Abuse counselling
Support for understanding what has happened and finding a way forward.
You deserve to be free from abuse. If you feel trapped, powerless, ashamed or afraid to reach out, you are not alone. There is help, and there is hope.
Abuse can leave a person overwhelmed and struggling with anxiety, depression or the effects of trauma. Counselling provides a place to talk about what has happened and consider the support you need.
Recognizing abuse
Abuse involves harm, intimidation, manipulation or the misuse of power. It can occur at home, at work, at school or in other relationships. The person causing harm may be a partner, family member, friend, neighbour, employer or someone in a position of trust.
Verbal abuse
Verbal abuse can include threats, name-calling, insults, repeated yelling, mocking, accusations and criticism intended to put someone down. Words may be twisted to create fear or undermine a person’s confidence. Threats of violence, abandonment or harm should be taken seriously.
Emotional abuse
Emotional abuse can involve humiliation, isolation, intimidation, controlling decisions, or withholding communication as punishment. A person may be made to feel guilty or ashamed, excluded from support, or repeatedly treated as though their feelings and needs do not matter.
Physical abuse
Physical abuse involves intentionally causing physical pain or harm. It can include assault and depriving a person of their physical needs.
Sexual abuse
Sexual abuse includes forced or coerced sexual activity and sexual contact without consent. Threats, pressure or force may be used to make someone participate in or watch sexual activity that they do not want.
Financial abuse
Financial abuse can involve controlling access to money, withholding financial information, creating financial dependence or misusing assets entrusted to someone. These actions can make it more difficult for a person to make choices or leave an unsafe situation.
When the person causing harm is someone you know
Abuse often occurs within an existing relationship. This can make it difficult to recognize what is happening, speak about it or ask for help. You may care about the person and still be hurt by their behaviour.
Fear, dependence, isolation and concern about what will happen next can leave a person feeling that there is no way out. Reaching out for support can help you consider your options.
Current or past abuse
If abuse is happening now
Your safety matters. Support may include a shelter or other safe place, a helpline, a domestic violence or sexual assault program, and people you can trust. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Ask a specialist support service for help with safety planning, including arrangements for children, essential belongings and safe use of phones and the internet. Consider whether the device you are using is safe before looking for help.
If abuse happened in the past
The relationship may have ended while the effects of what happened remain. Counselling can help you begin to explore these experiences, how they affect your life now and what moving forward could look like for you.
Emotional abuse reflection questions
These questions are for your reflection. Consider what happens in your relationship and how it affects you. We can explore your concerns together.
- Are you put down or made fun of?
- Do you get teased or do they use sarcasm as a way to put you down?
- When you complain about their teasing or sarcasm do they degrade you?
- Do they tell you that your opinion is wrong?
- Are you regularly ridiculed, teased, or put down?
- Are you being treated like a child?
- Are you more frequently than not corrected or criticized?
- Does your partner admit when they are wrong?
- Is your partner willing to adapt to your needs or meet your needs?
- Are you given condescending looks, disapproving and dismissive comments?
- Do they ever have difficulty outrightly apologizing?
- Are they overly sensitive when you say things to them?
- Do they make excuses for their behaviour or blame you for what they have done?
- Do they constantly reject and disrespect your valid requests?
- Do they use the “silent treatment” to punish you or teach you a lesson?
- Do they blame others for their mistakes or problems?
- Does your partner need to put you down in order to build themselves up?
- Do they emotionally and verbally manipulate you?
- Is withdrawal of affection part of a wider pattern of threats, humiliation or control?
- Do they use neglect or abandonment to punish you?
- Do they play the victim?
- Does your partner notice how you feel?
- Do they ever ask you how you feel?
- Are you treated like a separate person, as a unique individual or rather as an extension of themselves?
- Do they respect your boundaries concerning personal information you have shared with them?
- Does your partner feel they have the right to force you to do things?
- Does your partner do things to you sexually that you are not comfortable with though you have told them not to?
- Does your partner try to control your relationships with others?
- Does your partner ever inflict physical pain on you?
- Are you often afraid of your partner?
- Does your partner ever threaten you in any way (killing, suicide, hurting, taking away love, taking away children)?
- Does your partner ever destroy your belongings?
- Does your partner have excessive jealousy or is possessive?
- Do they keep you from your family or friends?
- Does your partner control or limit access to money, phone or vehicle?
- Do they constantly check up on you?
Bullying, control and intimacy
Ongoing withdrawal from sexual intimacy can be a serious concern in a marriage. It may leave one or both spouses feeling hurt or disconnected and deserves an honest, caring conversation. We can explore what is contributing to the difficulty, including health, pain, stress, differences in desire or unresolved hurt.
This information is for informational purposes only.
Either partner can freely decline sex or change their mind, including in marriage. Declining sex alone is not abuse. You do not owe sex to prevent anger, rejection or mistreatment.
- Are you repeatedly bullied, intimidated or made afraid so that you give in or stop making your own choices?
- Can you say no to sex or change your mind without pressure, threats, guilt or punishment?
- Are threats, humiliation or withdrawal of everyday care and communication being used to make you comply?
- When closeness changes, could differences in desire, health concerns, pain, stress or unresolved hurt be involved?
Needing space after hurt or betrayal does not make you responsible for someone else’s abusive behaviour. Consider what is happening and whether your boundaries are respected. You deserve to feel safe.
If these questions raise concerns, reach out for support. You deserve to be heard and to be free from abuse.
Explore James’ approach
Read about EMDR therapy and James’ approach, then discuss what support is appropriate for your circumstances.
Meet James
Sources for the consent and relationship context
- Public Health Agency of Canada. What is family violence?
- RAINN. Consent 101: Respect, Boundaries, & Building Trust.
- Cambridge University Hospitals NHS Foundation Trust. Chronic pain and intimacy.