When coming to marriage counselling there are some essential things that need to be understood in order for marriage counselling to work.  Marriage counselling is for those who want their marriage to work though there may be some emotional uncertainty around it.  

Doing marriage counselling for few decades has given me some insight on what works and what doesn’t work when it comes to helping a marriage thrive.  Through my research and practice I have realized that 3 key elements are needed from the onset in order to succeed, commitment, humility, and personal ownership of your feelings.

This article focuses on commitment.  Commitment looks different to different people and can hold various definitions in peoples’ minds therefore I want to help you to see what it should look like in order to have successful recovery in your marriage.

Commitment to your marriage

With divorce and separation rates climbing these days commitment in the western world is a term that is quite fluid.  Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines commitment as: an agreement or pledge to do something in the future; something pledged.  Does that sound familiar?  Do you recall when you verbally said your vows in the marriage ceremony and said in agreement, “I do”? These two words in a marriage ceremony is the verbal contract.  These are the words which confirmed your commitment to one another – unless of course you meant to lie about it.

I have observed that couples that fight to keep their marriage are couples who put the effort into working things out; whereas those who take an approach of ‘wait and see’  rarely will work out their differences.  How many other things in life work successfully if we take a wait and see approach?  I would say that most things don’t work out at all with that attitude.  In sports, academics, fitness, weight loss, just to mention a few areas, your efforts are never successful without a firm commitment that involves a do-or-die attitude.  Relationships take work.  Just having a romantic interlude or casual sex doesn’t require any work because desire and pleasure is driving you.  If our approach is simply to have pleasure and nothing else then marriage won’t work.  Some research has shown that those involved in a committed monogamous relationship begin with a hormonal high and after a period ranging from 2 weeks to 2 years the hormonal high subsides.  What does this mean?  It means that you were on your own emotional drugs and now you are sober.  Commitment in your marriage involves a resolute decision to reclaim the feelings of love you once had.  Love is spelt W-O-R-K.  

Commitment to the counselling process

Another important commitment that is needed to succeed in restoring love in your marriage is the commitment to the counselling process.  All too often couples will come in with serious marital issues and will give up usually after coming for 1 to 6 sessions.  Imagine if you went to the gym and thought that way, or that you could complete a degree in university by putting in just a few hours.  You might say that’s ridiculous, it takes much more effort and commitment to succeed.  Then, how is it that you can expect the single most important relationship you will ever have in this earthly life, to be fixed and restored? How to love your spouse? How to communicate effectively?  How to meet your spouse’s needs?  Do these things just happen?  If you think that it is no wonder you are having problems.  Anything that is worth having and fighting for takes time, money, education, training, and practice.  

When you start off with counselling you may encounter a week of sudden bliss or all of a sudden it gets even worse!  This is NORMAL!  But, the key is to be committed through this process, remember it is a process.  There is no magic wand, miracle pill or the like, making marriage work takes committed work on several levels which includes learning, problem solving, learning to listen better, learning to speak better, putting aside yourself and becoming compassionate towards your partner.

How long will it take?  This is something I frequently hear from people.  This depends on the level of commitment from each person in the relationship.  When you are in this process you need to set work aside, other friends aside, parents aside, set your money concerns aside (a lawyer is much more expensive), and time aside for regular sessions, spending quality time with your spouse, time for reading, learning, practicing  – all in order to succeed.

Are you ready for commitment ?

If you will become as committed as an olympic athlete you will succeed in having a marriage that will be exciting, invigorating, and amazing.

Commitment is one of the most important keys to making marriage counselling and marriage work.

In my next article I will be looking at the next key – humility.

Suggested reading:  (>Click Here<) Falling Out Of Love – Part 2: Understanding How Love In Marriage Works

Disclaimer:  This article is not meant to diagnose, treat nor is it any kind of conclusive evidence, this article is simply the opinion of the author.  This article is meant for personal reflection and inspiration only.

Sources:

1.  Commitment: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/commitment

Women need to feel from their husband a gentle feeling of fondness; affection if you will.  They crave gentleness, tenderness, warmth, devotion, endearment, where they feel cared for.

Affection can be expressed in numerous ways.  Some of these ways can include: physical, non-sexual affection like hugs, kisses, holding of the hands, a gentle touch as you are near her.  Other ways can include a gentle tone of voice, words that create in her a sense of endearment.  Gifts given and helping out can express this as well but in a more limited sense when it comes to affection.  Affection needs to be intimate and emotionally connecting, meaning, it needs to be from sincerity of the heart.  (Find out more how you can have the marriage you dreamed of).

I have found that women generally desire and appreciate affection in one of three ways:

1. Physical non-sexual touch
2. Verbal words of love and affirmation
3. Both of the above

Physical Touch

Few key points will help you to understand what your partner needs and how to meet it.  Some men have reported to me that their wife doesn’t respond well to non-sexual touch, there are numerous reasons for this.  A few of these reasons can be that your timing is off, for example she is in the kitchen getting supper ready and you approach her from behind and want to express affection to her but she rejects you or ignores you, your timing needs to improve as well as your communication.  Remember just because you want it doesn’t mean that your partner does at that moment.  Communication such as asking her before you touch, waiting for the right moment when she’s done her task then approach her.  Remember women do not like it when men just want sex or are emotionally needy and that’s why they are touching them.

Intimate touch can also include things like direct eye contact with a look of love.  A loving gaze into each others eyes is important, even a loving playful wink, or blowing of a kiss.

physical affection can also include:

• kissing
• nibbling on your partner’s ear
• playing footsies
• briefly rubbing your partner’s back
• holding hands
• sitting close to each other where you are making physical contact with each other
• cuddling
• hugging
• ticking your spouse’s arm
• walking with each other’s arms around each other’s waist

Physical closeness and healthy touches of endearment are crucial to igniting love in your marriage and definitely in your wife.

Words of Affection

Words of affection involve predominantly two areas of expression.

1.   Praise – Words of praise involve the expression of gratitude and affection concerning things that she does.  Things like, “You are an amazing cook!”  “You always dress nice.”  “You are always so good at organizing.”  “You are a good mother to my children.”  The list goes on and on, but the key point here is that these words of expression are directed towards telling her all the amazing things she does.

2.   Adoration – Words of adoration involve expressions of love for who she is rather than what she has done.  Such words can be, “I love your blue eyes.”  “You are so beautiful.”  “I love your cute smile.”  “The way you walk is so elegant.”  “You are brilliant.”  There are numerous choices of such expressions you can say to her.  Words of adoration are important because each woman wants to feel that she is the centre of your universe.

Conclusion

Just like sexual intimacy is a man’s number one need so is affection for women.  Without affection a woman will not respond well and her number one need won’t be met.  Yes, there are other key factors to meeting your wife’s needs but his one is number one.  Often men need to be coached along these lines which then helps them to succeed and end up with a marriage that is filled with passionate love.

For more on Marriage Counselling click here

Written by: James A. Miklos, M.C.C., R.P. -   James has been counselling,  and providing psychotherapy for over 30 years, is a public speaker and writer.

© 2025 James A. Miklos. All rights reserved.  To copy or quote any of this material this entire citation and credit must be posted.