Another reason people “fall out of love” is because of their attachment style.  This is not the same as personality type or style but rather the healthy versus the unhealthy.  There is a new resurgence with new and updated research on “attachment”, but the main emphasis today is on attachment style in adulthood and how it impacts the relationships we have.

Simple definition of attachment in psychology

A simple definition of attachment can be defined as the manner and depth of emotional bond that a person can create or have with another individual.  The depth of attachment is dependent on the ability for a person to pursue closeness and the level in which a person feels secure when in the presence of the person to which they are forming a bond.  The theory of Attachment explains how a parent-child relationship is formed and influenced resulting in a particular attachment style in future relationships.

In a secure attachment style, healthiest one, a deep and enduring emotional bond is formed between two people in which each seeks closeness and feels more secure when in the presence of the attachment figure.

Why is this important to me?

The reason this is important because it reveals our level of emotional stability and resilience when it comes to having a healthy enduring relationship.  Our bonding ability is closely tied to how our primary care givers ability to be emotionally present with us in childhood as well as the kind of emotional support that we received.  The quality of our childhood and our parental emotional presence has significantly impacted our lives especially when it comes to close and intimate relationships.  We all want stability, dependability, and predictability in our relationships, but are we our own worst enemy?

The need for stability and predictability

Stability and predictability in a relationship is dependent on a few key factors:  the quality of attachment that was formed in our childhood, the quality of our moral values, and understanding the true nature and qualities of love itself.  Without these three we will probably not have long lasting secure relationships that are supportive and stable.  

Taking responsibility 

Be aware that we all need to own our choices, emotions, and style of bonding we have.  It’s not about blame rather about accepting our own flawed style of attachment.  All too often people will go from one extreme to another, from blaming their spouse, to blaming their parents or teacher, or blaming themselves.  Taking ownership is not about blame rather about personal recognition that we are the ones who are acting out and feeling what we are feeling.  It is essential though emotionally painful to come to the place of recognizing that we have faults that we didn’t recognize and failed to see about ourselves.  How easy it is to blame others around us rather than to take responsibility for our own feelings, thoughts and outward behaviours.  If we choose the path of humility then we will want to better ourselves rather than focusing on everyone else’s behaviour towards us.  Painful as it is it is rewarding to be free from the pain of our past, to give up all hope for a better past, to no longer feel the victim, or feel that you are treated unfairly.  Freedom from these tormenting emotions are the reward.

Remember owning your own emotions is critical to the path of peace.  If we choose this road less travelled we will experience the pain of guilt and/or shame.  The good news is that we needed to see this about ourselves so that we can do something about it.  Trying to fix your partner is is a futile endeavour.  Each person in the relationship needs to take responsibility for themselves and remember don’t police your partner.

You can have long lasting love

A person with a secure attachment style is a person who will stay in love and experience long lasting love especially when they have married to a person who also has a secure attachment style.  You may be asking about now, “Who then has this secure attachment style?”  We either develop a secure attachment style in childhood because our parents were able to provide that for us or we can develop a secure attachment style through counselling and therapeutic help.

Staying in love rather than falling out of love has a lot to do with attachment, the quality of our moral values, and understanding the true nature and qualities of love which feeds the feelings of love for your spouse.

 

Sources:

1.  McLeod, S. A. (2017, Febuary 05). Attachment theory. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.htm

2.  Vinney, Cynthia. “Adult Attachment Styles: Definitions and Impact on Relationships.” ThoughtCo, Aug. 28, 2020, thoughtco.com/adult-attachment-styles-4774974.