Changing your feelings are a very real possibility but it does take three things to change your feelings, 1. Educating yourself about feelings, cognition, adverse life experiences, and obtaining tools you need to move forward.  2. Change in your habits.  3.  Professional counselling, coaching, and just some honest to goodness therapy.

1. Become informed

Educating yourself to better understand yourself is primary because not knowing why you feel the way you feel and what to do about it can be a frightening thing.  Knowledge is powerful because it can help disarm the fear of the unknown and help you to do something about what you are feeling.  You can educate yourself through reading some good materials that you can get from the library, online, bookstores, courses, or even through a professional therapist.

2. Form new habits

To feel better we have to change our habits.  It is quite obvious that we have physical habits like brushing your teeth, eating habits, even bad habits like negative talk.  Habits are formed from observation, inundation, and self-discipline.  In order for new habits to form we need to first be in the know as mentioned above, educate yourself.  New habits can only be formed when we can recognize that the habits we now have are harmful and detracting from our life.  From there we need someone other than ourselves to show us how and what we should stop doing and start doing.  For example almost anyone can swing a golf club, but if you don’t have proper form than you will never become a good golfer.  Practicing the wrong thing even though you might think it is the right thing still produces frustration.  A professional coach will demonstrate and instruct the right way of golfing but will also observe how you stand, your physical posture, position of hands and feet, the way you swing, and so much more.  So it is in real life we all need someone who can observe us in a critical way that is helpful.  Yes, critical.  There is so much today on “No Judgement”, that we have lost context of that meaning.  Judgement can be both good and bad.  Bad judgement is when a person is put down or damned to a place of impossibility where insults reside, but good judgement is where compassion and truth can preside which corrects a person’s habits and behaviours so that the person can excel in life and in this case our feelings.

Habits are both external and internal, actually all external habits are a result of internal habits of thoughts and feelings.  Some things we can outright stop while other things we need to start doing a new thing in order to stop doing an old things.  For example try and count from 1 to 100 in your mind while verbally out loud say the alphabet, the result will be that you will stop counting because you have verbally engaged in saying something different than what you are thinking.  Yes you change what you are feeling by changing your focus, your imaginations, thoughts, and what you are saying.  Often this takes help from others as well as some self-disciplines put into place.

3. Professional counselling

Professional and qualified assistance and help is important to our wellbeing.  As mentioned earlier to be a better golfer you need a coach who can help you to achieve that.  Why do we have someone else cut and style our hair?  Usually it is because they can see better how to cut and treat our hair.  Why do we hire professional services such as mechanics, plumbers, electricians, physical trainers, dieticians, physicians, s, etc.?  We do so because each person has been divinely gifted and professional trained and educated to perform their “art” to better our lives in some manner.  Why would we not get the help we need for our emotional and mental wellbeing?  After all isn’t the proverb true that says, “As a person thinks in their heart so is he/she?”  Our quality of life come first and foremost from within what we experience externally in adulthood is often the result of core beliefs and a challenging EQ (Emotional Quotient).  A mental health therapist, , psychiatrist, psychotherapist, counsellor, and Social Worker are qualified to aid people in this area of mental and emotional health.

At New Hope Counselling Centre we can help you to form new habits, overcome old ones, and change your overall mood.  We can help.  Call us today!

Serving Burlington, Hamilton, Oakville, Milton, Mississauga, St. Catharines and surrounding areas.

Why Am I Emotionally Unstable or Unavailable?

Our emotional stability has a lot to do with emotional resilience which is a combination of nurture versus nature, but nature in early development of the child both in utero and after birth plays a major role as the perception of its environment is taken on by the nature of the child or genes if you will.  This study and theory is known as epigenetics.  

In neo-natal state, new born, the child begins learning at a rapid rate through its environmental stimulus, its surroundings.  The child learns how their mother and father respond to their environmental stimulus whether safe or unsafe.  Studies of this nature have been observed by a growing number of scientists and those in the medical field some of them include Dr. Bruce Lipton, Dr. Daniel Siegel, Dr. Pat Ogden, Dr. Nigel Plummer, and significantly Dr. Stephen Porges, and some others.  

Brain wave states of learning and consciousness

Brain waves are measured by using EEG readings also known as electroencephalography.  There are four main waves to be observed:  Delta, Theta, Alpha, and Beta.

Ages of development corresponding to brain waves found in the developing brain are as follows:

Birth – 2 years of age is when Delta waves are observed which are 0.5-4 Hz.  In this stage of development their level of consciousness is more like an sleep like state when dreams occur.  That is why some people report that their memories of this stage in life is questionable and often wonder if they imagined it or if it really happened.  Memory is there and needs to be understood when it comes to life events and how it might have impacted you into adulthood.

2 – 6 years of age is when Theta waves are seen and become dominant which are 4-8 Hz and their level of consciousness is much like a half asleep to half awake adult state.  In the Theta brainwave state children are very imaginative and can live out make believe scenarios, where creativity, insights and daydreaming are the norm.

6-8 years of age is when Alpha brainwaves become observable and functional which is a frequency of 8-13 Hz.  In this state is when we experience physical and mental relaxation.  For a child though they are not quite aware of things as yet especially of time, such as yesterday, today and tomorrow or when you tell them to wait a minute they think it is never.  

8-12 years of age is when Beta brainwaves become observable and functional which is a frequency of 13-32 Hz.  When the brain matures to this level then the child will begin to become consciously alert, and will engage in active thinking.  For example that is when they can begin to engage in active and meaningful conversation, begin to make decisions, problem solving, focusing on a task and able to begin learning a new concept.  This is the beginning of conscious and analytical thinking.

The brain matures somewhere around the age of 25 but has a number of changes throughout our life.  What we do in adulthood determines whether or not we can attain to peace, hope, satisfaction, and contentment. 

What may have had an imperfect childhood does not mean that you are doomed there is hope for you.  The beauty of the brain is that it can be changed but it does take a number of therapeutic interventions to make this happen.

Changing our behaviour 

In childhood our behaviour is programmed through what Dr. Bruce Lipton calls “a simple stimulus-response mechanism.”  We learn from outward perceptions, parental behaviours, parental emotional states, parental attachment styles, which includes even complex social interactions.  All of these things contribute to the programming of a child’s subconscious behaviour which causes them to conform to the beliefs of their community or social world, specifically their “family life”.

Why am I so emotionally unstable?

The question “Why am I so emotionally unstable?”  is a loaded question as it can have many reasons some of which can include:

• in utero emotional upsets of the mother
• mother’s use of drugs or substances before and during pregnancy
• lack of emotional attunement to the child 
• lack of healthy parental response to a child’s distress
• traumatic events such as war, rape, drugs, terrorism, parental conflicts, yelling, swearing, physical violence, emotional drama, hysteria, parental PTSD, poverty, loss of loved ones, loss of security such as homelessness, and much more.

You can have emotional resiliency and stability through therapies like EMDR.  James Miklos is a Certified EMDR Therapist and can help you to move forward.  Contact us today and book your appointment to help you to move forward.  

We can feel emotionally sensitive because we have been disappointed, harmed and or neglected in life especially in childhood as childhood is very impactful as it influences the rest of our earthly life.  When we have not felt emotionally safe in childhood then we will have difficulty feeling safe in adult hood. If we feel needy in adulthood it could be because our basic needs in childhood were not met.

Emotional resiliency 

Emotional resilience starts in utero where the internal environment for the child specifically through blood and nerves through the umbilical cord are transmitted from the mother to the child.  When a mother is feeling calm, safe, and loved the child will also feel the same, when the mother is feeling distressed, unloved, or in danger then the child will experience that as well.  Yes, the child is learning emotions from their mother on a physical level but much deeper than that the child’s gene’s are being programmed to better live in the outer world environment when they are born.  This happens whether or not the mother’s emotional responses are accurate to the environment or not.

Further to that emotional resilience comes when we in childhood were emotionally tended to when we were in distress.  If our parents were quick to meet our emotional needs in childhood where they were able to emotionally rescue us and soothe us then in adulthood we would be less emotionally sensitive or we would be less emotional as some put it.

Emotions are meant to be flexible where we can bounce back.  Better to be flexible than broken.  Some times that is easier said than done.  Emotional resilience is essential for good living.  To attain to greater emotional resilience we have to have help.  Self-helps can help but often is not enough. Before we blame others for our hurts and lack of happiness let us go on a journey that will bring strength, resilience, and happiness.  Yes it takes work but you are worth it !  Check out the various therapies that James Miklos uses to help people:

EMDR

EFT

Life Coaching

At New Hope Counselling Centre your happiness and emotional wellbeing is our goal.   Call us today!

Serving Burlington, Hamilton, Oakville, Milton, Mississauga, St. Catharines and surrounding areas.

For us to better function better in our life, marriage, and work we need to be able to identify emotions.

Life Enhancing Emotions 

We can now observe the opposites to these emotions:  

• Guilt and shame is opposite to Pride
• Self-pity to Gratitude
• Disgust to Happiness
• Fear to Curiosity
• Anger to Compassion
• Sadness and grief to Loved

Pride

There are a few definitions for pride but in this case we are understanding it in the context of self-respect where good feelings of pleasure, satisfaction, admiration and delight that arises out of ones accomplishments, abilities, qualities, and possessions that one has.  We get energy and thrive when we experience the good that comes from us, our talents and achievements.  When we feel proud we want to keep doing it and keep doing better and if we need to problem solve we can better tackle it.  This also gives us self-confidence.  Pride gives us confidence where we want to shine and be seen where guilt and shame compels us to feel less than where we want to withdraw and hide and possibly lie.

Gratitude

When we experience something good that is around us, given to us, or done for us we experience and feel appreciation.  The pleasure of contentment of benefits received.  Gratitude is something that we feel when we recognize good that has come to us and is expressed through words of appreciation and thanks.  We could also described it as when we are pleased.  When people are stuck in self-pity or a victim mentality all too often they cannot experience gratitude.  New studies have shown that gratitude is liberating and therapeutic in nature as are all Life Enhancing Emotions or Positive Emotions.  Self-pity is about self and the internal expense of ones self where you are the focus where gratitude is about others and the things around us, it is external and where the focus is on the good of creation, others, and what we have.

Happiness

Happiness comes from experiences that are pleasurable and have brought us contentment, joy, it is a state of well-being and contentment.  There are various levels of happiness that can range from contentment to ecstasy and euphoria.  When we enjoy something the experience regenerates us and refreshes us and promotes well being.  As in all emotions there are healthy and unhealthy sources and expressions of them.  Happiness draws that person, object or experience closer to ones self where disgust strongly rejects the such.

Curiosity

The emotion of curiosity is a complex one, but simply put it is the desire to learn and to know.  This emotion arises when we have a sense of safety and a hunger to grow as a person, this is more a felt sense.  Science has shown us that our brain makes new cells whenever we have a stimulating environment to think, feel, learn, hear, see, taste, touch, smell, and do something.  Unlike lust curiosity’s desire is to learn.  Curiosity is when we want to figure things out where we are inquisitive.  Curiosity moves forward where fear withdraws.

Compassion

Being compassionate or loving is a feeling we have towards others which helps us to grow and helps others to grow.  Compassion also helps us to feel satisfied and calm.  Compassion is a feeling and expression that touches our environment and others around us.  Compassion or loving is an emotional expression of great care, fondness, devotion, adoration, affection, warmth tenderness, mercy, understanding and concern.  Just like holding in or pushing away anger or sadness is not healthy for us neither is holding in compassion or feelings of love.  Love isn’t love until you give it away as the saying goes.  We feel it a greater more rewarding way when we allow ourselves to feel and express compassion and love.  Unlike anger that fights compassion helps and aids.  

Loved

When we feel loved we feel important and special which is meaningful to us because we feel nurtured and nourished in our sense of self.  When we feel loved we then begin to attach to another person.  We feel cherished where we feel held in deep affection.  When we feel loved we feel attracted and attractive to those who are loving and caring for us.  We feel connected to other people.  Healthy touch is a loving touch that is nourishing to our mind and body.  It is found that Oxytocin is secreted when we are touched in a loving way.  Loving touch is calming.  Loving words and and looks cause us to feel important and loved and loveable we are.  When we feel loved we grow stronger in our sense of self, securer in a relationship, where we can thrive where in contrast when we experience sadness and grief we feel weaker, less secure, more unstable, an emptiness and as though something has died or is dying in us.

Positive emotions or life enhancing emotions are a gift from above and when we are able to experience them more we are healthier, live longer, have better relationships, and become more resilient in life.  We need to work on these things and we can do that through therapies such as:

>> EMDR Therapy

>> Emotional Freedom Techniques Therapy

>> Psychosomatic Energetics 

>> Fraser’s Dissociative Table Technique 

At New Hope Counselling Centre we have the compassion, the hope and importantly the therapeutic approach that can help you to improve your happiness, marriage, healthy living, bringing you hope for a better tomorrow.  Call us today!

Serving Burlington, Hamilton, Oakville, Milton, Mississauga, St. Catharines and surrounding areas.