Humility? You may be wondering what that has to do with marriage. Without humility there can not be true love in a marriage neither can you ever effectively communicate with one another. Nobody is born humble. Humility is choice, a choice that is made whenever an attitude within yourself or your partner arises. Humility makes a person lovable and attractive.

What is humility?

Humility has often been framed in a spiritual or religious framework which has its merits. That being said, humility is not just a cognitive process but is also a heart (core belief) motivated action.

Webster’s 1828 online dictionary gives one definition of humble as: Lowly; modest; meek; submissive; opposed to proud, haughty, arrogant or assuming.

Chambers English Dictionary, 1988 edition defines humility as, the state or quality of being humble: lowliness of mind: modesty and further defines humble as, low: lowly: modest: unpretentious: having a low opinion of oneself.

Just to clarity the word humility refers to a quality where the word humble refers to the one having and acting in humility.

What can humility in a marriage look like? It would mean to defer to your partner rather than putting yourself, your opinions, and your needs first. Humility has confidence in ones self because a humble person is a person of confidence and is not easily threatened. Humility is a choice where a person puts themselves into a loving submissive position to put your partner’s needs first and thinking about them before yourself. Acknowledging you’re not always right is key to being humble and is a key to making marriage work. The humble also acknowledge that they are not always right and is not seeking to draw attention to themselves.

Humility in marriage

I could use many examples of what it could look like and what it definitely does not look like, but this would probably have to be a book. Here are some key attributes of what humility can look like in marriage.

Empathic non-judgmental listening

Take time to listen to your spouse without any inner or outer judgment, criticism, or the formulation of your argument as to how you disagree with them. Remember humility is not seeking to defend itself and prove the other person wrong. Humility involves compassion where you are seeking to understand what your partner is feeling, thinking, and experiencing and how you can help them to feel validated and loved

Expressions of gratitude

Always express gratitude to your spouse for numerous things. On a daily basis I express, with the words of my mouth, my gratitude to my wife for who she is and what she does and has done. I express gratitude for all the love she has shown me throughout the years of our relationship.
Received constructive criticism. Regularly seek feedback from your spouse. In my marriage I regularly ask my wife for feedback on my behaviour, the meeting of her needs, and life choices. I have nothing to lose because I am confident in myself feeling secure. My wife also is not a critical person but is very respectful of me and how she talks to me. Remember, both people in a marriage need to practice humility. Allow honest correction to be given. This leads me to my next point.

Personal growth

Remain in a state of constant growth. When we become adults we all too often feel there is no more personal improvement needed. Personal improvement, learning, growth require humility but also produce for us a better life and a better self. No one is perfect so why act like you are and believe that it’s your spouse that needs to do the changing? Be teachable and you will be astounded in your personal growth.
Seek help. Asking for help. Humility is not threatened by the lack of knowledge but asks for help. Asking for help is part of humility. Sometimes we may feel “dum” to ask a question or get help, but I have learned that you cannot succeed at anything especially marriage when you don’t ask for help. Guys! We are not supermen, we are men who choose to be big enough to ask for help. Women love humble men and humble does not mean weak but rather it represents care.

Be respectful

Be respectful. Use kind language. Being humble is being kind. Humility speaks with clarity, assertiveness, truth, and kindness along with respect. Humility is a choice and you can choose to be respectful without trying to justify your own bad behaviour.

Love, acceptance, and forgiveness

Accepting of yourself and your partner. Love, acceptance and forgiveness are the three needed to demonstrate humility. We need to have these 3 for ourselves as well as for your spouse. Without these three your marriage will fail.

Deferring to your partner

Deference is a word not used nearly as much as it needs to be used. Because, marriage is an emotional relationship humility expressed as deference is essential because if both do not practice deference then resentment and hatred can become the emotional mainstay resulting in a lousy marriage or divorce. Deference is an inner choice where we take a step back inwardly, where we choose to hold our tongue and listen. Outwardly this could look like an invitation to talk, allowing your partner to have their say while inwardly we are trying to understand where they are coming from. Deference will more than likely prevent unhealthy conflict in marriage.

Conclusion

Without humility marriage will probably fail. It takes humility to heal a marriage and keep a marriage. Nobody likes a know-it-all, someone who feels they are almost always right about things. Remember we are not that good and neither are we mostly right and our partner is mostly wrong. If you can’t get over yourself you can’t heal your marriage. Humility is the conduit for healing and keeping a marriage healthy. Nobody is born humble, humility is a choice and more than likely a choice that needs to be made several times in a day. Practice humility and you will have more love, more favour and more of good things in your life and marriage.

In my next article I will be looking at the next key – Owning Your Feelings.

Suggested reading:

If you haven’t read my previous article, Making Marriage Work Part 1: Commitment click here to read.

Learning How To Communicate And How Not to Botch It Up!   click here to read

Disclaimer:  This article is not meant to diagnose, treat nor is it any kind of conclusive evidence, this article is simply the opinion of the author.  This article is meant for personal reflection and inspiration only.

Sources:

Humble: http://webstersdictionary1828.com/Dictionary/humble

https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ps/humility.html

When coming to marriage counselling there are some essential things that need to be understood in order for marriage counselling to work.  Marriage counselling is for those who want their marriage to work though there may be some emotional uncertainty around it.  

Doing marriage counselling for few decades has given me some insight on what works and what doesn’t work when it comes to helping a marriage thrive.  Through my research and practice I have realized that 3 key elements are needed from the onset in order to succeed, commitment, humility, and personal ownership of your feelings.

This article focuses on commitment.  Commitment looks different to different people and can hold various definitions in peoples’ minds therefore I want to help you to see what it should look like in order to have successful recovery in your marriage.

Commitment to your marriage

With divorce and separation rates climbing these days commitment in the western world is a term that is quite fluid.  Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines commitment as: an agreement or pledge to do something in the future; something pledged.  Does that sound familiar?  Do you recall when you verbally said your vows in the marriage ceremony and said in agreement, “I do”? These two words in a marriage ceremony is the verbal contract.  These are the words which confirmed your commitment to one another – unless of course you meant to lie about it.

I have observed that couples that fight to keep their marriage are couples who put the effort into working things out; whereas those who take an approach of ‘wait and see’  rarely will work out their differences.  How many other things in life work successfully if we take a wait and see approach?  I would say that most things don’t work out at all with that attitude.  In sports, academics, fitness, weight loss, just to mention a few areas, your efforts are never successful without a firm commitment that involves a do-or-die attitude.  Relationships take work.  Just having a romantic interlude or casual sex doesn’t require any work because desire and pleasure is driving you.  If our approach is simply to have pleasure and nothing else then marriage won’t work.  Some research has shown that those involved in a committed monogamous relationship begin with a hormonal high and after a period ranging from 2 weeks to 2 years the hormonal high subsides.  What does this mean?  It means that you were on your own emotional drugs and now you are sober.  Commitment in your marriage involves a resolute decision to reclaim the feelings of love you once had.  Love is spelt W-O-R-K.  

Commitment to the counselling process

Another important commitment that is needed to succeed in restoring love in your marriage is the commitment to the counselling process.  All too often couples will come in with serious marital issues and will give up usually after coming for 1 to 6 sessions.  Imagine if you went to the gym and thought that way, or that you could complete a degree in university by putting in just a few hours.  You might say that’s ridiculous, it takes much more effort and commitment to succeed.  Then, how is it that you can expect the single most important relationship you will ever have in this earthly life, to be fixed and restored? How to love your spouse? How to communicate effectively?  How to meet your spouse’s needs?  Do these things just happen?  If you think that it is no wonder you are having problems.  Anything that is worth having and fighting for takes time, money, education, training, and practice.  

When you start off with counselling you may encounter a week of sudden bliss or all of a sudden it gets even worse!  This is NORMAL!  But, the key is to be committed through this process, remember it is a process.  There is no magic wand, miracle pill or the like, making marriage work takes committed work on several levels which includes learning, problem solving, learning to listen better, learning to speak better, putting aside yourself and becoming compassionate towards your partner.

How long will it take?  This is something I frequently hear from people.  This depends on the level of commitment from each person in the relationship.  When you are in this process you need to set work aside, other friends aside, parents aside, set your money concerns aside (a lawyer is much more expensive), and time aside for regular sessions, spending quality time with your spouse, time for reading, learning, practicing  – all in order to succeed.

Are you ready for commitment ?

If you will become as committed as an olympic athlete you will succeed in having a marriage that will be exciting, invigorating, and amazing.

Commitment is one of the most important keys to making marriage counselling and marriage work.

In my next article I will be looking at the next key – humility.

Suggested reading:  (>Click Here<) Falling Out Of Love – Part 2: Understanding How Love In Marriage Works

Disclaimer:  This article is not meant to diagnose, treat nor is it any kind of conclusive evidence, this article is simply the opinion of the author.  This article is meant for personal reflection and inspiration only.

Sources:

1.  Commitment: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/commitment

Everyone wants to feel loved that is one big reason you decided to get married.  But, with so many definitions and thoughts about love it can get a bit confusing.  I cannot address all the aspects of “feeling loved” but I can give you a slice of the pie.

First, let’s consider the differences between men and women.  In order for a man to feel loved he needs to have sexual intimacy.  In order for a woman to want to have sex she needs to feel loved.  These two statements at first may seem confusing but that’s how it works in marriage.

She needs to feel loved to have sex

Though sex is physical and involves physical touch and physical sensation but it is much more than that, especially for a woman, it is emotional in nature.  In order for your wife to want to have sex and be emotionally available she needs to feel loved.  You are probably wondering by now what that might look like.  Here is a short and concise list that can help you better understand what feeling loved for a woman may look like.

The love needs of a woman

A woman needs to be…

• Spoken to with a kindness and compassion.
• Touched in a gentle and thoughtful manner.
• Gently and thoughtfully treated with various acts of kindness.
• Given thoughtful gifts such as flowers.
• Spending quality time her husband where each of you can talk and gaze into each others eyes.
• Helped in the time of need, including around the house (knight in shining armour).
• Shown respect through words, tone, and actions.
• Taken care of where she can feel safe which can include being provided for and/or supported. She wants a responsible working man.
• Told the truth.  She needs her husband to be open and honest with her which will allow her to open up to her partner accordingly.
• Committed to.  Another attractive feature for a woman is when a man shows family commitment and values.

This list is in no way an unabridged list but it does cover the majority of feeling loved issues that a woman may have.  When a woman feels loved then she will be more receptive and responsive to sex.

He needs to have sex to feel loved

Sex is what seriously distinguishes the difference between being married and just being friends.  The biggest sex organ you have is your brain.  It takes healthy thinking to have healthy sex. If a woman is not willing and emotionally engaged in sex with her husband then he will not feel loved. 

I have had numerous clients come in where the man has asked his wife to spend time with him, to be more affectionate, even if she wasn’t open about sex, but in every single situation, deep down inside of every man, that is physiologically healthy, he wants to have sex and as frequently as daily or at least every other day.  I have had men tell me that they would be happy even if they had sex once a week! 

Why are men and women different?

Men and woman are different.  They are different physically, in shape, in skin construction, sexual reproductivity, hormonally, and even in their brain function.  Men and women were meant to be different.  Different in this case is good because it is like the Ying to the Yang, shoes and socks, bread and butter, and spaghetti and meatballs.  It is not about being like each other but rather the complimentary differences of each other.  For example, men are predominantly stimulated by sight, where woman are predominately stimulated by touch, even though both can enjoy both experiences.

Men’s sexual physiology leads to a sperm and semen build up approximately every 24 to 48 hours which triggers the brain for sex.  Besides that men think about sex at least 10 times more in a day than woman do.  Women’s sexual arousal is not the result of any build up of fluid but rather the build up of love and support coming from her partner.

Why do sport channels appeal to men than to women and the Hallmark channel more to women than to men? It’s all about the emotional and sexual make up of men versus women.  Bottom line is that we need to better understand each other and take time to do so, because that can lead to a fulfilling marriage and love life.

Men’s sexual needs can include:

• The obvious is having sexual intercourse.
• A woman’s emotional connection with her husband where she is in to him during times of sexual intimacy.
• A wife having a Submissive attitude and disposition in sex.
• A woman who is actively engaged in foreplay.
• Where a woman is being creative in sexual activities.
• Understanding what is mutually satisfying.
• Bonding – no man or woman wants to be second fiddle to anybody else.  Marriage is to be exclusive of all others.

Feeling loved in marriage

In conclusion, feeling loved by your partner is critical and it is a life long effort.  Love is not automatic and does need care and maintenance.  Falling out of love is the result of self-centredness where each person thinks it should just happen or it should just be.  When you wanted each other you put in the effort that is why you were “in love” with each other.  To have the same passion of love takes that kind of effort with constant gratitude for each other.

In order for a man to feel loved he needs to have sex.  In order for a woman to want to have sex she needs to feel loved.  If you can remember this, invest in your marriage, be grateful for one another, show love and respect to each other you can have a fulfilling passionate marriage relationship.

To get the most out of therapy takes a few steps of preparation.  Since you are probably paying for your therapy or counselling sessions it would be prudent to come prepared to listen, participate, and to talk.

It’s important to understand that your therapist is not a magician or miracle worker though they are skilled individuals that have been trained to help connect with, be compassionate, be a good listener and facilitator in helping you with your problems.

Finding the right therapist for you can take some investigation as well as spending some of your money.  Though I am a therapist myself, I too have pursued therapy and though I am trained in this field I understand that after I have done my due diligence to search out the type of therapist I would like to see that I may end up not resonating with the therapist, this happens and that’s okay.  Be sure though to look at yourself especially if you have seen numerous therapists and have only stayed with them for a short period of time.  If possible before you book your first appointment try to find out what is the therapist’s style, what is the process that the therapist wants to take you through, be open-minded, investigate, and ask questions.  Remember nobody is perfect and no therapist can read your mind.  If your personalities don’t connect well then it may be best to pursue another therapist.

• Know that you need help, don’t come because you want to fix someone else.
• Take some notes, at least some mental notes, of what you want to discuss with your therapist from the onset of the session.
• If you have had other therapy/counselling sessions be sure that you have followed through and completed or practiced your given assignments.
• Be aware that getting upset with your progress may not be your therapist’s issue it could be your own anxiety issues projecting onto your therapist, therefore be ready to own your own stuff and take personal responsibility for your progress.  If you need to let your therapist know about your frustrations concerning your progress let them know kindly and clearly.
• Therapy is a journey more than a process or an assembly line of treatment.  Going faster sometimes means moving slower.  Relax knowing that this time is for you.

To have successful therapy it is important to note that not every session will be revolutionary or life changing but rather your consistent participation in the process will build a therapeutic momentum transpiring in overall healing and even exceptional healing moments.

Once you leave a session notice what happened, what you said, what the therapist said, what you learned, how you felt, what you need to discuss further and possibly even give your therapist some feedback to gain further clarification, especially if you didn’t like something that transpired during the session.

We can feel emotionally sensitive because we have been disappointed, harmed and or neglected in life especially in childhood as childhood is very impactful as it influences the rest of our earthly life.  When we have not felt emotionally safe in childhood then we will have difficulty feeling safe in adult hood. If we feel needy in adulthood it could be because our basic needs in childhood were not met.

Emotional resiliency 

Emotional resilience starts in utero where the internal environment for the child specifically through blood and nerves through the umbilical cord are transmitted from the mother to the child.  When a mother is feeling calm, safe, and loved the child will also feel the same, when the mother is feeling distressed, unloved, or in danger then the child will experience that as well.  Yes, the child is learning emotions from their mother on a physical level but much deeper than that the child’s gene’s are being programmed to better live in the outer world environment when they are born.  This happens whether or not the mother’s emotional responses are accurate to the environment or not.

Further to that emotional resilience comes when we in childhood were emotionally tended to when we were in distress.  If our parents were quick to meet our emotional needs in childhood where they were able to emotionally rescue us and soothe us then in adulthood we would be less emotionally sensitive or we would be less emotional as some put it.

Emotions are meant to be flexible where we can bounce back.  Better to be flexible than broken.  Some times that is easier said than done.  Emotional resilience is essential for good living.  To attain to greater emotional resilience we have to have help.  Self-helps can help but often is not enough. Before we blame others for our hurts and lack of happiness let us go on a journey that will bring strength, resilience, and happiness.  Yes it takes work but you are worth it !  Check out the various therapies that James Miklos uses to help people:

EMDR

EFT

Life Coaching

At New Hope Counselling Centre your happiness and emotional wellbeing is our goal.   Call us today!

Serving Burlington, Hamilton, Oakville, Milton, Mississauga, St. Catharines and surrounding areas.

Three Ways To Communicate

According to Transactional Analysis there are three states or ways of communicating in marriage.  Observe below:

1. Parent to Child
2. Child to Parent
3. Adult to Adult

The best mode of communication is when a couple communicates Adult to Adult as seen in number 3.  This way of communicating keeps the relationship respectful and helps to keep the affection active towards each other.  When the relationship becomes hierarchal then the communication in the relationship creates pain resulting in a lack of healthy affection for each other.

Hierarchal Communication

When a person speaks to their spouse in a manner that is coming from a condescending, domineering position then the mode of communication can be seen as in #1, above.  This position causes a rift in respect and will distance your partner from you emotionally if not physically.  This position is a position of control and the need to dominate even if the tone is not aggressive.  Notice this example of communication:

Parent to Child: “Why do I have to keep telling you to clean the litter box?  After all this time of having a cat you think that I wouldn’t have to remind you.”

The response could look like (notice style), Child to Parent:  “Well after all this time of being married why don’t you do it yourself since it bothers you.”

One person is talking down to the other while the other reacts like a child.  An enlightened spouse coming from an Adult mode of communicating could sound like:

Adult to Parent:  “I have remembered to clean the litter box and I will tend to it once I have finished eating.”

Ideal Marriage Communication

The ideal way of communicating could look something like this:

Adult to Adult:  “Honey, please remember to clean the litter box today as it is beginning to smell and that’s not good for our health.”

Adult to Adult response could be:  “No problem sweetie, you’re exactly right.”

An Exercise To Develop Healthy Marriage Communication

Find a way of practicing Adult to Adult communication.  Here are some steps to consider:

1. Think before you speak as much of poor communication is the result of habit and emotional triggers.
2. Agree with one another that whenever one of you feels patronized, or talked down to that you can ask your partner the simple words, “Parent-Child?” With a wink or raised eyebrow.  
3. Then allow your partner to retry their communication so that it becomes Adult to Adult communication.
4. Allow your partner to give you feedback, of course all communication must be respectful (Adult mode).

Such skills may need further honing, further coaching and even counselling.  If you fail at succeeding possibly then the emotional brain needs some help to process things through where healing can take place so that communication can be a wonderful experience in your marriage.

If you need further marriage counselling please reach out to us and begin your healing and journey of recovery.

>> Marriage and Couples Counselling

At New Hope Counselling Centre we can help you to improve your marital bliss through by building good communication skills.  Bringing you hope for a better tomorrow.  Call us today!

Serving Burlington, Hamilton, Oakville, Milton, Mississauga, St. Catharines and surrounding areas.

Women need to feel from their husband a gentle feeling of fondness; affection if you will.  They crave gentleness, tenderness, warmth, devotion, endearment, where they feel cared for.

Affection can be expressed in numerous ways.  Some of these ways can include: physical, non-sexual affection like hugs, kisses, holding of the hands, a gentle touch as you are near her.  Other ways can include a gentle tone of voice, words that create in her a sense of endearment.  Gifts given and helping out can express this as well but in a more limited sense when it comes to affection.  Affection needs to be intimate and emotionally connecting, meaning, it needs to be from sincerity of the heart.  (Find out more how you can have the marriage you dreamed of).

I have found that women generally desire and appreciate affection in one of three ways:

1. Physical non-sexual touch
2. Verbal words of love and affirmation
3. Both of the above

Physical Touch

Few key points will help you to understand what your partner needs and how to meet it.  Some men have reported to me that their wife doesn’t respond well to non-sexual touch, there are numerous reasons for this.  A few of these reasons can be that your timing is off, for example she is in the kitchen getting supper ready and you approach her from behind and want to express affection to her but she rejects you or ignores you, your timing needs to improve as well as your communication.  Remember just because you want it doesn’t mean that your partner does at that moment.  Communication such as asking her before you touch, waiting for the right moment when she’s done her task then approach her.  Remember women do not like it when men just want sex or are emotionally needy and that’s why they are touching them.

Intimate touch can also include things like direct eye contact with a look of love.  A loving gaze into each others eyes is important, even a loving playful wink, or blowing of a kiss.

physical affection can also include:

• kissing
• nibbling on your partner’s ear
• playing footsies
• briefly rubbing your partner’s back
• holding hands
• sitting close to each other where you are making physical contact with each other
• cuddling
• hugging
• ticking your spouse’s arm
• walking with each other’s arms around each other’s waist

Physical closeness and healthy touches of endearment are crucial to igniting love in your marriage and definitely in your wife.

Words of Affection

Words of affection involve predominantly two areas of expression.

1.   Praise – Words of praise involve the expression of gratitude and affection concerning things that she does.  Things like, “You are an amazing cook!”  “You always dress nice.”  “You are always so good at organizing.”  “You are a good mother to my children.”  The list goes on and on, but the key point here is that these words of expression are directed towards telling her all the amazing things she does.

2.   Adoration – Words of adoration involve expressions of love for who she is rather than what she has done.  Such words can be, “I love your blue eyes.”  “You are so beautiful.”  “I love your cute smile.”  “The way you walk is so elegant.”  “You are brilliant.”  There are numerous choices of such expressions you can say to her.  Words of adoration are important because each woman wants to feel that she is the centre of your universe.

Conclusion

Just like sexual intimacy is a man’s number one need so is affection for women.  Without affection a woman will not respond well and her number one need won’t be met.  Yes, there are other key factors to meeting your wife’s needs but his one is number one.  Often men need to be coached along these lines which then helps them to succeed and end up with a marriage that is filled with passionate love.

For more on Marriage Counselling click here

Written by: James A. Miklos, M.C.C., R.P. -   James has been counselling,  and providing psychotherapy for over 30 years, is a public speaker and writer.

© 2025 James A. Miklos. All rights reserved.  To copy or quote any of this material this entire citation and credit must be posted.