When we hear the phrase “love in marriage” it can stir up a desire to be married or stir up feelings of hurt and disappointment from a failed marriage or relationship.  We have all looked at the ideal side of love – the passionate feelings of love.  We all want to feel loved!  In almost three decades of counselling couples I have come to the conclusion that our society does not understand the nature of love and how to make it work, which has left many people disappointed about marriage and a happily ever-after.  This is primarily due to a fundamental ignorance of what love is and what it is not.

Passion takes work!  I know you didn’t want to hear that.  In my previous article, Falling Out Of Love – Part 1: Defining Love, I touched on the subject of hormonal highs and what that realistically looks like in a marriage.  We all want the magic!  We all want the fireworks!  The can’t eat, can’t sleep, hit the ball out of the park, kind of love.  Or, is this really love?  We love the hormonal high.  We as humans are pleasure seeking creatures but if that is what we are going to primarily chase in life we will find ourselves in a mental, emotional, physical, and even financial mess at some point unless there is a healthy respect and understanding of what love is.

As previously stated in my last article, I described how love in marriage can be understood as having two sides, the virtuous side and the emotional side.  Understanding the differences between the two and how they work together will give us the outcome that we are looking for, that is, passion in marriage.

It’s important to remember that marriage is an emotional relationship by nature and it can be destroyed through a lack of knowledge and poor choices.

Virtuous side of love

Love is rarely discussed or understood as having a virtuous side to it.  People have a tendency to only view love as as emotional, ie. romantic.  There is a whole day in February given to celebrate the romance of love, St. Valentine’s Day, but what about the virtue of love?

Virtue can be defined as an inner conviction of high moral values where fidelity, integrity, preference and consideration of others takes precedence over baser self-centred desires that are ultimately short-sighted.  In the long run virtuous love will insure that your own needs are met as you met the needs of your spouse.

You may ask, “How will this help me to get the love in my marriage that I need?  When do my needs get met?”  Good question!  Virtue helps us to be more objective in the consideration of the other person’s needs, possibly above our own needs.  If both husband and wife can yield to this inner God-given virtuous love then meeting each others emotional needs will become easier and easier.  

Virtuous love involves humility, compassion, commitment (integrity) and ownership of one’s own feelings and behaviours.  Without the understanding of these virtues, or the understanding of true love then only lust will exist which will lead a person to a place of dissatisfaction, anger, and rejection, casting away that which has true lasting value.

Relationships that fail are the result of selfishness and lust in the heart of one or more of the individuals in the marriage.  It takes courage, integrity of heart and commitment to see a rocky marriage through the rough terrain until the feelings of love are restored.

Remember virtuous love will be focused on meeting your spouse’s emotional needs first and foremost.  When both are committed to virtuous love then the inevitable outcome will be passionate emotional love.  If there is a failure of passionate emotional love then virtuous love has failed to be fully exercised and feelings have become the overbearing taskmaster in your life.  

“It takes two to tango”.   Both parties have to be involved in this process of love with a firm commitment.  Feelings of love do not change overnight, especially if there has been a lot of neglect, hurt, and time that has passed.  Be patient, consistent in love and committed to each other and then you will see results. 

Emotional side of love

The emotional side of love in a marriage is a must since marriage is an emotional relationship. When emotional needs have not been met and love destroying habits have existed, what once was ‘love’ can turn to ‘hate’.  To keep passionate love as a dominant feeling each person needs to meet their spouse’s emotional needs and eliminate love-destroying behaviour.  These needs have been discovered, defined, and detailed in numerous works.  My favourite works of Dr. Willard Harley in the writing of His Needs Her Needs and in Love Busters.  

Meeting each others emotional needs takes virtuous love.  Too often couples believe that they are meant for or not meant for each other based on how the other person “makes them feel”.   In fact feelings can be easily triggered positively or negatively for a variety of reasons and without committing to personally working on your own issues, you probably will end up blaming your partner and giving up on your relationship with them.  

Emotional passion in marriage takes work!  I know you don’t want to believe that because of what you are feeling.  Feelings do try to tell us things but all too often the interpretation of those feelings are deceiving as they lead us to false conclusions which can lead to a trail of broken relationships and disillusionment where marriage is concerned.  

First, you have to own your feelings.  This means you have to realize that your partner is not responsible for how you feel, you are!  They are your feelings whether or not you like them.  Feelings are the result of emotions in your body which you alone experience based on your life’s experiences, and even from your parents starting from in utero on up through your developmental years (0-18 years).  I realize that you may not agree, but more accurately you probably don’t like what you just read because you can no longer play the victim by making your partner responsible for what you feel, ouch!

Yes, I realize that there are abusive and neglectful individuals out there but you have the power of choice.  Unless you are in a pre-arranged marriage you made that choice.  Another important note on abuse, if you feel that your partner is abusive are they truly so or is that your own perception based on your past trauma?  Take the Abuse Test.

Let’s continue on the premise that you were “in love” and now you have “fallen out of love” and you want to gain the feelings of love back in your relationship, after all, this article was written for those couples who want their relationship to work!

In Conclusion

In conclusion, love is more than just a feeling.  Love first must be a virtue or it is simply a hormonal, sexual response that is born from the baser lust within us.  Love must be first virtuous which then by its very nature leads to meeting your spouse’s emotional needs which then creates the feelings of passionate love for one another.  

Be committed to one another, be committed to being a virtuous person, be committed to owning your feelings, be committed to meeting your partner’s emotional needs and be committed to the therapeutic process that can help you to reach the desired goal of restored passionate love in marriage!