Owning your feelings takes commitment and humility. Owning your own feelings is critical to making your marriage a good one. This can be difficult but when done correctly it is actually very liberating. Frequently we can feel that someone else is responsible for how we feel. This belief leads to a loss of personal control and power and leads us to further believing that we are not responsible for our own behaviours. This belief results in a loss of love that would otherwise potentially come your way.

Taking responsibility

For any effective mental health and therapeutic work to succeed taking personal responsibility is necessary but not necessarily very comfortable. Taking responsibility for our feelings, attitudes, and behaviours is key to our spiritual and mental health. Just to be clear, there is no forward motion, no true results, no real healing that comes into our lives without taking personal responsibility.

I wish to further qualify this by saying that there are many individuals who over-blame themselves for everything while others choose to blame everybody else for everything and then again there is a minority that choose to “own their stuff” by taking responsibility for those things that they are personally responsible for. I know this seems like tough medicine, and it sure is, but this is the pathway to personal power and freedom and the possible eventuality of having a good marriage.

Responsibility is ownership

To take responsibility is to be mature, humble and a person who desires truth. To take personal responsibility is to be willing to see your behaviour and attitudes and recognize that they are yours and nobody else’s. It’s my responsibility how I act. The comedian, the late Flip Wilson, popularized the saying, “The devil made me do it!” In that joke we can find what is called a psychological projection, this is where someone else is to blame for ones impulses or qualities that are undesirable or harmful.

Ask yourself, who is it that is experiencing the feeling? I am! Am I responsible for what I am feeling or not? If not, then it wouldn’t matter how I act out then, would it? That is what we would like to believe. When we feel emotionally injured we need to take responsibility for it immediately. Now, I am not inferring that you shouldn’t be feeling the pain or that the reason you are feeling the pain is your fault rather I am saying, what you do with what you are feeling is where personal responsibility comes into play. Think about it this way, I am feeling the feelings the other person is not making me feel though they could be perpetrating it. Sometimes the line of responsibility can seem blurred especially when we are in great emotional pain, but if we can more objectively ask ourselves some questions and observe we can probably come to some better conclusions.

Victim or Victor?

To some degree we all have had a victim mentality at some point in time, while there are those of us who still carry that around in our injured soul. Staying stuck in this can have us believing such negative beliefs as, “I always get the short end of the stick.” “I am always in trouble or to blame.” “Bad things always come my way.” “I always get stuck with …” “My spouse is always hurting me.” “There is no point in trying.” “If I don’t do it nobody else will.” “I’m the one that has to carry the load around here.” These and other such statements indicate a victim mentality which keeps us stuck in a belief of powerlessness and in the emotion of self-pity.

Using self-pity or the victim mentality creates for us a sub-standard quality of life. If you are stuck in a victim mentality or self-pity don’t deny it or blame and shame yourself simply recognize it, own it and realize that you need some good qualified help. We all need help from time to time in our lives because some tasks, including our own soul, needs help from qualified others to get unstuck, healed, and move forward.

Staying stuck is a choice. We can choose freedom but you should know that this will take effort on your part. Approximately 3,300 years ago we see ancient Israel in slavery under Pharaoh where the people wanted to be free from the oppression of slavery but when they became liberated they then had to think, live and believe differently. This involved making difficult choices and doing difficult tasks and having hurdles to overcome. Even though Moses did much of the intervention with God’s help there was still a lot of struggle and a lot of work for the newly liberated nation. Having freedom takes bravery and determination working with someone qualified that can help you to finally experience the freedom that all people are supposed enjoy.

Why does my partner drive me crazy?

Marriage is the one relationship that can be the most rewarding, the most intimate of any other relationship but it is also the most emotional relationship you will ever have. If you are reading this you probably have experienced what it is like for your partner to “push the buttons”. This experience is the result of two people who usually are acting out of hurt feelings and therefore one or the other party is punishing their partner in return by their own reactional behaviour.

Sometimes you may experience your partner pushing your buttons and in turn you are being triggered emotionally, but they may not be doing it intentionally rather your negative experience is the result of some pain or painful events in the past that have not been processed by your brain as yet.

Think about a drinking glass. You and I are like that drinking glass and what is in that glass are all of our life’s experiences from the past and if filled with negative things then when current negative things happen our glass gets too full or starts to spill over resulting in feelings like you are going crazy from the emotional pain. If you don’t take ownership of this then the result will be a sense of powerlessness, a victim mentality, and self-sabotage of your most intimate relationship.

Conclusion

“Owning my own feelings” means that you refuse to be a victim anymore, you choose to get the help you need to begin your healing process and begin to communicate with your partner in a more meaningful and healing like manner resulting in a better marriage relationship which will bring you closer and closer to the loving relationship you have wanted.

Be sure to read this entire series (click on words below):

Part 1: Commitment

Part 2: Humility

Disclaimer:  This article is not meant to diagnose, treat nor is it any kind of conclusive evidence, this article is simply the opinion of the author.  This article is meant for personal reflection and inspiration only.

Sources:

Psychological Projection:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=exodus+1&version=KJV

Humility? You may be wondering what that has to do with marriage. Without humility there can not be true love in a marriage neither can you ever effectively communicate with one another. Nobody is born humble. Humility is choice, a choice that is made whenever an attitude within yourself or your partner arises. Humility makes a person lovable and attractive.

What is humility?

Humility has often been framed in a spiritual or religious framework which has its merits. That being said, humility is not just a cognitive process but is also a heart (core belief) motivated action.

Webster’s 1828 online dictionary gives one definition of humble as: Lowly; modest; meek; submissive; opposed to proud, haughty, arrogant or assuming.

Chambers English Dictionary, 1988 edition defines humility as, the state or quality of being humble: lowliness of mind: modesty and further defines humble as, low: lowly: modest: unpretentious: having a low opinion of oneself.

Just to clarity the word humility refers to a quality where the word humble refers to the one having and acting in humility.

What can humility in a marriage look like? It would mean to defer to your partner rather than putting yourself, your opinions, and your needs first. Humility has confidence in ones self because a humble person is a person of confidence and is not easily threatened. Humility is a choice where a person puts themselves into a loving submissive position to put your partner’s needs first and thinking about them before yourself. Acknowledging you’re not always right is key to being humble and is a key to making marriage work. The humble also acknowledge that they are not always right and is not seeking to draw attention to themselves.

Humility in marriage

I could use many examples of what it could look like and what it definitely does not look like, but this would probably have to be a book. Here are some key attributes of what humility can look like in marriage.

Empathic non-judgmental listening

Take time to listen to your spouse without any inner or outer judgment, criticism, or the formulation of your argument as to how you disagree with them. Remember humility is not seeking to defend itself and prove the other person wrong. Humility involves compassion where you are seeking to understand what your partner is feeling, thinking, and experiencing and how you can help them to feel validated and loved

Expressions of gratitude

Always express gratitude to your spouse for numerous things. On a daily basis I express, with the words of my mouth, my gratitude to my wife for who she is and what she does and has done. I express gratitude for all the love she has shown me throughout the years of our relationship.
Received constructive criticism. Regularly seek feedback from your spouse. In my marriage I regularly ask my wife for feedback on my behaviour, the meeting of her needs, and life choices. I have nothing to lose because I am confident in myself feeling secure. My wife also is not a critical person but is very respectful of me and how she talks to me. Remember, both people in a marriage need to practice humility. Allow honest correction to be given. This leads me to my next point.

Personal growth

Remain in a state of constant growth. When we become adults we all too often feel there is no more personal improvement needed. Personal improvement, learning, growth require humility but also produce for us a better life and a better self. No one is perfect so why act like you are and believe that it’s your spouse that needs to do the changing? Be teachable and you will be astounded in your personal growth.
Seek help. Asking for help. Humility is not threatened by the lack of knowledge but asks for help. Asking for help is part of humility. Sometimes we may feel “dum” to ask a question or get help, but I have learned that you cannot succeed at anything especially marriage when you don’t ask for help. Guys! We are not supermen, we are men who choose to be big enough to ask for help. Women love humble men and humble does not mean weak but rather it represents care.

Be respectful

Be respectful. Use kind language. Being humble is being kind. Humility speaks with clarity, assertiveness, truth, and kindness along with respect. Humility is a choice and you can choose to be respectful without trying to justify your own bad behaviour.

Love, acceptance, and forgiveness

Accepting of yourself and your partner. Love, acceptance and forgiveness are the three needed to demonstrate humility. We need to have these 3 for ourselves as well as for your spouse. Without these three your marriage will fail.

Deferring to your partner

Deference is a word not used nearly as much as it needs to be used. Because, marriage is an emotional relationship humility expressed as deference is essential because if both do not practice deference then resentment and hatred can become the emotional mainstay resulting in a lousy marriage or divorce. Deference is an inner choice where we take a step back inwardly, where we choose to hold our tongue and listen. Outwardly this could look like an invitation to talk, allowing your partner to have their say while inwardly we are trying to understand where they are coming from. Deference will more than likely prevent unhealthy conflict in marriage.

Conclusion

Without humility marriage will probably fail. It takes humility to heal a marriage and keep a marriage. Nobody likes a know-it-all, someone who feels they are almost always right about things. Remember we are not that good and neither are we mostly right and our partner is mostly wrong. If you can’t get over yourself you can’t heal your marriage. Humility is the conduit for healing and keeping a marriage healthy. Nobody is born humble, humility is a choice and more than likely a choice that needs to be made several times in a day. Practice humility and you will have more love, more favour and more of good things in your life and marriage.

In my next article I will be looking at the next key – Owning Your Feelings.

Suggested reading:

If you haven’t read my previous article, Making Marriage Work Part 1: Commitment click here to read.

Learning How To Communicate And How Not to Botch It Up!   click here to read

Disclaimer:  This article is not meant to diagnose, treat nor is it any kind of conclusive evidence, this article is simply the opinion of the author.  This article is meant for personal reflection and inspiration only.

Sources:

Humble: http://webstersdictionary1828.com/Dictionary/humble

https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ps/humility.html

Another reason people “fall out of love” is because of their attachment style.  This is not the same as personality type or style but rather the healthy versus the unhealthy.  There is a new resurgence with new and updated research on “attachment”, but the main emphasis today is on attachment style in adulthood and how it impacts the relationships we have.

Simple definition of attachment in psychology

A simple definition of attachment can be defined as the manner and depth of emotional bond that a person can create or have with another individual.  The depth of attachment is dependent on the ability for a person to pursue closeness and the level in which a person feels secure when in the presence of the person to which they are forming a bond.  The theory of Attachment explains how a parent-child relationship is formed and influenced resulting in a particular attachment style in future relationships.

In a secure attachment style, healthiest one, a deep and enduring emotional bond is formed between two people in which each seeks closeness and feels more secure when in the presence of the attachment figure.

Why is this important to me?

The reason this is important because it reveals our level of emotional stability and resilience when it comes to having a healthy enduring relationship.  Our bonding ability is closely tied to how our primary care givers ability to be emotionally present with us in childhood as well as the kind of emotional support that we received.  The quality of our childhood and our parental emotional presence has significantly impacted our lives especially when it comes to close and intimate relationships.  We all want stability, dependability, and predictability in our relationships, but are we our own worst enemy?

The need for stability and predictability

Stability and predictability in a relationship is dependent on a few key factors:  the quality of attachment that was formed in our childhood, the quality of our moral values, and understanding the true nature and qualities of love itself.  Without these three we will probably not have long lasting secure relationships that are supportive and stable.  

Taking responsibility 

Be aware that we all need to own our choices, emotions, and style of bonding we have.  It’s not about blame rather about accepting our own flawed style of attachment.  All too often people will go from one extreme to another, from blaming their spouse, to blaming their parents or teacher, or blaming themselves.  Taking ownership is not about blame rather about personal recognition that we are the ones who are acting out and feeling what we are feeling.  It is essential though emotionally painful to come to the place of recognizing that we have faults that we didn’t recognize and failed to see about ourselves.  How easy it is to blame others around us rather than to take responsibility for our own feelings, thoughts and outward behaviours.  If we choose the path of humility then we will want to better ourselves rather than focusing on everyone else’s behaviour towards us.  Painful as it is it is rewarding to be free from the pain of our past, to give up all hope for a better past, to no longer feel the victim, or feel that you are treated unfairly.  Freedom from these tormenting emotions are the reward.

Remember owning your own emotions is critical to the path of peace.  If we choose this road less travelled we will experience the pain of guilt and/or shame.  The good news is that we needed to see this about ourselves so that we can do something about it.  Trying to fix your partner is is a futile endeavour.  Each person in the relationship needs to take responsibility for themselves and remember don’t police your partner.

You can have long lasting love

A person with a secure attachment style is a person who will stay in love and experience long lasting love especially when they have married to a person who also has a secure attachment style.  You may be asking about now, “Who then has this secure attachment style?”  We either develop a secure attachment style in childhood because our parents were able to provide that for us or we can develop a secure attachment style through counselling and therapeutic help.

Staying in love rather than falling out of love has a lot to do with attachment, the quality of our moral values, and understanding the true nature and qualities of love which feeds the feelings of love for your spouse.

Sources:

1.  McLeod, S. A. (2017, Febuary 05). Attachment theory. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.htm

2.  Vinney, Cynthia. “Adult Attachment Styles: Definitions and Impact on Relationships.” ThoughtCo, Aug. 28, 2020, thoughtco.com/adult-attachment-styles-4774974.

Falling in love is such a beautiful thing.  The Hallmark channel and other romantic venues make this their primary focus offering the possibility of a ‘happily ever after’.  Humans have been enraptured with the idea of love ever since their beginning.  The idea of falling in love for most people is understood only as a feeling therefore leaving many without a clear understanding of love.  We as humans need love, want love and pursue love.  Love is one of those words or concepts that is often misunderstood and therefore can leave a trail of broken and bleeding hearts.

All too often I have heard people tell me when they come for marital counselling that their previous relationships that fell apart often involve the words we fell out of love with each other.  This makes it sound like just a happen stance thing with no rhyme nor reason, as though all by chance or simply a thing that is biological in nature.

Ignorance is a destroyer and in this case it destroys relationships, it destroys marriages.  When I dig deeper and help people to better understand love and how it works sharing with them the “secrets” of making love work, then it makes sense and the results speak for itself.  First let’s understand the mechanics love or at least the bare bones of it.

Understanding Love

In our English language we use the word love for various things that we enjoy, have an affection for or a devotion towards.  We can love bananas, love a dog or cat, love our child, love a job, and love your husband/wife.  Love is a word that has numerous different meanings.  In some other languages love does not have only one word but a number of words to define or better describe a particular kind of love.  The Greek language is one such language which essentially has four words for love: agape, phileo, storge, and eros.  These words help to differentiate what kind of love is being expressed when they desire to communicate an affection or affinity towards their object of choice.  Understanding what love is more specifically will help those in a marriage relationship to be more purposed in making love work.  

Agape Love

This word began to emerge in some of the works of Plato approximately 500 years before Christ.  It wasn’t until the time of the writing of the Septuagint and the New Testament of the Bible did this word take on a more distinct meaning that includes not only a devotional type of love but an unconditional, self-sacrificing love to be given to both foe and friend.  This is a virtuous love though can involve deep devotion involving a non-sexual passion.  This love can also be described as an unconditional love, which is divine in nature.

Phileo Love

Also known as philia is a love that denotes brotherly or sisterly love.  It is a mutual friendship type of affection or love.  It is known to be dispassionate in nature and virtuous which can exist between family, friends, and even spouses.  It is a love that is mutually beneficial and can be understood as you scratch my back I scratch yours.   This kind of love we see in other English words such as philanthropy, philology, philoprogenitive, and other words that include “philo” which denotes a liking for a specific thing. Unlike agape this love has conditions because it requires mutual benefit.

Storge Love

This word is used specifically to express non-sexual physical affection that is generally expressed in family and friendship relationships.  Such examples would be the physical care and affection that parents give to their children.  Another example would by giving someone a hug as in a friendship or cultural greeting.

Eros Love

Eros kind of love is passionate and sexual in nature.  It involves a longing, sexual desire, in modern Greek it denotes romantic love.  In ancient Greek it denotes an expression of courting and love in marriage.  Plato used this love to express an appreciation for beauty.  This word we can see used in our English language as in erotic love.  When people refer to falling in love or falling out of love this word would best describe the meaning of those statements.  

Conclusion

When we fall in love or fall out of love our feelings and passions have shifted.  This happens for one or more of these three reasons:

1. All romantic, sexually passionate feelings in a committed marital relationship begin to diminish somewhere between two weeks to two years according to Dr. Patricia Love and Jo Robinson.  This is largely due to the mind and body normalizing itself thereby lowering those hormonal levels.
2. The reason that passion existed either no longer exists or has severely diminished because of the lack of meeting each others emotional needs. 
3. Bad habits that have been repeatedly demonstrated towards your partner in the relationship.  Such bad habits can be understood as love thieves that are a result of selfishness, ignorance, lack of self-control, and/or unresolved past emotional issues in ones life.

To fall in love again is possible and does take effort and often professional help.  In my next article I will discuss how love in marriage works. 

Sources:

1.  Agape. (2019, February 7). New World Encyclopedia, . Retrieved 21:00, December 11, 2019 from //www.newworldencyclopedia.org/p/index.php?title=Agape&oldid=1017946.

2.  Love, Patricia and Robinson, Jo, Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate, Intimate Lovemaking, CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform, 2012.

Women need to feel from their husband a gentle feeling of fondness; affection if you will.  They crave gentleness, tenderness, warmth, devotion, endearment, where they feel cared for.

Affection can be expressed in numerous ways.  Some of these ways can include: physical, non-sexual affection like hugs, kisses, holding of the hands, a gentle touch as you are near her.  Other ways can include a gentle tone of voice, words that create in her a sense of endearment.  Gifts given and helping out can express this as well but in a more limited sense when it comes to affection.  Affection needs to be intimate and emotionally connecting, meaning, it needs to be from sincerity of the heart.  (Find out more how you can have the marriage you dreamed of).

I have found that women generally desire and appreciate affection in one of three ways:

1. Physical non-sexual touch
2. Verbal words of love and affirmation
3. Both of the above

Physical Touch

Few key points will help you to understand what your partner needs and how to meet it.  Some men have reported to me that their wife doesn’t respond well to non-sexual touch, there are numerous reasons for this.  A few of these reasons can be that your timing is off, for example she is in the kitchen getting supper ready and you approach her from behind and want to express affection to her but she rejects you or ignores you, your timing needs to improve as well as your communication.  Remember just because you want it doesn’t mean that your partner does at that moment.  Communication such as asking her before you touch, waiting for the right moment when she’s done her task then approach her.  Remember women do not like it when men just want sex or are emotionally needy and that’s why they are touching them.

Intimate touch can also include things like direct eye contact with a look of love.  A loving gaze into each others eyes is important, even a loving playful wink, or blowing of a kiss.

physical affection can also include:

• kissing
• nibbling on your partner’s ear
• playing footsies
• briefly rubbing your partner’s back
• holding hands
• sitting close to each other where you are making physical contact with each other
• cuddling
• hugging
• ticking your spouse’s arm
• walking with each other’s arms around each other’s waist

Physical closeness and healthy touches of endearment are crucial to igniting love in your marriage and definitely in your wife.

Words of Affection

Words of affection involve predominantly two areas of expression.

1.   Praise – Words of praise involve the expression of gratitude and affection concerning things that she does.  Things like, “You are an amazing cook!”  “You always dress nice.”  “You are always so good at organizing.”  “You are a good mother to my children.”  The list goes on and on, but the key point here is that these words of expression are directed towards telling her all the amazing things she does.

2.   Adoration – Words of adoration involve expressions of love for who she is rather than what she has done.  Such words can be, “I love your blue eyes.”  “You are so beautiful.”  “I love your cute smile.”  “The way you walk is so elegant.”  “You are brilliant.”  There are numerous choices of such expressions you can say to her.  Words of adoration are important because each woman wants to feel that she is the centre of your universe.

Conclusion

Just like sexual intimacy is a man’s number one need so is affection for women.  Without affection a woman will not respond well and her number one need won’t be met.  Yes, there are other key factors to meeting your wife’s needs but his one is number one.  Often men need to be coached along these lines which then helps them to succeed and end up with a marriage that is filled with passionate love.

For more on Marriage Counselling click here

Written by: James A. Miklos, M.C.C., R.P. -   James has been counselling,  and providing psychotherapy for over 30 years, is a public speaker and writer.

© 2025 James A. Miklos. All rights reserved.  To copy or quote any of this material this entire citation and credit must be posted.