Humility? You may be wondering what that has to do with marriage. Without humility there can not be true love in a marriage neither can you ever effectively communicate with one another. Nobody is born humble. Humility is choice, a choice that is made whenever an attitude within yourself or your partner arises. Humility makes a person lovable and attractive.

What is humility?

Humility has often been framed in a spiritual or religious framework which has its merits. That being said, humility is not just a cognitive process but is also a heart (core belief) motivated action.

Webster’s 1828 online dictionary gives one definition of humble as: Lowly; modest; meek; submissive; opposed to proud, haughty, arrogant or assuming.

Chambers English Dictionary, 1988 edition defines humility as, the state or quality of being humble: lowliness of mind: modesty and further defines humble as, low: lowly: modest: unpretentious: having a low opinion of oneself.

Just to clarity the word humility refers to a quality where the word humble refers to the one having and acting in humility.

What can humility in a marriage look like? It would mean to defer to your partner rather than putting yourself, your opinions, and your needs first. Humility has confidence in ones self because a humble person is a person of confidence and is not easily threatened. Humility is a choice where a person puts themselves into a loving submissive position to put your partner’s needs first and thinking about them before yourself. Acknowledging you’re not always right is key to being humble and is a key to making marriage work. The humble also acknowledge that they are not always right and is not seeking to draw attention to themselves.

Humility in marriage

I could use many examples of what it could look like and what it definitely does not look like, but this would probably have to be a book. Here are some key attributes of what humility can look like in marriage.

Empathic non-judgmental listening

Take time to listen to your spouse without any inner or outer judgment, criticism, or the formulation of your argument as to how you disagree with them. Remember humility is not seeking to defend itself and prove the other person wrong. Humility involves compassion where you are seeking to understand what your partner is feeling, thinking, and experiencing and how you can help them to feel validated and loved

Expressions of gratitude

Always express gratitude to your spouse for numerous things. On a daily basis I express, with the words of my mouth, my gratitude to my wife for who she is and what she does and has done. I express gratitude for all the love she has shown me throughout the years of our relationship.
Received constructive criticism. Regularly seek feedback from your spouse. In my marriage I regularly ask my wife for feedback on my behaviour, the meeting of her needs, and life choices. I have nothing to lose because I am confident in myself feeling secure. My wife also is not a critical person but is very respectful of me and how she talks to me. Remember, both people in a marriage need to practice humility. Allow honest correction to be given. This leads me to my next point.

Personal growth

Remain in a state of constant growth. When we become adults we all too often feel there is no more personal improvement needed. Personal improvement, learning, growth require humility but also produce for us a better life and a better self. No one is perfect so why act like you are and believe that it’s your spouse that needs to do the changing? Be teachable and you will be astounded in your personal growth.
Seek help. Asking for help. Humility is not threatened by the lack of knowledge but asks for help. Asking for help is part of humility. Sometimes we may feel “dum” to ask a question or get help, but I have learned that you cannot succeed at anything especially marriage when you don’t ask for help. Guys! We are not supermen, we are men who choose to be big enough to ask for help. Women love humble men and humble does not mean weak but rather it represents care.

Be respectful

Be respectful. Use kind language. Being humble is being kind. Humility speaks with clarity, assertiveness, truth, and kindness along with respect. Humility is a choice and you can choose to be respectful without trying to justify your own bad behaviour.

Love, acceptance, and forgiveness

Accepting of yourself and your partner. Love, acceptance and forgiveness are the three needed to demonstrate humility. We need to have these 3 for ourselves as well as for your spouse. Without these three your marriage will fail.

Deferring to your partner

Deference is a word not used nearly as much as it needs to be used. Because, marriage is an emotional relationship humility expressed as deference is essential because if both do not practice deference then resentment and hatred can become the emotional mainstay resulting in a lousy marriage or divorce. Deference is an inner choice where we take a step back inwardly, where we choose to hold our tongue and listen. Outwardly this could look like an invitation to talk, allowing your partner to have their say while inwardly we are trying to understand where they are coming from. Deference will more than likely prevent unhealthy conflict in marriage.

Conclusion

Without humility marriage will probably fail. It takes humility to heal a marriage and keep a marriage. Nobody likes a know-it-all, someone who feels they are almost always right about things. Remember we are not that good and neither are we mostly right and our partner is mostly wrong. If you can’t get over yourself you can’t heal your marriage. Humility is the conduit for healing and keeping a marriage healthy. Nobody is born humble, humility is a choice and more than likely a choice that needs to be made several times in a day. Practice humility and you will have more love, more favour and more of good things in your life and marriage.

In my next article I will be looking at the next key – Owning Your Feelings.

Suggested reading:

If you haven’t read my previous article, Making Marriage Work Part 1: Commitment click here to read.

Learning How To Communicate And How Not to Botch It Up!   click here to read

Disclaimer:  This article is not meant to diagnose, treat nor is it any kind of conclusive evidence, this article is simply the opinion of the author.  This article is meant for personal reflection and inspiration only.

Sources:

Humble: http://webstersdictionary1828.com/Dictionary/humble

https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ps/humility.html

Three Ways To Communicate

According to Transactional Analysis there are three states or ways of communicating in marriage.  Observe below:

1. Parent to Child
2. Child to Parent
3. Adult to Adult

The best mode of communication is when a couple communicates Adult to Adult as seen in number 3.  This way of communicating keeps the relationship respectful and helps to keep the affection active towards each other.  When the relationship becomes hierarchal then the communication in the relationship creates pain resulting in a lack of healthy affection for each other.

Hierarchal Communication

When a person speaks to their spouse in a manner that is coming from a condescending, domineering position then the mode of communication can be seen as in #1, above.  This position causes a rift in respect and will distance your partner from you emotionally if not physically.  This position is a position of control and the need to dominate even if the tone is not aggressive.  Notice this example of communication:

Parent to Child: “Why do I have to keep telling you to clean the litter box?  After all this time of having a cat you think that I wouldn’t have to remind you.”

The response could look like (notice style), Child to Parent:  “Well after all this time of being married why don’t you do it yourself since it bothers you.”

One person is talking down to the other while the other reacts like a child.  An enlightened spouse coming from an Adult mode of communicating could sound like:

Adult to Parent:  “I have remembered to clean the litter box and I will tend to it once I have finished eating.”

Ideal Marriage Communication

The ideal way of communicating could look something like this:

Adult to Adult:  “Honey, please remember to clean the litter box today as it is beginning to smell and that’s not good for our health.”

Adult to Adult response could be:  “No problem sweetie, you’re exactly right.”

An Exercise To Develop Healthy Marriage Communication

Find a way of practicing Adult to Adult communication.  Here are some steps to consider:

1. Think before you speak as much of poor communication is the result of habit and emotional triggers.
2. Agree with one another that whenever one of you feels patronized, or talked down to that you can ask your partner the simple words, “Parent-Child?” With a wink or raised eyebrow.  
3. Then allow your partner to retry their communication so that it becomes Adult to Adult communication.
4. Allow your partner to give you feedback, of course all communication must be respectful (Adult mode).

Such skills may need further honing, further coaching and even counselling.  If you fail at succeeding possibly then the emotional brain needs some help to process things through where healing can take place so that communication can be a wonderful experience in your marriage.

If you need further marriage counselling please reach out to us and begin your healing and journey of recovery.

>> Marriage and Couples Counselling

At New Hope Counselling Centre we can help you to improve your marital bliss through by building good communication skills.  Bringing you hope for a better tomorrow.  Call us today!

Serving Burlington, Hamilton, Oakville, Milton, Mississauga, St. Catharines and surrounding areas.

Poor communication in marriage can be a very serious problem but the good news is that the problem is fixable. Communication at best can be a tricky endeavour especially when your own feelings and beliefs get in the way.

Fred and Doris, who came in for some counselling, have been married for over 10 years. They have become increasingly frustrated with each other and have grown apart. This couple once happily married no longer feels love for each other. Where they used to laugh and play together now they avoid each other and when they do speak to each other negative emotions cause them to misinterpret each other. They speak to one another in an offended manner assuming that that the other partner is out to hurt them. They are now calling each other names and are becoming abusive to each other. The conflict grows worse and love turns to hatred and resentment. Doris frequently doesn’t say what she means and Fred is often avoidant and can be explosive. They both love each other deep down inside but are too angry to want to kiss and make up. The long held and repeated hurts along with their poor communication skills leaves them feeling sad and hopeless. [These are fictitious characters in a fictitious scenario to illustrate common communication issues that are clinically presented].

Couples counselling begins

So many couples that come into my office resemble this couple with heightened emotions. They feel unloved, invalidated and possibly even betrayed. They no longer trust each other and begin to consider the possibility of a permanent separation or divorce. Is there hope for such a marriage? The answer is yes! But, it is a conditional yes. Yes, if both people in the relationship choose to take ownership and responsibility for their part of the troubled marriage. It takes humility for a marriage to work. If you are waiting for your partner to change before you will then it will never work. Waiting for your partner to change is a lack of humility that will result at in a relational impasse resulting in more of the same. If you keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results then you are fooling yourself.

At the onset of the first session I have with couples I inform them that anger is not an indication that the angrier partner is more right than the other. Anger exists for a reason but no emotion is above truth or fact. I continue by telling the couple that most marital problems are not the result of just one of them causing the problems, rather the “blame” is predominantly in equal proportion to each person in the relationship, mostly 50/50, then sometimes 70/30 but never 100/0! You have to be committed to your marriage and to your spouse or you won’t be able to ride out the storm and heal the relationship!

For good communication to start you have to understand that communication skills are not something you are born with. A talker is not necessarily a good communicator anymore than a quieter person is a poor communicator. Communication is a skill that is learned and developed through coaching and practice.

Setting time aside

Start by creating time and a space that is emotionally safe for you and your family and where the two of you can have private time for communication.  Possibly setting up the children in another part of the house where they know and understand that mom and dad are having some private time while they are safely enjoying a recreational activity. If you are feeling emotionally raw it would be prudent to begin by seeing a counsellor before engaging in anymore conflict.

Balance of communication

Balance of communication can be a tricky thing because all to many have inhibitions about how or what they want to say.  Feeling heard is important, if you don’t feel heard or validated first and foremost begin by owning your own emotions and then tell your spouse that you need some reassurance from them based on your own feelings. Tell them in a respectful but clear and assertive manner what it is you desire and need from them in that moment.  Remember no one can read your mind or know your needs in the moment. You can’t blame them for your lack of communication. Plus, you may need to respectfully spell it out to your partner, so they can better understand you and your needs. The partner who is doing the listening, after hearing their partner, should be making clear eye contact and make clear verbal acknowledgement of what they just heard in a positive affirming manner.

Take a step back

Before talking slow down mentally and emotionally and notice what you are feeling, and ask yourself what it is that you are looking for from your spouse.  Ask yourself what is the desired outcome you are looking for?  How can you communicate this?  Notice any fears, inhibitions, performance anxiety, shyness, or timidity that you may be experiencing and while acknowledging that reframe your thinking to look at your goal, your desired outcome of the conversation you wish to engage in.

When we are calmer and less upset and understand that our feelings are our own, we can more clearly think through our struggles.  Again, always ask yourself, “What is it that I want to communicate?”  “What is it I need from my spouse?”  “What do I need to feel validated?”

Love as a feeling and love as a virtue

Love is not only a feeling, but it is also a virtue! Once upon a time our society “loved” based on virtue and family values, they stuck through their marriage though possibly unhappy. Today we have the polar opposite happening. Today we have relationships that are solely based on feelings where virtue is practically all but absent. All too frequently when someone no longer “feels love” they opt out of their relationship with no understanding that love is much more than that. Love is both a virtue and a feeling state. We need love in marriage to be both feelings and virtuous.

Virtue should not just be about tolerance and sweating, struggling, agonizing perseverance in a relationship, it should be much more than that. Virtue is the moral, ethical, mature adult position that one is to take in a relationship. Virtue is the gold standard of love that can move the relationship to the state of feeling love in a marriage again. Virtue is about preserving your investment. Virtue is about fixing the relationship. Virtue is about doing the honourable thing. Virtue is about preserving your marriage for your children’s sake if you have children. Children have a right to a happy healthy home where mom and dad love each other. Virtue is about humbling yourself and becoming a responsible adult that is committed. True virtue is not just about tolerance, because it isn’t passive rather the virtue of love is actively doing something to fix the relationship. Did you know that only about 1-2% of married couples who have troubled marriages pursue counselling? The vast majority quit! Don’t be a quitter! Fight for your marriage, fight for your family and children!

Solutions that are worth it

Professional therapy is a viable solution, yes it costs money but divorce is far more expensive and not just in monetary ways. Divorce is expensive emotionally in that it causes more harm than good! I do realize there are exceptions but 99% of those getting divorced does not represent the exception, it represents a lack of humility, lack of action and a lack of commitment.

For some who are not spiritual or as termed by some, “religious” what I am about to share may be upsetting to you, but sometimes truth can be upsetting so hear me out before you stop reading. In marriage compassion is key. Love is a selfless act that both should be engaged in and dedicated to, after all it takes two to tango as the saying goes. Compassionate understanding should be the underlying motive and attitude which works best when communicating.  To become more compassionate is to become better acquainted with what God has to say about love and relationships.  The God kind of love is a selfless love that sacrifices and sees the best of every person in spite of the strife. I adamantly urge you to regularly read and mediate 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Engage in the practice daily, repetition of love and goodness is the best medicine. This repetitive practice will help keep your mind in a place of compassion and selflessness.  When both of you practice this meditation your marriage will begin to take on a bit of heaven on earth.

Written by James A. Miklos, Ph.D.