Owning your feelings takes commitment and humility. Owning your own feelings is critical to making your marriage a good one. This can be difficult but when done correctly it is actually very liberating. Frequently we can feel that someone else is responsible for how we feel. This belief leads to a loss of personal control and power and leads us to further believing that we are not responsible for our own behaviours. This belief results in a loss of love that would otherwise potentially come your way.

Taking responsibility

For any effective mental health and therapeutic work to succeed taking personal responsibility is necessary but not necessarily very comfortable. Taking responsibility for our feelings, attitudes, and behaviours is key to our spiritual and mental health. Just to be clear, there is no forward motion, no true results, no real healing that comes into our lives without taking personal responsibility.

I wish to further qualify this by saying that there are many individuals who over-blame themselves for everything while others choose to blame everybody else for everything and then again there is a minority that choose to “own their stuff” by taking responsibility for those things that they are personally responsible for. I know this seems like tough medicine, and it sure is, but this is the pathway to personal power and freedom and the possible eventuality of having a good marriage.

Responsibility is ownership

To take responsibility is to be mature, humble and a person who desires truth. To take personal responsibility is to be willing to see your behaviour and attitudes and recognize that they are yours and nobody else’s. It’s my responsibility how I act. The comedian, the late Flip Wilson, popularized the saying, “The devil made me do it!” In that joke we can find what is called a psychological projection, this is where someone else is to blame for ones impulses or qualities that are undesirable or harmful.

Ask yourself, who is it that is experiencing the feeling? I am! Am I responsible for what I am feeling or not? If not, then it wouldn’t matter how I act out then, would it? That is what we would like to believe. When we feel emotionally injured we need to take responsibility for it immediately. Now, I am not inferring that you shouldn’t be feeling the pain or that the reason you are feeling the pain is your fault rather I am saying, what you do with what you are feeling is where personal responsibility comes into play. Think about it this way, I am feeling the feelings the other person is not making me feel though they could be perpetrating it. Sometimes the line of responsibility can seem blurred especially when we are in great emotional pain, but if we can more objectively ask ourselves some questions and observe we can probably come to some better conclusions.

Victim or Victor?

To some degree we all have had a victim mentality at some point in time, while there are those of us who still carry that around in our injured soul. Staying stuck in this can have us believing such negative beliefs as, “I always get the short end of the stick.” “I am always in trouble or to blame.” “Bad things always come my way.” “I always get stuck with …” “My spouse is always hurting me.” “There is no point in trying.” “If I don’t do it nobody else will.” “I’m the one that has to carry the load around here.” These and other such statements indicate a victim mentality which keeps us stuck in a belief of powerlessness and in the emotion of self-pity.

Using self-pity or the victim mentality creates for us a sub-standard quality of life. If you are stuck in a victim mentality or self-pity don’t deny it or blame and shame yourself simply recognize it, own it and realize that you need some good qualified help. We all need help from time to time in our lives because some tasks, including our own soul, needs help from qualified others to get unstuck, healed, and move forward.

Staying stuck is a choice. We can choose freedom but you should know that this will take effort on your part. Approximately 3,300 years ago we see ancient Israel in slavery under Pharaoh where the people wanted to be free from the oppression of slavery but when they became liberated they then had to think, live and believe differently. This involved making difficult choices and doing difficult tasks and having hurdles to overcome. Even though Moses did much of the intervention with God’s help there was still a lot of struggle and a lot of work for the newly liberated nation. Having freedom takes bravery and determination working with someone qualified that can help you to finally experience the freedom that all people are supposed enjoy.

Why does my partner drive me crazy?

Marriage is the one relationship that can be the most rewarding, the most intimate of any other relationship but it is also the most emotional relationship you will ever have. If you are reading this you probably have experienced what it is like for your partner to “push the buttons”. This experience is the result of two people who usually are acting out of hurt feelings and therefore one or the other party is punishing their partner in return by their own reactional behaviour.

Sometimes you may experience your partner pushing your buttons and in turn you are being triggered emotionally, but they may not be doing it intentionally rather your negative experience is the result of some pain or painful events in the past that have not been processed by your brain as yet.

Think about a drinking glass. You and I are like that drinking glass and what is in that glass are all of our life’s experiences from the past and if filled with negative things then when current negative things happen our glass gets too full or starts to spill over resulting in feelings like you are going crazy from the emotional pain. If you don’t take ownership of this then the result will be a sense of powerlessness, a victim mentality, and self-sabotage of your most intimate relationship.

Conclusion

“Owning my own feelings” means that you refuse to be a victim anymore, you choose to get the help you need to begin your healing process and begin to communicate with your partner in a more meaningful and healing like manner resulting in a better marriage relationship which will bring you closer and closer to the loving relationship you have wanted.

Be sure to read this entire series (click on words below):

Part 1: Commitment

Part 2: Humility

Disclaimer:  This article is not meant to diagnose, treat nor is it any kind of conclusive evidence, this article is simply the opinion of the author.  This article is meant for personal reflection and inspiration only.

Sources:

Psychological Projection:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=exodus+1&version=KJV

When coming to marriage counselling there are some essential things that need to be understood in order for marriage counselling to work.  Marriage counselling is for those who want their marriage to work though there may be some emotional uncertainty around it.  

Doing marriage counselling for few decades has given me some insight on what works and what doesn’t work when it comes to helping a marriage thrive.  Through my research and practice I have realized that 3 key elements are needed from the onset in order to succeed, commitment, humility, and personal ownership of your feelings.

This article focuses on commitment.  Commitment looks different to different people and can hold various definitions in peoples’ minds therefore I want to help you to see what it should look like in order to have successful recovery in your marriage.

Commitment to your marriage

With divorce and separation rates climbing these days commitment in the western world is a term that is quite fluid.  Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines commitment as: an agreement or pledge to do something in the future; something pledged.  Does that sound familiar?  Do you recall when you verbally said your vows in the marriage ceremony and said in agreement, “I do”? These two words in a marriage ceremony is the verbal contract.  These are the words which confirmed your commitment to one another – unless of course you meant to lie about it.

I have observed that couples that fight to keep their marriage are couples who put the effort into working things out; whereas those who take an approach of ‘wait and see’  rarely will work out their differences.  How many other things in life work successfully if we take a wait and see approach?  I would say that most things don’t work out at all with that attitude.  In sports, academics, fitness, weight loss, just to mention a few areas, your efforts are never successful without a firm commitment that involves a do-or-die attitude.  Relationships take work.  Just having a romantic interlude or casual sex doesn’t require any work because desire and pleasure is driving you.  If our approach is simply to have pleasure and nothing else then marriage won’t work.  Some research has shown that those involved in a committed monogamous relationship begin with a hormonal high and after a period ranging from 2 weeks to 2 years the hormonal high subsides.  What does this mean?  It means that you were on your own emotional drugs and now you are sober.  Commitment in your marriage involves a resolute decision to reclaim the feelings of love you once had.  Love is spelt W-O-R-K.  

Commitment to the counselling process

Another important commitment that is needed to succeed in restoring love in your marriage is the commitment to the counselling process.  All too often couples will come in with serious marital issues and will give up usually after coming for 1 to 6 sessions.  Imagine if you went to the gym and thought that way, or that you could complete a degree in university by putting in just a few hours.  You might say that’s ridiculous, it takes much more effort and commitment to succeed.  Then, how is it that you can expect the single most important relationship you will ever have in this earthly life, to be fixed and restored? How to love your spouse? How to communicate effectively?  How to meet your spouse’s needs?  Do these things just happen?  If you think that it is no wonder you are having problems.  Anything that is worth having and fighting for takes time, money, education, training, and practice.  

When you start off with counselling you may encounter a week of sudden bliss or all of a sudden it gets even worse!  This is NORMAL!  But, the key is to be committed through this process, remember it is a process.  There is no magic wand, miracle pill or the like, making marriage work takes committed work on several levels which includes learning, problem solving, learning to listen better, learning to speak better, putting aside yourself and becoming compassionate towards your partner.

How long will it take?  This is something I frequently hear from people.  This depends on the level of commitment from each person in the relationship.  When you are in this process you need to set work aside, other friends aside, parents aside, set your money concerns aside (a lawyer is much more expensive), and time aside for regular sessions, spending quality time with your spouse, time for reading, learning, practicing  – all in order to succeed.

Are you ready for commitment ?

If you will become as committed as an olympic athlete you will succeed in having a marriage that will be exciting, invigorating, and amazing.

Commitment is one of the most important keys to making marriage counselling and marriage work.

In my next article I will be looking at the next key – humility.

Suggested reading:  (>Click Here<) Falling Out Of Love – Part 2: Understanding How Love In Marriage Works

Disclaimer:  This article is not meant to diagnose, treat nor is it any kind of conclusive evidence, this article is simply the opinion of the author.  This article is meant for personal reflection and inspiration only.

Sources:

1.  Commitment: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/commitment

Everyone wants to feel loved that is one big reason you decided to get married.  But, with so many definitions and thoughts about love it can get a bit confusing.  I cannot address all the aspects of “feeling loved” but I can give you a slice of the pie.

First, let’s consider the differences between men and women.  In order for a man to feel loved he needs to have sexual intimacy.  In order for a woman to want to have sex she needs to feel loved.  These two statements at first may seem confusing but that’s how it works in marriage.

She needs to feel loved to have sex

Though sex is physical and involves physical touch and physical sensation but it is much more than that, especially for a woman, it is emotional in nature.  In order for your wife to want to have sex and be emotionally available she needs to feel loved.  You are probably wondering by now what that might look like.  Here is a short and concise list that can help you better understand what feeling loved for a woman may look like.

The love needs of a woman

A woman needs to be…

• Spoken to with a kindness and compassion.
• Touched in a gentle and thoughtful manner.
• Gently and thoughtfully treated with various acts of kindness.
• Given thoughtful gifts such as flowers.
• Spending quality time her husband where each of you can talk and gaze into each others eyes.
• Helped in the time of need, including around the house (knight in shining armour).
• Shown respect through words, tone, and actions.
• Taken care of where she can feel safe which can include being provided for and/or supported. She wants a responsible working man.
• Told the truth.  She needs her husband to be open and honest with her which will allow her to open up to her partner accordingly.
• Committed to.  Another attractive feature for a woman is when a man shows family commitment and values.

This list is in no way an unabridged list but it does cover the majority of feeling loved issues that a woman may have.  When a woman feels loved then she will be more receptive and responsive to sex.

He needs to have sex to feel loved

Sex is what seriously distinguishes the difference between being married and just being friends.  The biggest sex organ you have is your brain.  It takes healthy thinking to have healthy sex. If a woman is not willing and emotionally engaged in sex with her husband then he will not feel loved. 

I have had numerous clients come in where the man has asked his wife to spend time with him, to be more affectionate, even if she wasn’t open about sex, but in every single situation, deep down inside of every man, that is physiologically healthy, he wants to have sex and as frequently as daily or at least every other day.  I have had men tell me that they would be happy even if they had sex once a week! 

Why are men and women different?

Men and woman are different.  They are different physically, in shape, in skin construction, sexual reproductivity, hormonally, and even in their brain function.  Men and women were meant to be different.  Different in this case is good because it is like the Ying to the Yang, shoes and socks, bread and butter, and spaghetti and meatballs.  It is not about being like each other but rather the complimentary differences of each other.  For example, men are predominantly stimulated by sight, where woman are predominately stimulated by touch, even though both can enjoy both experiences.

Men’s sexual physiology leads to a sperm and semen build up approximately every 24 to 48 hours which triggers the brain for sex.  Besides that men think about sex at least 10 times more in a day than woman do.  Women’s sexual arousal is not the result of any build up of fluid but rather the build up of love and support coming from her partner.

Why do sport channels appeal to men than to women and the Hallmark channel more to women than to men? It’s all about the emotional and sexual make up of men versus women.  Bottom line is that we need to better understand each other and take time to do so, because that can lead to a fulfilling marriage and love life.

Men’s sexual needs can include:

• The obvious is having sexual intercourse.
• A woman’s emotional connection with her husband where she is in to him during times of sexual intimacy.
• A wife having a Submissive attitude and disposition in sex.
• A woman who is actively engaged in foreplay.
• Where a woman is being creative in sexual activities.
• Understanding what is mutually satisfying.
• Bonding – no man or woman wants to be second fiddle to anybody else.  Marriage is to be exclusive of all others.

Feeling loved in marriage

In conclusion, feeling loved by your partner is critical and it is a life long effort.  Love is not automatic and does need care and maintenance.  Falling out of love is the result of self-centredness where each person thinks it should just happen or it should just be.  When you wanted each other you put in the effort that is why you were “in love” with each other.  To have the same passion of love takes that kind of effort with constant gratitude for each other.

In order for a man to feel loved he needs to have sex.  In order for a woman to want to have sex she needs to feel loved.  If you can remember this, invest in your marriage, be grateful for one another, show love and respect to each other you can have a fulfilling passionate marriage relationship.

To get the most out of therapy takes a few steps of preparation.  Since you are probably paying for your therapy or counselling sessions it would be prudent to come prepared to listen, participate, and to talk.

It’s important to understand that your therapist is not a magician or miracle worker though they are skilled individuals that have been trained to help connect with, be compassionate, be a good listener and facilitator in helping you with your problems.

Finding the right therapist for you can take some investigation as well as spending some of your money.  Though I am a therapist myself, I too have pursued therapy and though I am trained in this field I understand that after I have done my due diligence to search out the type of therapist I would like to see that I may end up not resonating with the therapist, this happens and that’s okay.  Be sure though to look at yourself especially if you have seen numerous therapists and have only stayed with them for a short period of time.  If possible before you book your first appointment try to find out what is the therapist’s style, what is the process that the therapist wants to take you through, be open-minded, investigate, and ask questions.  Remember nobody is perfect and no therapist can read your mind.  If your personalities don’t connect well then it may be best to pursue another therapist.

• Know that you need help, don’t come because you want to fix someone else.
• Take some notes, at least some mental notes, of what you want to discuss with your therapist from the onset of the session.
• If you have had other therapy/counselling sessions be sure that you have followed through and completed or practiced your given assignments.
• Be aware that getting upset with your progress may not be your therapist’s issue it could be your own anxiety issues projecting onto your therapist, therefore be ready to own your own stuff and take personal responsibility for your progress.  If you need to let your therapist know about your frustrations concerning your progress let them know kindly and clearly.
• Therapy is a journey more than a process or an assembly line of treatment.  Going faster sometimes means moving slower.  Relax knowing that this time is for you.

To have successful therapy it is important to note that not every session will be revolutionary or life changing but rather your consistent participation in the process will build a therapeutic momentum transpiring in overall healing and even exceptional healing moments.

Once you leave a session notice what happened, what you said, what the therapist said, what you learned, how you felt, what you need to discuss further and possibly even give your therapist some feedback to gain further clarification, especially if you didn’t like something that transpired during the session.