Making Marriage Work – Part 2: Humility

Humility? You may be wondering what that has to do with marriage. Humility can help strengthen love and support more effective communication in a marriage. Nobody is born humble. Humility is a choice, a choice that is made whenever an attitude within yourself or your partner arises. Humility makes a person lovable and attractive.

Humility has often been framed in a spiritual or religious framework which has its merits. That being said, humility is not just a cognitive process but is also a heart (core belief) motivated action.

Webster’s 1828 online dictionary gives one definition of humble as: Lowly; modest; meek; submissive; opposed to proud, haughty, arrogant or assuming.

Chambers English Dictionary, 1988 edition defines humility as, the state or quality of being humble: lowliness of mind: modesty and further defines humble as, low: lowly: modest: unpretentious: having a low opinion of oneself.

To clarify the word humility refers to a quality where the word humble refers to the one having and acting in humility.

What can humility in a marriage look like? It would mean to defer to your partner rather than putting yourself, your opinions, and your needs first. Humility has confidence in oneself because a humble person is a person of confidence and is not easily threatened. Humility is a choice where a person puts themselves into a loving submissive position to put your partner’s needs first and thinking about them before yourself. Acknowledging you're not always right is key to being humble and is a key to making marriage work. The humble also acknowledge that they are not always right and are not seeking to draw attention to themselves.

I could use many examples of what it could look like and what it definitely does not look like, but this would probably have to be a book. Here are some key attributes of what humility can look like in marriage.

Take time to listen to your spouse without any inner or outer judgment, criticism, or the formulation of your argument as to how you disagree with them. Remember humility is not seeking to defend itself and prove the other person wrong. Humility involves compassion where you are seeking to understand what your partner is feeling, thinking, and experiencing and how you can help them to feel validated and loved

Always express gratitude to your spouse for numerous things. On a daily basis I express, with the words of my mouth, my gratitude to my wife for who she is and what she does and has done. I express gratitude for all the love she has shown me throughout the years of our relationship.

Receive constructive criticism. Regularly seek feedback from your spouse. In my marriage I regularly ask my wife for feedback on my behaviour, the meeting of her needs, and life choices. I have nothing to lose because I am confident in myself feeling secure. My wife also is not a critical person but is very respectful of me and how she talks to me. Remember, both people in a marriage need to practice humility. Allow honest correction to be given. This leads me to my next point.

Remain in a state of constant growth. When we become adults we all too often feel there is no more personal improvement needed. Personal improvement, learning and growth require humility but also produce for us a better life and a better self. No one is perfect so why act like you are and believe that it’s your spouse that needs to do the changing? Be teachable and you will be astounded in your personal growth.Seek help. Asking for help. Humility is not threatened by the lack of knowledge but asks for help. Asking for help is part of humility. Sometimes we may feel embarrassed to ask a question or get help, but I have learned that you cannot succeed at anything especially marriage when you don’t ask for help. Guys! We are not supermen, we are men who choose to be big enough to ask for help. Women love humble men and humble does not mean weak but rather it represents care.

Be respectful. Use kind language. Being humble is being kind. Humility speaks with clarity, assertiveness, truth, and kindness along with respect. Humility is a choice and you can choose to be respectful without trying to justify your own bad behaviour.

Accepting of yourself and your partner. Love, acceptance and forgiveness are the three needed to demonstrate humility. We need to offer these three to ourselves as well as to our spouse. Love, acceptance and forgiveness can help support a healthier marriage.

Deference is a word not used nearly as much as it needs to be used. Because, marriage is an emotional relationship humility expressed as deference is essential because if both do not practice deference then resentment and hatred can become the emotional mainstay resulting in a lousy marriage or divorce. Deference is an inner choice where we take a step back inwardly, where we choose to hold our tongue and listen. Outwardly this could look like an invitation to talk, allowing your partner to have their say while inwardly we are trying to understand where they are coming from. Deference will more than likely prevent unhealthy conflict in marriage.

Humility does not mean giving up your voice, boundaries or safety. Mutual respect allows both partners to express their needs. Deference should never mean accepting coercion, intimidation or abuse.

Humility can support the health of a marriage. It takes humility to heal a marriage and keep a marriage. Nobody likes a know-it-all, someone who feels they are almost always right about things. Remember we are not that good and neither are we mostly right and our partner is mostly wrong. Being willing to reflect on your own attitudes and behaviour can support healing in your marriage. Humility is the conduit for healing and keeping a marriage healthy. Nobody is born humble, humility is a choice and more than likely a choice that needs to be made several times in a day. Practising humility may help you build greater understanding, respect and connection in your life and marriage.

In my next article I will be looking at the next key - Owning Your Feelings.

If you haven't read my previous article, Making Marriage Work Part 1: Commitment click here to read.

Learning How To Communicate And How Not to Botch It Up!   click here to read