Everyone wants to feel loved that is one big reason you decided to get married.  But, with so many definitions and thoughts about love it can get a bit confusing.  I cannot address all the aspects of “feeling loved” but I can give you a slice of the pie.

First, let’s consider the differences between men and women.  In order for a man to feel loved he needs to have sexual intimacy.  In order for a woman to want to have sex she needs to feel loved.  These two statements at first may seem confusing but that’s how it works in marriage.

She needs to feel loved to have sex

Though sex is physical and involves physical touch and physical sensation but it is much more than that, especially for a woman, it is emotional in nature.  In order for your wife to want to have sex and be emotionally available she needs to feel loved.  You are probably wondering by now what that might look like.  Here is a short and concise list that can help you better understand what feeling loved for a woman may look like.

The love needs of a woman

A woman needs to be…

• Spoken to with a kindness and compassion.
• Touched in a gentle and thoughtful manner.
• Gently and thoughtfully treated with various acts of kindness.
• Given thoughtful gifts such as flowers.
• Spending quality time her husband where each of you can talk and gaze into each others eyes.
• Helped in the time of need, including around the house (knight in shining armour).
• Shown respect through words, tone, and actions.
• Taken care of where she can feel safe which can include being provided for and/or supported. She wants a responsible working man.
• Told the truth.  She needs her husband to be open and honest with her which will allow her to open up to her partner accordingly.
• Committed to.  Another attractive feature for a woman is when a man shows family commitment and values.

This list is in no way an unabridged list but it does cover the majority of feeling loved issues that a woman may have.  When a woman feels loved then she will be more receptive and responsive to sex.

He needs to have sex to feel loved

Sex is what seriously distinguishes the difference between being married and just being friends.  The biggest sex organ you have is your brain.  It takes healthy thinking to have healthy sex. If a woman is not willing and emotionally engaged in sex with her husband then he will not feel loved. 

I have had numerous clients come in where the man has asked his wife to spend time with him, to be more affectionate, even if she wasn’t open about sex, but in every single situation, deep down inside of every man, that is physiologically healthy, he wants to have sex and as frequently as daily or at least every other day.  I have had men tell me that they would be happy even if they had sex once a week! 

Why are men and women different?

Men and woman are different.  They are different physically, in shape, in skin construction, sexual reproductivity, hormonally, and even in their brain function.  Men and women were meant to be different.  Different in this case is good because it is like the Ying to the Yang, shoes and socks, bread and butter, and spaghetti and meatballs.  It is not about being like each other but rather the complimentary differences of each other.  For example, men are predominantly stimulated by sight, where woman are predominately stimulated by touch, even though both can enjoy both experiences.

Men’s sexual physiology leads to a sperm and semen build up approximately every 24 to 48 hours which triggers the brain for sex.  Besides that men think about sex at least 10 times more in a day than woman do.  Women’s sexual arousal is not the result of any build up of fluid but rather the build up of love and support coming from her partner.

Why do sport channels appeal to men than to women and the Hallmark channel more to women than to men? It’s all about the emotional and sexual make up of men versus women.  Bottom line is that we need to better understand each other and take time to do so, because that can lead to a fulfilling marriage and love life.

Men’s sexual needs can include:

• The obvious is having sexual intercourse.
• A woman’s emotional connection with her husband where she is in to him during times of sexual intimacy.
• A wife having a Submissive attitude and disposition in sex.
• A woman who is actively engaged in foreplay.
• Where a woman is being creative in sexual activities.
• Understanding what is mutually satisfying.
• Bonding – no man or woman wants to be second fiddle to anybody else.  Marriage is to be exclusive of all others.

Feeling loved in marriage

In conclusion, feeling loved by your partner is critical and it is a life long effort.  Love is not automatic and does need care and maintenance.  Falling out of love is the result of self-centredness where each person thinks it should just happen or it should just be.  When you wanted each other you put in the effort that is why you were “in love” with each other.  To have the same passion of love takes that kind of effort with constant gratitude for each other.

In order for a man to feel loved he needs to have sex.  In order for a woman to want to have sex she needs to feel loved.  If you can remember this, invest in your marriage, be grateful for one another, show love and respect to each other you can have a fulfilling passionate marriage relationship.

To get the most out of therapy takes a few steps of preparation.  Since you are probably paying for your therapy or counselling sessions it would be prudent to come prepared to listen, participate, and to talk.

It’s important to understand that your therapist is not a magician or miracle worker though they are skilled individuals that have been trained to help connect with, be compassionate, be a good listener and facilitator in helping you with your problems.

Finding the right therapist for you can take some investigation as well as spending some of your money.  Though I am a therapist myself, I too have pursued therapy and though I am trained in this field I understand that after I have done my due diligence to search out the type of therapist I would like to see that I may end up not resonating with the therapist, this happens and that’s okay.  Be sure though to look at yourself especially if you have seen numerous therapists and have only stayed with them for a short period of time.  If possible before you book your first appointment try to find out what is the therapist’s style, what is the process that the therapist wants to take you through, be open-minded, investigate, and ask questions.  Remember nobody is perfect and no therapist can read your mind.  If your personalities don’t connect well then it may be best to pursue another therapist.

• Know that you need help, don’t come because you want to fix someone else.
• Take some notes, at least some mental notes, of what you want to discuss with your therapist from the onset of the session.
• If you have had other therapy/counselling sessions be sure that you have followed through and completed or practiced your given assignments.
• Be aware that getting upset with your progress may not be your therapist’s issue it could be your own anxiety issues projecting onto your therapist, therefore be ready to own your own stuff and take personal responsibility for your progress.  If you need to let your therapist know about your frustrations concerning your progress let them know kindly and clearly.
• Therapy is a journey more than a process or an assembly line of treatment.  Going faster sometimes means moving slower.  Relax knowing that this time is for you.

To have successful therapy it is important to note that not every session will be revolutionary or life changing but rather your consistent participation in the process will build a therapeutic momentum transpiring in overall healing and even exceptional healing moments.

Once you leave a session notice what happened, what you said, what the therapist said, what you learned, how you felt, what you need to discuss further and possibly even give your therapist some feedback to gain further clarification, especially if you didn’t like something that transpired during the session.