Owning your feelings takes commitment and humility. Owning your own feelings is critical to making your marriage a good one. This can be difficult but when done correctly it is actually very liberating. Frequently we can feel that someone else is responsible for how we feel. This belief leads to a loss of personal control and power and leads us to further believing that we are not responsible for our own behaviours. This belief results in a loss of love that would otherwise potentially come your way.

Taking responsibility

For any effective mental health and therapeutic work to succeed taking personal responsibility is necessary but not necessarily very comfortable. Taking responsibility for our feelings, attitudes, and behaviours is key to our spiritual and mental health. Just to be clear, there is no forward motion, no true results, no real healing that comes into our lives without taking personal responsibility.

I wish to further qualify this by saying that there are many individuals who over-blame themselves for everything while others choose to blame everybody else for everything and then again there is a minority that choose to “own their stuff” by taking responsibility for those things that they are personally responsible for. I know this seems like tough medicine, and it sure is, but this is the pathway to personal power and freedom and the possible eventuality of having a good marriage.

Responsibility is ownership

To take responsibility is to be mature, humble and a person who desires truth. To take personal responsibility is to be willing to see your behaviour and attitudes and recognize that they are yours and nobody else’s. It’s my responsibility how I act. The comedian, the late Flip Wilson, popularized the saying, “The devil made me do it!” In that joke we can find what is called a psychological projection, this is where someone else is to blame for ones impulses or qualities that are undesirable or harmful.

Ask yourself, who is it that is experiencing the feeling? I am! Am I responsible for what I am feeling or not? If not, then it wouldn’t matter how I act out then, would it? That is what we would like to believe. When we feel emotionally injured we need to take responsibility for it immediately. Now, I am not inferring that you shouldn’t be feeling the pain or that the reason you are feeling the pain is your fault rather I am saying, what you do with what you are feeling is where personal responsibility comes into play. Think about it this way, I am feeling the feelings the other person is not making me feel though they could be perpetrating it. Sometimes the line of responsibility can seem blurred especially when we are in great emotional pain, but if we can more objectively ask ourselves some questions and observe we can probably come to some better conclusions.

Victim or Victor?

To some degree we all have had a victim mentality at some point in time, while there are those of us who still carry that around in our injured soul. Staying stuck in this can have us believing such negative beliefs as, “I always get the short end of the stick.” “I am always in trouble or to blame.” “Bad things always come my way.” “I always get stuck with …” “My spouse is always hurting me.” “There is no point in trying.” “If I don’t do it nobody else will.” “I’m the one that has to carry the load around here.” These and other such statements indicate a victim mentality which keeps us stuck in a belief of powerlessness and in the emotion of self-pity.

Using self-pity or the victim mentality creates for us a sub-standard quality of life. If you are stuck in a victim mentality or self-pity don’t deny it or blame and shame yourself simply recognize it, own it and realize that you need some good qualified help. We all need help from time to time in our lives because some tasks, including our own soul, needs help from qualified others to get unstuck, healed, and move forward.

Staying stuck is a choice. We can choose freedom but you should know that this will take effort on your part. Approximately 3,300 years ago we see ancient Israel in slavery under Pharaoh where the people wanted to be free from the oppression of slavery but when they became liberated they then had to think, live and believe differently. This involved making difficult choices and doing difficult tasks and having hurdles to overcome. Even though Moses did much of the intervention with God’s help there was still a lot of struggle and a lot of work for the newly liberated nation. Having freedom takes bravery and determination working with someone qualified that can help you to finally experience the freedom that all people are supposed enjoy.

Why does my partner drive me crazy?

Marriage is the one relationship that can be the most rewarding, the most intimate of any other relationship but it is also the most emotional relationship you will ever have. If you are reading this you probably have experienced what it is like for your partner to “push the buttons”. This experience is the result of two people who usually are acting out of hurt feelings and therefore one or the other party is punishing their partner in return by their own reactional behaviour.

Sometimes you may experience your partner pushing your buttons and in turn you are being triggered emotionally, but they may not be doing it intentionally rather your negative experience is the result of some pain or painful events in the past that have not been processed by your brain as yet.

Think about a drinking glass. You and I are like that drinking glass and what is in that glass are all of our life’s experiences from the past and if filled with negative things then when current negative things happen our glass gets too full or starts to spill over resulting in feelings like you are going crazy from the emotional pain. If you don’t take ownership of this then the result will be a sense of powerlessness, a victim mentality, and self-sabotage of your most intimate relationship.

Conclusion

“Owning my own feelings” means that you refuse to be a victim anymore, you choose to get the help you need to begin your healing process and begin to communicate with your partner in a more meaningful and healing like manner resulting in a better marriage relationship which will bring you closer and closer to the loving relationship you have wanted.

Be sure to read this entire series (click on words below):

Part 1: Commitment

Part 2: Humility

Disclaimer:  This article is not meant to diagnose, treat nor is it any kind of conclusive evidence, this article is simply the opinion of the author.  This article is meant for personal reflection and inspiration only.

Sources:

Psychological Projection:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=exodus+1&version=KJV

When we hear the phrase “love in marriage” it can stir up a desire to be married or stir up feelings of hurt and disappointment from a failed marriage or relationship.  We have all looked at the ideal side of love – the passionate feelings of love.  We all want to feel loved!  In almost three decades of counselling couples I have come to the conclusion that our society does not understand the nature of love and how to make it work, which has left many people disappointed about marriage and a happily ever-after.  This is primarily due to a fundamental ignorance of what love is and what it is not.

Passion takes work!  I know you didn’t want to hear that.  In my previous article, Falling Out Of Love – Part 1: Defining Love, I touched on the subject of hormonal highs and what that realistically looks like in a marriage.  We all want the magic!  We all want the fireworks!  The can’t eat, can’t sleep, hit the ball out of the park, kind of love.  Or, is this really love?  We love the hormonal high.  We as humans are pleasure seeking creatures but if that is what we are going to primarily chase in life we will find ourselves in a mental, emotional, physical, and even financial mess at some point unless there is a healthy respect and understanding of what love is.

As previously stated in my last article, I described how love in marriage can be understood as having two sides, the virtuous side and the emotional side.  Understanding the differences between the two and how they work together will give us the outcome that we are looking for, that is, passion in marriage.

It’s important to remember that marriage is an emotional relationship by nature and it can be destroyed through a lack of knowledge and poor choices.

Virtuous side of love

Love is rarely discussed or understood as having a virtuous side to it.  People have a tendency to only view love as as emotional, ie. romantic.  There is a whole day in February given to celebrate the romance of love, St. Valentine’s Day, but what about the virtue of love?

Virtue can be defined as an inner conviction of high moral values where fidelity, integrity, preference and consideration of others takes precedence over baser self-centred desires that are ultimately short-sighted.  In the long run virtuous love will insure that your own needs are met as you met the needs of your spouse.

You may ask, “How will this help me to get the love in my marriage that I need?  When do my needs get met?”  Good question!  Virtue helps us to be more objective in the consideration of the other person’s needs, possibly above our own needs.  If both husband and wife can yield to this inner God-given virtuous love then meeting each others emotional needs will become easier and easier.  

Virtuous love involves humility, compassion, commitment (integrity) and ownership of one’s own feelings and behaviours.  Without the understanding of these virtues, or the understanding of true love then only lust will exist which will lead a person to a place of dissatisfaction, anger, and rejection, casting away that which has true lasting value.

Relationships that fail are the result of selfishness and lust in the heart of one or more of the individuals in the marriage.  It takes courage, integrity of heart and commitment to see a rocky marriage through the rough terrain until the feelings of love are restored.

Remember virtuous love will be focused on meeting your spouse’s emotional needs first and foremost.  When both are committed to virtuous love then the inevitable outcome will be passionate emotional love.  If there is a failure of passionate emotional love then virtuous love has failed to be fully exercised and feelings have become the overbearing taskmaster in your life.  

“It takes two to tango”.   Both parties have to be involved in this process of love with a firm commitment.  Feelings of love do not change overnight, especially if there has been a lot of neglect, hurt, and time that has passed.  Be patient, consistent in love and committed to each other and then you will see results. 

Emotional side of love

The emotional side of love in a marriage is a must since marriage is an emotional relationship. When emotional needs have not been met and love destroying habits have existed, what once was ‘love’ can turn to ‘hate’.  To keep passionate love as a dominant feeling each person needs to meet their spouse’s emotional needs and eliminate love-destroying behaviour.  These needs have been discovered, defined, and detailed in numerous works.  My favourite works of Dr. Willard Harley in the writing of His Needs Her Needs and in Love Busters.  

Meeting each others emotional needs takes virtuous love.  Too often couples believe that they are meant for or not meant for each other based on how the other person “makes them feel”.   In fact feelings can be easily triggered positively or negatively for a variety of reasons and without committing to personally working on your own issues, you probably will end up blaming your partner and giving up on your relationship with them.  

Emotional passion in marriage takes work!  I know you don’t want to believe that because of what you are feeling.  Feelings do try to tell us things but all too often the interpretation of those feelings are deceiving as they lead us to false conclusions which can lead to a trail of broken relationships and disillusionment where marriage is concerned.  

First, you have to own your feelings.  This means you have to realize that your partner is not responsible for how you feel, you are!  They are your feelings whether or not you like them.  Feelings are the result of emotions in your body which you alone experience based on your life’s experiences, and even from your parents starting from in utero on up through your developmental years (0-18 years).  I realize that you may not agree, but more accurately you probably don’t like what you just read because you can no longer play the victim by making your partner responsible for what you feel, ouch!

Yes, I realize that there are abusive and neglectful individuals out there but you have the power of choice.  Unless you are in a pre-arranged marriage you made that choice.  Another important note on abuse, if you feel that your partner is abusive are they truly so or is that your own perception based on your past trauma?  Take the Abuse Test.

Let’s continue on the premise that you were “in love” and now you have “fallen out of love” and you want to gain the feelings of love back in your relationship, after all, this article was written for those couples who want their relationship to work!

In Conclusion

In conclusion, love is more than just a feeling.  Love first must be a virtue or it is simply a hormonal, sexual response that is born from the baser lust within us.  Love must be first virtuous which then by its very nature leads to meeting your spouse’s emotional needs which then creates the feelings of passionate love for one another.  

Be committed to one another, be committed to being a virtuous person, be committed to owning your feelings, be committed to meeting your partner’s emotional needs and be committed to the therapeutic process that can help you to reach the desired goal of restored passionate love in marriage!

The Heart Math Institute out of California has developed a scientifically sound method of calming your nervous system through what is called heart focused breathing.  Heart focused breathing involves the focus of the mind while breathing, more specifically it involves heart focus and heart breathing.

Your heart obviously is not doing the breathing your lungs are but the mental focus is on your heart, let me explain a little more.  This psychophysiological coherence is about creating a rhythmic coherence between the heart and the brain which allows many wonderful outcomes such as a sense of wellness, calmness, better connection to other people, better problem solving abilities, and physiologically speaking it helps to lower blood pressure and reduce physical stress.

1. Heart Focus – this involves bringing your attention to the area of your heart, about the middle of your chest.  Begin breathing a little deeper and smoothly where you breathe only through your nostrils for a 5 second count inhaling and 5 second count exhaling.  If it helps you to focus better place your hand over your heart as you breathe.
2. Heart Breathing – this part involves your imagination where you imagine yourself breathing through your heart.  Imagine yourself breathing slowly and rhythmically breathing in through your heart and out through your heart.

We understand that when we practice something we get better at it.  If we consistently go to the gym we gain momentum and our strength and fitness increases.  By practicing Heart Coherence breathing at least twice a day for a minimum of at least 5 minutes per session you will begin to see over time that your ability to manage emotions will improve giving you greater resilience.  Plus, by doing this breathing you will help your body to be healthier.

The Heart Math Institute (heartmath.org) has done numerous studies that shows that the heart itself emits an electromagnetic field around it that can extend to approximately 6 feet out from a person.  This electromagnetic field tells us a few things, but in particular that it helps us to stay physically and mentally healthy if we keep it strong.

The only two organs in the body that have the greatest nervous system connection is the brain and the heart.  The heart also contains brain cells and synapsis, this tells us that the heart indeed holds memory.  Therefore, the following phrases actually contain truth because our heart can have clear communication with our brain being in sync (coherence), and our heart and brain can have chaotic communication as well.  Here are some of these sayings:

• I have a broken heart
• From the bottom of my heart
• Have a heart
• To have a heart of gold
• To lose heart
• To have a heavy heart
• Light hearted
• To wear your heart on your sleeves 

Heart-focused breathing isn’t time consuming nor laborious rather it is refreshing, it helps reset your mind and mood besides adding other benefits besides.  Begin and end your day with heart coherence breathing.  

HeartMath has various tools and devices to help you these you can purchase through New Hope Counselling Centre.  These tools are beneficial as they give you guidance, give you feedback, give you resources, record keeping, and as I say keeps you honest.  This is an essential tool for mental health.

What does emotional regulation look like?

A person who is emotionally well regulated is a person who has a secure attachment or at least worked on themselves until they have developed one.  An emotionally regulated person is a person who has the ability to adapt to stressful situations and crises.  Emotionally resilient people can roll with the punches, go with the flow, they are flexible and able to problem solve and yet not become overly stressed when difficult situations arise.  Others may refer to emotionally resilient people as being able think on their feet. These types of people can adapt to adversity without lasting or developing emotional difficulties.  From the opposite point of view a person who does not have good emotional regulating skills can be said to be less resilient, they have difficulty with stress and life changes whether minor or major.  The less emotionally resilient appear to get stuck emotionally and remain in a state of perpetual emotional distress, possibly feeling like, “I can never get over this.”

To become good at anything we need to practice it properly and the more we do it the better we get at it.  Everything in us or about us strengthens whether good or bad if we continue practicing it.  Going to the gym and exercising correctly has great benefits, practicing regularly under the tutelage of a piano teacher can make a person a good piano player.  

There are numerous practices that can be implemented to help with emotional regulation.  Some of these practices can include:

• Meditation
• Heart Coherence breathing
• Gratitude
• Positive self-talk
• Mindfulness on the good things in your life
• Grounding exercises
• Social engagement with supportive healthier people

Nobody likes upsetting feelings, but that being said, if we push emotions away they stay.  When we are phobic towards our own feelings and emotions we want to push them away but that never resolves anything other than prolongs your emotional healing.  To resolve your feelings we need to embrace them in a very precise manner much like in the therapeutic technique called Fraser’s Dissociative Table Technique as well as other types of therapeutic interventions.

According to some ego state theories a person who is not DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), used to be known as MPD or Multiple Personality Disorder, has one ‘Adult’ self and usually has a number of ‘Emotional Parts’ known in short as an EP(s).  The EPs are those aspects of ourselves that have been fragmented (due to trauma) and are causing us ongoing emotional issues where we may have an altered state, confusion, self-sabotaging issues, self-harm issues, depression, anxieties, panic attacks, etc.  These parts of ourselves need support but our Adult self may have a wall up because it has a phobic response to those EPs and the result is upsetting even distressing feelings over and beyond what the current circumstance warrants.  This is where the work must begin to help resolve these ongoing feelings that you don’t like.  There is no quick fix, but the good news we can be fixed with a good knowledgeable therapist that can help you work through these feelings and even your past traumatic events.

Your social circle determines your quality of emotional health

I had a client tell me, “I don’t understand why I keep picking the wrong person?”  I asked them where they were going to find a potential mate and they told me it was at a bar.  My reply was, “If you want to catch salmon you have to go to particular places of fishing where they live and move.  If you keep catching carp that is because you keep going back to that kind of habitat where carp live and breed.”  Social circles are important, if you want to be inspired, challenged to change then upgrade your social circle.  

Your choice of teachers determines your quality of feelings 

Who teaches us is important because we learn only to the level of our teacher.  In the Bible Jesus said, “The student is not above their teacher.”  We need teacher, mentors, mothers/fathers to help us become the best we can be including how to better emotionally regulate.  Who do you look up to the most?  If it’s yourself than that is a big part of your problem.  All too many people believe that once they grow up they have arrived.  Where did we learn that from?  We learned that from our family and our friends.  One of the most stunting things we can do is for us to qualify ourselves as the mentor of our own lives.  I hard one person say they learned all their stuff from the internet and watching documentaries, that might be okay to some degree but I have seen too many people who have become mislead or confused by this method of self-mentorship.  Being fearful and ignorant leads us to the place where we become our own coach, mentor, and teacher, by doing so we will forever be learning but never really changing in an objective way.

I heard a well known financial teacher once say, “I surround myself with people that are smarter than I am so that I can succeed.”  I have also heard it said, “I am not my own accountant because I will lie to myself.”  Having a quality mentor or mental health professional and life coach will keep us honest about ourselves whether or not we can see it or like it.  Feelings change when we change.

• EMDR
• EMOTIONAL FREEDOM TECHNIQUES
• HOMEOPATHY
• LIFE COACHING
• PYSCHOSOMATIC ENERGETICS
• FRASER’S DISSOCIATIVE TABLE TECHNIQUE
• PSYCHODYNAMIC THERAPY

Changing how you feel is important because that is how you are energized, motivated, and the quality of life you live in.  Start taking some good healthy steps today.  Book your appointment today and get started on your healing journey!

Changing your feelings are a very real possibility but it does take three things to change your feelings, 1. Educating yourself about feelings, cognition, adverse life experiences, and obtaining tools you need to move forward.  2. Change in your habits.  3.  Professional counselling, coaching, and just some honest to goodness therapy.

1. Become informed

Educating yourself to better understand yourself is primary because not knowing why you feel the way you feel and what to do about it can be a frightening thing.  Knowledge is powerful because it can help disarm the fear of the unknown and help you to do something about what you are feeling.  You can educate yourself through reading some good materials that you can get from the library, online, bookstores, courses, or even through a professional therapist.

2. Form new habits

To feel better we have to change our habits.  It is quite obvious that we have physical habits like brushing your teeth, eating habits, even bad habits like negative talk.  Habits are formed from observation, inundation, and self-discipline.  In order for new habits to form we need to first be in the know as mentioned above, educate yourself.  New habits can only be formed when we can recognize that the habits we now have are harmful and detracting from our life.  From there we need someone other than ourselves to show us how and what we should stop doing and start doing.  For example almost anyone can swing a golf club, but if you don’t have proper form than you will never become a good golfer.  Practicing the wrong thing even though you might think it is the right thing still produces frustration.  A professional coach will demonstrate and instruct the right way of golfing but will also observe how you stand, your physical posture, position of hands and feet, the way you swing, and so much more.  So it is in real life we all need someone who can observe us in a critical way that is helpful.  Yes, critical.  There is so much today on “No Judgement”, that we have lost context of that meaning.  Judgement can be both good and bad.  Bad judgement is when a person is put down or damned to a place of impossibility where insults reside, but good judgement is where compassion and truth can preside which corrects a person’s habits and behaviours so that the person can excel in life and in this case our feelings.

Habits are both external and internal, actually all external habits are a result of internal habits of thoughts and feelings.  Some things we can outright stop while other things we need to start doing a new thing in order to stop doing an old things.  For example try and count from 1 to 100 in your mind while verbally out loud say the alphabet, the result will be that you will stop counting because you have verbally engaged in saying something different than what you are thinking.  Yes you change what you are feeling by changing your focus, your imaginations, thoughts, and what you are saying.  Often this takes help from others as well as some self-disciplines put into place.

3. Professional counselling

Professional and qualified assistance and help is important to our wellbeing.  As mentioned earlier to be a better golfer you need a coach who can help you to achieve that.  Why do we have someone else cut and style our hair?  Usually it is because they can see better how to cut and treat our hair.  Why do we hire professional services such as mechanics, plumbers, electricians, physical trainers, dieticians, physicians, s, etc.?  We do so because each person has been divinely gifted and professional trained and educated to perform their “art” to better our lives in some manner.  Why would we not get the help we need for our emotional and mental wellbeing?  After all isn’t the proverb true that says, “As a person thinks in their heart so is he/she?”  Our quality of life come first and foremost from within what we experience externally in adulthood is often the result of core beliefs and a challenging EQ (Emotional Quotient).  A mental health therapist, , psychiatrist, psychotherapist, counsellor, and Social Worker are qualified to aid people in this area of mental and emotional health.

At New Hope Counselling Centre we can help you to form new habits, overcome old ones, and change your overall mood.  We can help.  Call us today!

Serving Burlington, Hamilton, Oakville, Milton, Mississauga, St. Catharines and surrounding areas.

Why Am I Emotionally Unstable or Unavailable?

Our emotional stability has a lot to do with emotional resilience which is a combination of nurture versus nature, but nature in early development of the child both in utero and after birth plays a major role as the perception of its environment is taken on by the nature of the child or genes if you will.  This study and theory is known as epigenetics.  

In neo-natal state, new born, the child begins learning at a rapid rate through its environmental stimulus, its surroundings.  The child learns how their mother and father respond to their environmental stimulus whether safe or unsafe.  Studies of this nature have been observed by a growing number of scientists and those in the medical field some of them include Dr. Bruce Lipton, Dr. Daniel Siegel, Dr. Pat Ogden, Dr. Nigel Plummer, and significantly Dr. Stephen Porges, and some others.  

Brain wave states of learning and consciousness

Brain waves are measured by using EEG readings also known as electroencephalography.  There are four main waves to be observed:  Delta, Theta, Alpha, and Beta.

Ages of development corresponding to brain waves found in the developing brain are as follows:

Birth – 2 years of age is when Delta waves are observed which are 0.5-4 Hz.  In this stage of development their level of consciousness is more like an sleep like state when dreams occur.  That is why some people report that their memories of this stage in life is questionable and often wonder if they imagined it or if it really happened.  Memory is there and needs to be understood when it comes to life events and how it might have impacted you into adulthood.

2 – 6 years of age is when Theta waves are seen and become dominant which are 4-8 Hz and their level of consciousness is much like a half asleep to half awake adult state.  In the Theta brainwave state children are very imaginative and can live out make believe scenarios, where creativity, insights and daydreaming are the norm.

6-8 years of age is when Alpha brainwaves become observable and functional which is a frequency of 8-13 Hz.  In this state is when we experience physical and mental relaxation.  For a child though they are not quite aware of things as yet especially of time, such as yesterday, today and tomorrow or when you tell them to wait a minute they think it is never.  

8-12 years of age is when Beta brainwaves become observable and functional which is a frequency of 13-32 Hz.  When the brain matures to this level then the child will begin to become consciously alert, and will engage in active thinking.  For example that is when they can begin to engage in active and meaningful conversation, begin to make decisions, problem solving, focusing on a task and able to begin learning a new concept.  This is the beginning of conscious and analytical thinking.

The brain matures somewhere around the age of 25 but has a number of changes throughout our life.  What we do in adulthood determines whether or not we can attain to peace, hope, satisfaction, and contentment. 

What may have had an imperfect childhood does not mean that you are doomed there is hope for you.  The beauty of the brain is that it can be changed but it does take a number of therapeutic interventions to make this happen.

Changing our behaviour 

In childhood our behaviour is programmed through what Dr. Bruce Lipton calls “a simple stimulus-response mechanism.”  We learn from outward perceptions, parental behaviours, parental emotional states, parental attachment styles, which includes even complex social interactions.  All of these things contribute to the programming of a child’s subconscious behaviour which causes them to conform to the beliefs of their community or social world, specifically their “family life”.

Why am I so emotionally unstable?

The question “Why am I so emotionally unstable?”  is a loaded question as it can have many reasons some of which can include:

• in utero emotional upsets of the mother
• mother’s use of drugs or substances before and during pregnancy
• lack of emotional attunement to the child 
• lack of healthy parental response to a child’s distress
• traumatic events such as war, rape, drugs, terrorism, parental conflicts, yelling, swearing, physical violence, emotional drama, hysteria, parental PTSD, poverty, loss of loved ones, loss of security such as homelessness, and much more.

You can have emotional resiliency and stability through therapies like EMDR.  James Miklos is a Certified EMDR Therapist and can help you to move forward.  Contact us today and book your appointment to help you to move forward.  

We can feel emotionally sensitive because we have been disappointed, harmed and or neglected in life especially in childhood as childhood is very impactful as it influences the rest of our earthly life.  When we have not felt emotionally safe in childhood then we will have difficulty feeling safe in adult hood. If we feel needy in adulthood it could be because our basic needs in childhood were not met.

Emotional resiliency 

Emotional resilience starts in utero where the internal environment for the child specifically through blood and nerves through the umbilical cord are transmitted from the mother to the child.  When a mother is feeling calm, safe, and loved the child will also feel the same, when the mother is feeling distressed, unloved, or in danger then the child will experience that as well.  Yes, the child is learning emotions from their mother on a physical level but much deeper than that the child’s gene’s are being programmed to better live in the outer world environment when they are born.  This happens whether or not the mother’s emotional responses are accurate to the environment or not.

Further to that emotional resilience comes when we in childhood were emotionally tended to when we were in distress.  If our parents were quick to meet our emotional needs in childhood where they were able to emotionally rescue us and soothe us then in adulthood we would be less emotionally sensitive or we would be less emotional as some put it.

Emotions are meant to be flexible where we can bounce back.  Better to be flexible than broken.  Some times that is easier said than done.  Emotional resilience is essential for good living.  To attain to greater emotional resilience we have to have help.  Self-helps can help but often is not enough. Before we blame others for our hurts and lack of happiness let us go on a journey that will bring strength, resilience, and happiness.  Yes it takes work but you are worth it !  Check out the various therapies that James Miklos uses to help people:

EMDR

EFT

Life Coaching

At New Hope Counselling Centre your happiness and emotional wellbeing is our goal.   Call us today!

Serving Burlington, Hamilton, Oakville, Milton, Mississauga, St. Catharines and surrounding areas.

For us to better function better in our life, marriage, and work we need to be able to identify emotions.

Life Enhancing Emotions 

We can now observe the opposites to these emotions:  

• Guilt and shame is opposite to Pride
• Self-pity to Gratitude
• Disgust to Happiness
• Fear to Curiosity
• Anger to Compassion
• Sadness and grief to Loved

Pride

There are a few definitions for pride but in this case we are understanding it in the context of self-respect where good feelings of pleasure, satisfaction, admiration and delight that arises out of ones accomplishments, abilities, qualities, and possessions that one has.  We get energy and thrive when we experience the good that comes from us, our talents and achievements.  When we feel proud we want to keep doing it and keep doing better and if we need to problem solve we can better tackle it.  This also gives us self-confidence.  Pride gives us confidence where we want to shine and be seen where guilt and shame compels us to feel less than where we want to withdraw and hide and possibly lie.

Gratitude

When we experience something good that is around us, given to us, or done for us we experience and feel appreciation.  The pleasure of contentment of benefits received.  Gratitude is something that we feel when we recognize good that has come to us and is expressed through words of appreciation and thanks.  We could also described it as when we are pleased.  When people are stuck in self-pity or a victim mentality all too often they cannot experience gratitude.  New studies have shown that gratitude is liberating and therapeutic in nature as are all Life Enhancing Emotions or Positive Emotions.  Self-pity is about self and the internal expense of ones self where you are the focus where gratitude is about others and the things around us, it is external and where the focus is on the good of creation, others, and what we have.

Happiness

Happiness comes from experiences that are pleasurable and have brought us contentment, joy, it is a state of well-being and contentment.  There are various levels of happiness that can range from contentment to ecstasy and euphoria.  When we enjoy something the experience regenerates us and refreshes us and promotes well being.  As in all emotions there are healthy and unhealthy sources and expressions of them.  Happiness draws that person, object or experience closer to ones self where disgust strongly rejects the such.

Curiosity

The emotion of curiosity is a complex one, but simply put it is the desire to learn and to know.  This emotion arises when we have a sense of safety and a hunger to grow as a person, this is more a felt sense.  Science has shown us that our brain makes new cells whenever we have a stimulating environment to think, feel, learn, hear, see, taste, touch, smell, and do something.  Unlike lust curiosity’s desire is to learn.  Curiosity is when we want to figure things out where we are inquisitive.  Curiosity moves forward where fear withdraws.

Compassion

Being compassionate or loving is a feeling we have towards others which helps us to grow and helps others to grow.  Compassion also helps us to feel satisfied and calm.  Compassion is a feeling and expression that touches our environment and others around us.  Compassion or loving is an emotional expression of great care, fondness, devotion, adoration, affection, warmth tenderness, mercy, understanding and concern.  Just like holding in or pushing away anger or sadness is not healthy for us neither is holding in compassion or feelings of love.  Love isn’t love until you give it away as the saying goes.  We feel it a greater more rewarding way when we allow ourselves to feel and express compassion and love.  Unlike anger that fights compassion helps and aids.  

Loved

When we feel loved we feel important and special which is meaningful to us because we feel nurtured and nourished in our sense of self.  When we feel loved we then begin to attach to another person.  We feel cherished where we feel held in deep affection.  When we feel loved we feel attracted and attractive to those who are loving and caring for us.  We feel connected to other people.  Healthy touch is a loving touch that is nourishing to our mind and body.  It is found that Oxytocin is secreted when we are touched in a loving way.  Loving touch is calming.  Loving words and and looks cause us to feel important and loved and loveable we are.  When we feel loved we grow stronger in our sense of self, securer in a relationship, where we can thrive where in contrast when we experience sadness and grief we feel weaker, less secure, more unstable, an emptiness and as though something has died or is dying in us.

Positive emotions or life enhancing emotions are a gift from above and when we are able to experience them more we are healthier, live longer, have better relationships, and become more resilient in life.  We need to work on these things and we can do that through therapies such as:

>> EMDR Therapy

>> Emotional Freedom Techniques Therapy

>> Psychosomatic Energetics 

>> Fraser’s Dissociative Table Technique 

At New Hope Counselling Centre we have the compassion, the hope and importantly the therapeutic approach that can help you to improve your happiness, marriage, healthy living, bringing you hope for a better tomorrow.  Call us today!

Serving Burlington, Hamilton, Oakville, Milton, Mississauga, St. Catharines and surrounding areas.

Robert Plutchik theory. 22 October 2017. Wiki Media Commons.

Basic emotions

There are numerous theories as to how many basic emotions we have such as: theory by Paul Ekman, The James-Lange Theory of Emotion, The Cannon-Bard Theory of Emotion, Schachter-Singer Theory, Richard Lazarus’ Cognitive Appraisal Theory, and others.

Basic emotions are the building blocks of more complex experience of emotions.  It is very difficult to define definitively the ‘gospel truth’ of emotions but we can identify them in a manner that can help us to better understand what it is that we are feeling and also what healthy emotions can possibly look like.

We can look at emotions in opposites, much like an antonym in vocabulary, or as in a colour wheel, or even in temperature such as hot and cold.  We often refer to these opposites as positive and negative emotions.  A friend and colleague of mine, Katie O’Shea renamed these as Connective and Life Enhancing Emotions and Protective and Life Preserving Emotions.  

Protective Emotions

Shame and Guilt

Shame and guilt though similar are different but can fit into the same category.  This emotion brings to our attention when we have or others have done something harmful.  This emotion can work for us even before we have done something we should not have done, it can show us ahead of time that by doing a certain behaviour we can bring harm to someone either emotionally or physically.  Often this emotion is referred to as a part of our conscience.  This emotion brings to our attention behavioural changes we need to make.  When we are skewed in our emotions that is when we need help.  Guilt and shame when felt too much we feel as though we were bad versus our behaviour was bad.  Some of what we feel with this emotion includes morals which sits in spirituality or religious beliefs.

Self-Pity

When we didn’t do anything wrong but something harmful has happened to us we need to feel sorry for ourselves.  As the saying goes, lick your own wounds, we may need to do so in order to pay attention to how we have been hurt and what we need to pay attention to so that we can tend to ourselves and receive the healing, rest and emotional nourishment that we need.  Where self-pity is unhealthy is when a person gets stuck in this feeling and continues to play the victim.  Don’t pay attention to those who may say, “Don’t feel sorry for yourself”, as this may prolong your wound.  Paying healthy attention to a physical wound is important so physical infection does not settle in so it is with emotional wounds.  If you push emotions away they will stay and not heal.  Pay attention to those emotions and care for yourself giving yourself what is healthy and needful.

Disgust

Understanding disgust is when we are repulsed where we react to eliminating something from us that is toxic, poisonous or dangerous.  Disgust can be experienced when we taste something that is experienced as repulsive and we spit it out and withdraw from that thing.  We can experience this when someone does something that is morally depraved or what we call “sick” or a food that is rotten, or a puss that might be oozing out.  Disgust is experienced when we quickly feel the need to remove ourselves from that experience or behaviour.  We need to pay attention to this feeling as it tells us when we need to remove ourselves from that situation or people otherwise we will become like them in some manner.

Fear

Fear lets us know when we are in danger.  Not all fear is a correct assessment of the situation but healthy fear we can see in the example when a person is standing on the edge of a building 10 stories up and they know that to take a step off of the building that they will fall and die.  Healthy fear also understands that jumping in front of a moving train will kill them.  Unhealthy fear is when we experience some form of this emotion when there is no danger present.  Fear gives us the energy to respond to a danger that is present whether emotional or physical, usually this response is a flight response.

Anger

Anger gives us the energy to fight when faced with a danger whether emotional or physical.  Again, this emotional response may not be correct due to incorrect perceptions of the brain.  On the scale of 0-10 when we experience a 5 or more we reject the person rather than the deed and when it is under a 5 we reject the deed rather than the person.  Anger has different intensities from annoyance to wrathful hatred.  Anger can be expressed through bodily expressions, facial, tone of voice, volume of voice as well as words chosen to be expressed.  Anger has been referred to as a secondary emotion because it is an emotions that fights to regain power, for example I am angry because I was afraid, much like a fearful dog cornered becomes vicious.  

Sadness and Grief

Sadness and grief show us that we have lost something or someone that is valuable to us.  The more important that person or thing was to us the more intense the sadness.  Healthy sadness and grief come when we embrace the feelings versus try and push them away.  We need to reflect on the wound of loss once embraced we should be able experience gratitude because we are noticing the good that we once had either in a relationship or a thing such as a job.  Sadness can also show us that we need to love and appreciate the relationships we make and have as well as respecting things that we have.  Complicated grief arises when childhood attachments and connections were not of good quality.  

Negative emotions or feelings can be helpful when we need to protect our life from danger but when they are working at the wrong time then our life can become troublesome.  When we ask, “Why am I feeling this way?”  “Can I ever feel different?”  “Is there any hope of me feeling better?”  The answer is yes.  There is no magic wand or special pill but there are clinical and therapeutic ways that can help us regain our life.  Check out some of the therapies below that can help you.

>> EMDR Therapy

>> Homeopathy 

At New Hope Counselling Centre we can help you to improve your emotional state, marriage, healthy living, bringing you hope for a better tomorrow.  Call us today!

Serving Burlington, Hamilton, Oakville, Milton, Mississauga, St. Catharines and surrounding areas.