Another reason people “fall out of love” is because of their attachment style.  This is not the same as personality type or style but rather the healthy versus the unhealthy.  There is a new resurgence with new and updated research on “attachment”, but the main emphasis today is on attachment style in adulthood and how it impacts the relationships we have.

Simple definition of attachment in psychology

A simple definition of attachment can be defined as the manner and depth of emotional bond that a person can create or have with another individual.  The depth of attachment is dependent on the ability for a person to pursue closeness and the level in which a person feels secure when in the presence of the person to which they are forming a bond.  The theory of Attachment explains how a parent-child relationship is formed and influenced resulting in a particular attachment style in future relationships.

In a secure attachment style, healthiest one, a deep and enduring emotional bond is formed between two people in which each seeks closeness and feels more secure when in the presence of the attachment figure.

Why is this important to me?

The reason this is important because it reveals our level of emotional stability and resilience when it comes to having a healthy enduring relationship.  Our bonding ability is closely tied to how our primary care givers ability to be emotionally present with us in childhood as well as the kind of emotional support that we received.  The quality of our childhood and our parental emotional presence has significantly impacted our lives especially when it comes to close and intimate relationships.  We all want stability, dependability, and predictability in our relationships, but are we our own worst enemy?

The need for stability and predictability

Stability and predictability in a relationship is dependent on a few key factors:  the quality of attachment that was formed in our childhood, the quality of our moral values, and understanding the true nature and qualities of love itself.  Without these three we will probably not have long lasting secure relationships that are supportive and stable.  

Taking responsibility 

Be aware that we all need to own our choices, emotions, and style of bonding we have.  It’s not about blame rather about accepting our own flawed style of attachment.  All too often people will go from one extreme to another, from blaming their spouse, to blaming their parents or teacher, or blaming themselves.  Taking ownership is not about blame rather about personal recognition that we are the ones who are acting out and feeling what we are feeling.  It is essential though emotionally painful to come to the place of recognizing that we have faults that we didn’t recognize and failed to see about ourselves.  How easy it is to blame others around us rather than to take responsibility for our own feelings, thoughts and outward behaviours.  If we choose the path of humility then we will want to better ourselves rather than focusing on everyone else’s behaviour towards us.  Painful as it is it is rewarding to be free from the pain of our past, to give up all hope for a better past, to no longer feel the victim, or feel that you are treated unfairly.  Freedom from these tormenting emotions are the reward.

Remember owning your own emotions is critical to the path of peace.  If we choose this road less travelled we will experience the pain of guilt and/or shame.  The good news is that we needed to see this about ourselves so that we can do something about it.  Trying to fix your partner is is a futile endeavour.  Each person in the relationship needs to take responsibility for themselves and remember don’t police your partner.

You can have long lasting love

A person with a secure attachment style is a person who will stay in love and experience long lasting love especially when they have married to a person who also has a secure attachment style.  You may be asking about now, “Who then has this secure attachment style?”  We either develop a secure attachment style in childhood because our parents were able to provide that for us or we can develop a secure attachment style through counselling and therapeutic help.

Staying in love rather than falling out of love has a lot to do with attachment, the quality of our moral values, and understanding the true nature and qualities of love which feeds the feelings of love for your spouse.

Sources:

1.  McLeod, S. A. (2017, Febuary 05). Attachment theory. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.htm

2.  Vinney, Cynthia. “Adult Attachment Styles: Definitions and Impact on Relationships.” ThoughtCo, Aug. 28, 2020, thoughtco.com/adult-attachment-styles-4774974.

Love in trouble can be recognized and resolved if we know what to look for.  There are a number of key things that a person needs to look for in a love relationship that culminates in marriage and that is what my article is about.  Let’s consider the following signs we can see that can reveal to us that our love in marriage is in trouble.

You do not spend quality time together

We grow apart because we no longer spend quality time with our spouse.  If you are like ships passing in the night or simply discussing duties and responsibilities of the household and there is not quality time spent with each other on a daily basis then your marriage is in trouble.

You have to make your spouse the most important person in your life and not just in words or intentions but in real world action.  You have to spend time together talking about heart matters and feelings allowing your partner into your heart and that takes time and communication with no allowable intrusions.

Your fights are harmful

Conflict can and will exist in a loving relationship and it doesn’t mean that the relationship is over as some might think, but how one behaves in conflict makes all the difference as to whether or not you are destroying love in your relationship or helping to resolve and repair differences that each of you might be having with each other.  Harmful fighting is when you are attacking and rejecting your partner that demoralizes them.  Harmful fighting includes rejection of your partner and that can be seen through too much anger that can be seen in expressions that are critical, defensive, disrespectful, and cold. 

Being critical 

How you fight determines whether or not you will have love in your relationship.  You have to avoid criticism that usually involves blaming your partner outrightly in a cruel manner by using such phrases as:  You always… or You never…. I am going to speak my truth… I’m going to give you a piece of my mind… etc.  These types of phrases will destroy love in a relationship.  If you have a complaint be direct about it rather than critical, work to resolve the problem rather than attacking your partner.  

Being defensive

Being defensive when your partner brings up an issue will surely end in miserable failure as this sends a strong signal that they are unimportant and so is their complaint.  Being defensive only escalates the conflict.  The best solution is first to listen without a comeback to validate the person’s complaint and to take some responsibility for the problem even if you feel criticized in some manner.  Being defensive only compounds any problems that exist.

Being disrespectful

Make no excuses for yourself, being disrespectful is contentious by nature as it is full of contempt and possibly filled with mockery or scorn.  Fighting dirty can send a message that you lack good character and have not emotionally matured.  Respect is paramount for your relationship.  Remember no one is greater than the other, you are partners.  Yes, you are different from each other and that is a good thing not a bad thing.  If you are struggling with respecting your partner you don’t have to show it otherwise you become the perpetrator.  It is so important to own your own emotions and feelings that way you won’t become harmful.  Being respectful is key to love and reconciliation.  Work on respect, having a tone of voice that is respectful.  Avoid rolling the eyes, wagging the head, sighing and other body expressions that expresses scorn.  Use words that convey respect though you may not agree.  Build appreciation in your mind and heart think of the good qualities of your partner that which you saw when you were in love.  Build quality, respectful communication with your partner, which will begin turning things around.  It takes work but it is worth it!

Being cold

Being cold, putting up a wall between you and your partner will only escalate the problem and lead to separation.  Being cold sends a message of hatred.  Why? When people communicate there is engagement which allows people to have hope in a relationship though it may be going through a rocky road at the moment.  When we put up a wall this is ultimate rejection.  That being said it is common that men do this more than women and is often the result of feeling overwhelmed.  A solution might be to take a break that is time specific (like a half-hour) that is mutually agreed upon and not dictated.  Don’t take a break for more than a day as this can be stonewalling.  Agree to come together and to communicate with one another in a respectful manner though you are unhappy.  Always take the ownership of your feelings, avoid blaming and criticizing, and being defensive as this will lead to a break down in love and communication.

Lack of honesty

A lack of honesty in marriage will destroy love.  A lack of honest is better known as lying.  Lying is both active and passive.  Active lying is directly telling someone a falsehood, something that is not true or real, whereas passive lying is the withholding of information.  Passive lying occurs when we choose not to communicate information with our partner.  I have been told, “I don’t want to upset my partner so I didn’t tell them about…”. This withholding of information, is probably the result of fear for self protection, which always leads to a worse place in your relationship because it will lead to significant turmoil and a feeling of betrayal in your partner.

If you want intimacy then you have to be openhearted and honest.  Be honest but not hurtful, be truthful but not disrespectful. 

Lack of intimacy

Men and women often look at intimacy as two very different things though it usually culminates into sex.  For a man to feel loved he needs to have sex and for a woman to have sex she needs to feel loved.  Generally speaking, men need their wife to have sex with them on a regular basis, as their physiology is quite different from a woman’s.   Again, generally speaking, Women first need the heart connection where they feel adored or idolized by their partner where they are treated as special which can come through words, touch, and actions of kindness before they want sex.  A man need sex but not just the act of intercourse but to have intimacy in sex where they can experience their wife emotionally engaging with them in sex rather than just being “available”.  A man needs to know that his wife is in-to-him.  Remember if sexual intimacy is not a regular part of your marriage then love in marriage will fail and you will be more like roommates.  You got married for committed intimacy… sex!  Marriage is irrelevant if the relationship is plutonic.

In Conclusion

We can fall out of love because we fail to understand that love is not just a feeling but needs to be actionable.  Love has to be understood as a virtue first in order to continue experiencing the feelings and passions of love in marriage.  Read my last article to further understand this vital  aspect of love,  “Understanding How Love In Marriage Works”.  The virtuous side of love gives stability in a relationship which is vital if you are to keep love out of trouble. 

When we hear the phrase “love in marriage” it can stir up a desire to be married or stir up feelings of hurt and disappointment from a failed marriage or relationship.  We have all looked at the ideal side of love – the passionate feelings of love.  We all want to feel loved!  In almost three decades of counselling couples I have come to the conclusion that our society does not understand the nature of love and how to make it work, which has left many people disappointed about marriage and a happily ever-after.  This is primarily due to a fundamental ignorance of what love is and what it is not.

Passion takes work!  I know you didn’t want to hear that.  In my previous article, Falling Out Of Love – Part 1: Defining Love, I touched on the subject of hormonal highs and what that realistically looks like in a marriage.  We all want the magic!  We all want the fireworks!  The can’t eat, can’t sleep, hit the ball out of the park, kind of love.  Or, is this really love?  We love the hormonal high.  We as humans are pleasure seeking creatures but if that is what we are going to primarily chase in life we will find ourselves in a mental, emotional, physical, and even financial mess at some point unless there is a healthy respect and understanding of what love is.

As previously stated in my last article, I described how love in marriage can be understood as having two sides, the virtuous side and the emotional side.  Understanding the differences between the two and how they work together will give us the outcome that we are looking for, that is, passion in marriage.

It’s important to remember that marriage is an emotional relationship by nature and it can be destroyed through a lack of knowledge and poor choices.

Virtuous side of love

Love is rarely discussed or understood as having a virtuous side to it.  People have a tendency to only view love as as emotional, ie. romantic.  There is a whole day in February given to celebrate the romance of love, St. Valentine’s Day, but what about the virtue of love?

Virtue can be defined as an inner conviction of high moral values where fidelity, integrity, preference and consideration of others takes precedence over baser self-centred desires that are ultimately short-sighted.  In the long run virtuous love will insure that your own needs are met as you met the needs of your spouse.

You may ask, “How will this help me to get the love in my marriage that I need?  When do my needs get met?”  Good question!  Virtue helps us to be more objective in the consideration of the other person’s needs, possibly above our own needs.  If both husband and wife can yield to this inner God-given virtuous love then meeting each others emotional needs will become easier and easier.  

Virtuous love involves humility, compassion, commitment (integrity) and ownership of one’s own feelings and behaviours.  Without the understanding of these virtues, or the understanding of true love then only lust will exist which will lead a person to a place of dissatisfaction, anger, and rejection, casting away that which has true lasting value.

Relationships that fail are the result of selfishness and lust in the heart of one or more of the individuals in the marriage.  It takes courage, integrity of heart and commitment to see a rocky marriage through the rough terrain until the feelings of love are restored.

Remember virtuous love will be focused on meeting your spouse’s emotional needs first and foremost.  When both are committed to virtuous love then the inevitable outcome will be passionate emotional love.  If there is a failure of passionate emotional love then virtuous love has failed to be fully exercised and feelings have become the overbearing taskmaster in your life.  

“It takes two to tango”.   Both parties have to be involved in this process of love with a firm commitment.  Feelings of love do not change overnight, especially if there has been a lot of neglect, hurt, and time that has passed.  Be patient, consistent in love and committed to each other and then you will see results. 

Emotional side of love

The emotional side of love in a marriage is a must since marriage is an emotional relationship. When emotional needs have not been met and love destroying habits have existed, what once was ‘love’ can turn to ‘hate’.  To keep passionate love as a dominant feeling each person needs to meet their spouse’s emotional needs and eliminate love-destroying behaviour.  These needs have been discovered, defined, and detailed in numerous works.  My favourite works of Dr. Willard Harley in the writing of His Needs Her Needs and in Love Busters.  

Meeting each others emotional needs takes virtuous love.  Too often couples believe that they are meant for or not meant for each other based on how the other person “makes them feel”.   In fact feelings can be easily triggered positively or negatively for a variety of reasons and without committing to personally working on your own issues, you probably will end up blaming your partner and giving up on your relationship with them.  

Emotional passion in marriage takes work!  I know you don’t want to believe that because of what you are feeling.  Feelings do try to tell us things but all too often the interpretation of those feelings are deceiving as they lead us to false conclusions which can lead to a trail of broken relationships and disillusionment where marriage is concerned.  

First, you have to own your feelings.  This means you have to realize that your partner is not responsible for how you feel, you are!  They are your feelings whether or not you like them.  Feelings are the result of emotions in your body which you alone experience based on your life’s experiences, and even from your parents starting from in utero on up through your developmental years (0-18 years).  I realize that you may not agree, but more accurately you probably don’t like what you just read because you can no longer play the victim by making your partner responsible for what you feel, ouch!

Yes, I realize that there are abusive and neglectful individuals out there but you have the power of choice.  Unless you are in a pre-arranged marriage you made that choice.  Another important note on abuse, if you feel that your partner is abusive are they truly so or is that your own perception based on your past trauma?  Take the Abuse Test.

Let’s continue on the premise that you were “in love” and now you have “fallen out of love” and you want to gain the feelings of love back in your relationship, after all, this article was written for those couples who want their relationship to work!

In Conclusion

In conclusion, love is more than just a feeling.  Love first must be a virtue or it is simply a hormonal, sexual response that is born from the baser lust within us.  Love must be first virtuous which then by its very nature leads to meeting your spouse’s emotional needs which then creates the feelings of passionate love for one another.  

Be committed to one another, be committed to being a virtuous person, be committed to owning your feelings, be committed to meeting your partner’s emotional needs and be committed to the therapeutic process that can help you to reach the desired goal of restored passionate love in marriage!

Falling in love is such a beautiful thing.  The Hallmark channel and other romantic venues make this their primary focus offering the possibility of a ‘happily ever after’.  Humans have been enraptured with the idea of love ever since their beginning.  The idea of falling in love for most people is understood only as a feeling therefore leaving many without a clear understanding of love.  We as humans need love, want love and pursue love.  Love is one of those words or concepts that is often misunderstood and therefore can leave a trail of broken and bleeding hearts.

All too often I have heard people tell me when they come for marital counselling that their previous relationships that fell apart often involve the words we fell out of love with each other.  This makes it sound like just a happen stance thing with no rhyme nor reason, as though all by chance or simply a thing that is biological in nature.

Ignorance is a destroyer and in this case it destroys relationships, it destroys marriages.  When I dig deeper and help people to better understand love and how it works sharing with them the “secrets” of making love work, then it makes sense and the results speak for itself.  First let’s understand the mechanics love or at least the bare bones of it.

Understanding Love

In our English language we use the word love for various things that we enjoy, have an affection for or a devotion towards.  We can love bananas, love a dog or cat, love our child, love a job, and love your husband/wife.  Love is a word that has numerous different meanings.  In some other languages love does not have only one word but a number of words to define or better describe a particular kind of love.  The Greek language is one such language which essentially has four words for love: agape, phileo, storge, and eros.  These words help to differentiate what kind of love is being expressed when they desire to communicate an affection or affinity towards their object of choice.  Understanding what love is more specifically will help those in a marriage relationship to be more purposed in making love work.  

Agape Love

This word began to emerge in some of the works of Plato approximately 500 years before Christ.  It wasn’t until the time of the writing of the Septuagint and the New Testament of the Bible did this word take on a more distinct meaning that includes not only a devotional type of love but an unconditional, self-sacrificing love to be given to both foe and friend.  This is a virtuous love though can involve deep devotion involving a non-sexual passion.  This love can also be described as an unconditional love, which is divine in nature.

Phileo Love

Also known as philia is a love that denotes brotherly or sisterly love.  It is a mutual friendship type of affection or love.  It is known to be dispassionate in nature and virtuous which can exist between family, friends, and even spouses.  It is a love that is mutually beneficial and can be understood as you scratch my back I scratch yours.   This kind of love we see in other English words such as philanthropy, philology, philoprogenitive, and other words that include “philo” which denotes a liking for a specific thing. Unlike agape this love has conditions because it requires mutual benefit.

Storge Love

This word is used specifically to express non-sexual physical affection that is generally expressed in family and friendship relationships.  Such examples would be the physical care and affection that parents give to their children.  Another example would by giving someone a hug as in a friendship or cultural greeting.

Eros Love

Eros kind of love is passionate and sexual in nature.  It involves a longing, sexual desire, in modern Greek it denotes romantic love.  In ancient Greek it denotes an expression of courting and love in marriage.  Plato used this love to express an appreciation for beauty.  This word we can see used in our English language as in erotic love.  When people refer to falling in love or falling out of love this word would best describe the meaning of those statements.  

Conclusion

When we fall in love or fall out of love our feelings and passions have shifted.  This happens for one or more of these three reasons:

1. All romantic, sexually passionate feelings in a committed marital relationship begin to diminish somewhere between two weeks to two years according to Dr. Patricia Love and Jo Robinson.  This is largely due to the mind and body normalizing itself thereby lowering those hormonal levels.
2. The reason that passion existed either no longer exists or has severely diminished because of the lack of meeting each others emotional needs. 
3. Bad habits that have been repeatedly demonstrated towards your partner in the relationship.  Such bad habits can be understood as love thieves that are a result of selfishness, ignorance, lack of self-control, and/or unresolved past emotional issues in ones life.

To fall in love again is possible and does take effort and often professional help.  In my next article I will discuss how love in marriage works. 

Sources:

1.  Agape. (2019, February 7). New World Encyclopedia, . Retrieved 21:00, December 11, 2019 from //www.newworldencyclopedia.org/p/index.php?title=Agape&oldid=1017946.

2.  Love, Patricia and Robinson, Jo, Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate, Intimate Lovemaking, CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform, 2012.