Marriage Communication That Works

Three Ways To Communicate

According to Transactional Analysis there are three states or ways of communicating in marriage.  Observe below:

1. Parent to Child
2. Child to Parent
3. Adult to Adult

The best mode of communication is when a couple communicates Adult to Adult as seen in number 3.  This way of communicating keeps the relationship respectful and helps to keep the affection active towards each other.  When the relationship becomes hierarchal then the communication in the relationship creates pain resulting in a lack of healthy affection for each other.

Hierarchal Communication

When a person speaks to their spouse in a manner that is coming from a condescending, domineering position then the mode of communication can be seen as in #1, above.  This position causes a rift in respect and will distance your partner from you emotionally if not physically.  This position is a position of control and the need to dominate even if the tone is not aggressive.  Notice this example of communication:

Parent to Child: “Why do I have to keep telling you to clean the litter box?  After all this time of having a cat you think that I wouldn’t have to remind you.”

The response could look like (notice style), Child to Parent:  “Well after all this time of being married why don’t you do it yourself since it bothers you.”

One person is talking down to the other while the other reacts like a child.  An enlightened spouse coming from an Adult mode of communicating could sound like:

Adult to Parent:  “I have remembered to clean the litter box and I will tend to it once I have finished eating.”

Ideal Marriage Communication

The ideal way of communicating could look something like this:

Adult to Adult:  “Honey, please remember to clean the litter box today as it is beginning to smell and that’s not good for our health.”

Adult to Adult response could be:  “No problem sweetie, you’re exactly right.”

An Exercise To Develop Healthy Marriage Communication

Find a way of practicing Adult to Adult communication.  Here are some steps to consider:

1. Think before you speak as much of poor communication is the result of habit and emotional triggers.
2. Agree with one another that whenever one of you feels patronized, or talked down to that you can ask your partner the simple words, “Parent-Child?” With a wink or raised eyebrow.  
3. Then allow your partner to retry their communication so that it becomes Adult to Adult communication.
4. Allow your partner to give you feedback, of course all communication must be respectful (Adult mode).

Such skills may need further honing, further coaching and even counselling.  If you fail at succeeding possibly then the emotional brain needs some help to process things through where healing can take place so that communication can be a wonderful experience in your marriage.

If you need further marriage counselling please reach out to us and begin your healing and journey of recovery.

 

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At New Hope Counselling Centre we can help you to improve your marital bliss through by building good communication skills.  Bringing you hope for a better tomorrow.  Call us today!

 

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