Love in trouble can be recognized and resolved if we know what to look for.  There are a number of key things that a person needs to look for in a love relationship that culminates in marriage and that is what my article is about.  Let’s consider the following signs we can see that can reveal to us that our love in marriage is in trouble.

You do not spend quality time together

We grow apart because we no longer spend quality time with our spouse.  If you are like ships passing in the night or simply discussing duties and responsibilities of the household and there is not quality time spent with each other on a daily basis then your marriage is in trouble.

You have to make your spouse the most important person in your life and not just in words or intentions but in real world action.  You have to spend time together talking about heart matters and feelings allowing your partner into your heart and that takes time and communication with no allowable intrusions.

Your fights are harmful

Conflict can and will exist in a loving relationship and it doesn’t mean that the relationship is over as some might think, but how one behaves in conflict makes all the difference as to whether or not you are destroying love in your relationship or helping to resolve and repair differences that each of you might be having with each other.  Harmful fighting is when you are attacking and rejecting your partner that demoralizes them.  Harmful fighting includes rejection of your partner and that can be seen through too much anger that can be seen in expressions that are critical, defensive, disrespectful, and cold. 

Being critical 

How you fight determines whether or not you will have love in your relationship.  You have to avoid criticism that usually involves blaming your partner outrightly in a cruel manner by using such phrases as:  You always… or You never…. I am going to speak my truth… I’m going to give you a piece of my mind… etc.  These types of phrases will destroy love in a relationship.  If you have a complaint be direct about it rather than critical, work to resolve the problem rather than attacking your partner.  

Being defensive

Being defensive when your partner brings up an issue will surely end in miserable failure as this sends a strong signal that they are unimportant and so is their complaint.  Being defensive only escalates the conflict.  The best solution is first to listen without a comeback to validate the person’s complaint and to take some responsibility for the problem even if you feel criticized in some manner.  Being defensive only compounds any problems that exist.

Being disrespectful

Make no excuses for yourself, being disrespectful is contentious by nature as it is full of contempt and possibly filled with mockery or scorn.  Fighting dirty can send a message that you lack good character and have not emotionally matured.  Respect is paramount for your relationship.  Remember no one is greater than the other, you are partners.  Yes, you are different from each other and that is a good thing not a bad thing.  If you are struggling with respecting your partner you don’t have to show it otherwise you become the perpetrator.  It is so important to own your own emotions and feelings that way you won’t become harmful.  Being respectful is key to love and reconciliation.  Work on respect, having a tone of voice that is respectful.  Avoid rolling the eyes, wagging the head, sighing and other body expressions that expresses scorn.  Use words that convey respect though you may not agree.  Build appreciation in your mind and heart think of the good qualities of your partner that which you saw when you were in love.  Build quality, respectful communication with your partner, which will begin turning things around.  It takes work but it is worth it!

Being cold

Being cold, putting up a wall between you and your partner will only escalate the problem and lead to separation.  Being cold sends a message of hatred.  Why? When people communicate there is engagement which allows people to have hope in a relationship though it may be going through a rocky road at the moment.  When we put up a wall this is ultimate rejection.  That being said it is common that men do this more than women and is often the result of feeling overwhelmed.  A solution might be to take a break that is time specific (like a half-hour) that is mutually agreed upon and not dictated.  Don’t take a break for more than a day as this can be stonewalling.  Agree to come together and to communicate with one another in a respectful manner though you are unhappy.  Always take the ownership of your feelings, avoid blaming and criticizing, and being defensive as this will lead to a break down in love and communication.

Lack of honesty

A lack of honesty in marriage will destroy love.  A lack of honest is better known as lying.  Lying is both active and passive.  Active lying is directly telling someone a falsehood, something that is not true or real, whereas passive lying is the withholding of information.  Passive lying occurs when we choose not to communicate information with our partner.  I have been told, “I don’t want to upset my partner so I didn’t tell them about…”. This withholding of information, is probably the result of fear for self protection, which always leads to a worse place in your relationship because it will lead to significant turmoil and a feeling of betrayal in your partner.

If you want intimacy then you have to be openhearted and honest.  Be honest but not hurtful, be truthful but not disrespectful. 

Lack of intimacy

Men and women often look at intimacy as two very different things though it usually culminates into sex.  For a man to feel loved he needs to have sex and for a woman to have sex she needs to feel loved.  Generally speaking, men need their wife to have sex with them on a regular basis, as their physiology is quite different from a woman’s.   Again, generally speaking, Women first need the heart connection where they feel adored or idolized by their partner where they are treated as special which can come through words, touch, and actions of kindness before they want sex.  A man need sex but not just the act of intercourse but to have intimacy in sex where they can experience their wife emotionally engaging with them in sex rather than just being “available”.  A man needs to know that his wife is in-to-him.  Remember if sexual intimacy is not a regular part of your marriage then love in marriage will fail and you will be more like roommates.  You got married for committed intimacy… sex!  Marriage is irrelevant if the relationship is plutonic.

In Conclusion

We can fall out of love because we fail to understand that love is not just a feeling but needs to be actionable.  Love has to be understood as a virtue first in order to continue experiencing the feelings and passions of love in marriage.  Read my last article to further understand this vital  aspect of love,  “Understanding How Love In Marriage Works”.  The virtuous side of love gives stability in a relationship which is vital if you are to keep love out of trouble. 

Everyone wants to feel loved that is one big reason you decided to get married.  But, with so many definitions and thoughts about love it can get a bit confusing.  I cannot address all the aspects of “feeling loved” but I can give you a slice of the pie.

First, let’s consider the differences between men and women.  In order for a man to feel loved he needs to have sexual intimacy.  In order for a woman to want to have sex she needs to feel loved.  These two statements at first may seem confusing but that’s how it works in marriage.

She needs to feel loved to have sex

Though sex is physical and involves physical touch and physical sensation but it is much more than that, especially for a woman, it is emotional in nature.  In order for your wife to want to have sex and be emotionally available she needs to feel loved.  You are probably wondering by now what that might look like.  Here is a short and concise list that can help you better understand what feeling loved for a woman may look like.

The love needs of a woman

A woman needs to be…

• Spoken to with a kindness and compassion.
• Touched in a gentle and thoughtful manner.
• Gently and thoughtfully treated with various acts of kindness.
• Given thoughtful gifts such as flowers.
• Spending quality time her husband where each of you can talk and gaze into each others eyes.
• Helped in the time of need, including around the house (knight in shining armour).
• Shown respect through words, tone, and actions.
• Taken care of where she can feel safe which can include being provided for and/or supported. She wants a responsible working man.
• Told the truth.  She needs her husband to be open and honest with her which will allow her to open up to her partner accordingly.
• Committed to.  Another attractive feature for a woman is when a man shows family commitment and values.

This list is in no way an unabridged list but it does cover the majority of feeling loved issues that a woman may have.  When a woman feels loved then she will be more receptive and responsive to sex.

He needs to have sex to feel loved

Sex is what seriously distinguishes the difference between being married and just being friends.  The biggest sex organ you have is your brain.  It takes healthy thinking to have healthy sex. If a woman is not willing and emotionally engaged in sex with her husband then he will not feel loved. 

I have had numerous clients come in where the man has asked his wife to spend time with him, to be more affectionate, even if she wasn’t open about sex, but in every single situation, deep down inside of every man, that is physiologically healthy, he wants to have sex and as frequently as daily or at least every other day.  I have had men tell me that they would be happy even if they had sex once a week! 

Why are men and women different?

Men and woman are different.  They are different physically, in shape, in skin construction, sexual reproductivity, hormonally, and even in their brain function.  Men and women were meant to be different.  Different in this case is good because it is like the Ying to the Yang, shoes and socks, bread and butter, and spaghetti and meatballs.  It is not about being like each other but rather the complimentary differences of each other.  For example, men are predominantly stimulated by sight, where woman are predominately stimulated by touch, even though both can enjoy both experiences.

Men’s sexual physiology leads to a sperm and semen build up approximately every 24 to 48 hours which triggers the brain for sex.  Besides that men think about sex at least 10 times more in a day than woman do.  Women’s sexual arousal is not the result of any build up of fluid but rather the build up of love and support coming from her partner.

Why do sport channels appeal to men than to women and the Hallmark channel more to women than to men? It’s all about the emotional and sexual make up of men versus women.  Bottom line is that we need to better understand each other and take time to do so, because that can lead to a fulfilling marriage and love life.

Men’s sexual needs can include:

• The obvious is having sexual intercourse.
• A woman’s emotional connection with her husband where she is in to him during times of sexual intimacy.
• A wife having a Submissive attitude and disposition in sex.
• A woman who is actively engaged in foreplay.
• Where a woman is being creative in sexual activities.
• Understanding what is mutually satisfying.
• Bonding – no man or woman wants to be second fiddle to anybody else.  Marriage is to be exclusive of all others.

Feeling loved in marriage

In conclusion, feeling loved by your partner is critical and it is a life long effort.  Love is not automatic and does need care and maintenance.  Falling out of love is the result of self-centredness where each person thinks it should just happen or it should just be.  When you wanted each other you put in the effort that is why you were “in love” with each other.  To have the same passion of love takes that kind of effort with constant gratitude for each other.

In order for a man to feel loved he needs to have sex.  In order for a woman to want to have sex she needs to feel loved.  If you can remember this, invest in your marriage, be grateful for one another, show love and respect to each other you can have a fulfilling passionate marriage relationship.