing but rather your consistent participation in the process will build a therapeutic momentum transpiring in overall healing and even exceptional healing moments.

Once you leave a session notice what happened, what you said, what the therapist said, what you learned, how you felt, what you need to discuss further and possibly even give your therapist some feedback to gain further clarification, especially if you didn’t like something that transpired during the session.

Three Ways To Communicate

According to Transactional Analysis there are three states or ways of communicating in marriage.  Observe below:

1. Parent to Child
2. Child to Parent
3. Adult to Adult

The best mode of communication is when a couple communicates Adult to Adult as seen in number 3.  This way of communicating keeps the relationship respectful and helps to keep the affection active towards each other.  When the relationship becomes hierarchal then the communication in the relationship creates pain resulting in a lack of healthy affection for each other.

Hierarchal Communication

When a person speaks to their spouse in a manner that is coming from a condescending, domineering position then the mode of communication can be seen as in #1, above.  This position causes a rift in respect and will distance your partner from you emotionally if not physically.  This position is a position of control and the need to dominate even if the tone is not aggressive.  Notice this example of communication:

Parent to Child: “Why do I have to keep telling you to clean the litter box?  After all this time of having a cat you think that I wouldn’t have to remind you.”

The response could look like (notice style), Child to Parent:  “Well after all this time of being married why don’t you do it yourself since it bothers you.”

One person is talking down to the other while the other reacts like a child.  An enlightened spouse coming from an Adult mode of communicating could sound like:

Adult to Parent:  “I have remembered to clean the litter box and I will tend to it once I have finished eating.”

Ideal Marriage Communication

The ideal way of communicating could look something like this:

Adult to Adult:  “Honey, please remember to clean the litter box today as it is beginning to smell and that’s not good for our health.”

Adult to Adult response could be:  “No problem sweetie, you’re exactly right.”

An Exercise To Develop Healthy Marriage Communication

Find a way of practicing Adult to Adult communication.  Here are some steps to consider:

1. Think before you speak as much of poor communication is the result of habit and emotional triggers.
2. Agree with one another that whenever one of you feels patronized, or talked down to that you can ask your partner the simple words, “Parent-Child?” With a wink or raised eyebrow.  
3. Then allow your partner to retry their communication so that it becomes Adult to Adult communication.
4. Allow your partner to give you feedback, of course all communication must be respectful (Adult mode).

Such skills may need further honing, further coaching and even counselling.  If you fail at succeeding possibly then the emotional brain needs some help to process things through where healing can take place so that communication can be a wonderful experience in your marriage.

If you need further marriage counselling please reach out to us and begin your healing and journey of recovery.

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At New Hope Counselling Centre we can help you to improve your marital bliss through by building good communication skills.  Bringing you hope for a better tomorrow.  Call us today!

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