How do I control my feelings?

What does emotional regulation look like?

A person who is emotionally well regulated is a person who has a secure attachment or at least worked on themselves until they have developed one.  An emotionally regulated person is a person who has the ability to adapt to stressful situations and crises.  Emotionally resilient people can roll with the punches, go with the flow, they are flexible and able to problem solve and yet not become overly stressed when difficult situations arise.  Others may refer to emotionally resilient people as being able think on their feet. These types of people can adapt to adversity without lasting or developing emotional difficulties.  From the opposite point of view a person who does not have good emotional regulating skills can be said to be less resilient, they have difficulty with stress and life changes whether minor or major.  The less emotionally resilient appear to get stuck emotionally and remain in a state of perpetual emotional distress, possibly feeling like, “I can never get over this.”

To become good at anything we need to practice it properly and the more we do it the better we get at it.  Everything in us or about us strengthens whether good or bad if we continue practicing it.  Going to the gym and exercising correctly has great benefits, practicing regularly under the tutelage of a piano teacher can make a person a good piano player.  

There are numerous practices that can be implemented to help with emotional regulation.  Some of these practices can include:

• Meditation
• Heart Coherence breathing
• Gratitude
• Positive self-talk
• Mindfulness on the good things in your life
• Grounding exercises
• Social engagement with supportive healthier people

Nobody likes upsetting feelings, but that being said, if we push emotions away they stay.  When we are phobic towards our own feelings and emotions we want to push them away but that never resolves anything other than prolongs your emotional healing.  To resolve your feelings we need to embrace them in a very precise manner much like in the therapeutic technique called Fraser’s Dissociative Table Technique as well as other types of therapeutic interventions.

According to some ego state theories a person who is not DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), used to be known as MPD or Multiple Personality Disorder, has one ‘Adult’ self and usually has a number of ‘Emotional Parts’ known in short as an EP(s).  The EPs are those aspects of ourselves that have been fragmented (due to trauma) and are causing us ongoing emotional issues where we may have an altered state, confusion, self-sabotaging issues, self-harm issues, depression, anxieties, panic attacks, etc.  These parts of ourselves need support but our Adult self may have a wall up because it has a phobic response to those EPs and the result is upsetting even distressing feelings over and beyond what the current circumstance warrants.  This is where the work must begin to help resolve these ongoing feelings that you don’t like.  There is no quick fix, but the good news we can be fixed with a good knowledgeable therapist that can help you work through these feelings and even your past traumatic events.